I’ve put this off long enough.
My computer has been fixed over a week ago but I couldn’t bring myself this write this.
I just didn’t want to admit I was wrong, in a space where I’m supposed to feel free to be me. Well, wrong isn’t a state I like to be in much.
I tried to go back to blogging for the wrong reasons, perhaps.
Yes, I have no outlet for personal expression except here. Yet, I don’t feel like expressing myself anymore.
Maybe because most of the audience is gone. Maybe I don’t crave attention with what few eyes are left checking this blog for signs of life.
Ironically, my stats remain the same the entire time I left for my blogging break, as if I never stopped. It is simply because of this post.
It’s not as if nothing is going on in my life. There was that incident where I was verbally abused by a customer. Before that, there was my trip to Malacca to visit my friend and her family. I’ve been using Twitter a bit more than before so if you’ve been checking the sidebar you’d see that yes, I am online and social, just elsewhere.
I still don’t know why I don’t feel like blogging anymore, but I no longer blame my work for my lack of interest. Yes, work does consume a lot of me, but as I’ve said before, I do enjoy my job and I wouldn’t think of leaving it anytime soon. It’s growing and I want to be part of that growth, I want to be the one involved in the change of the bookshop. I want to be credited as someone who helped in its success once the plans my bosses are making are fully accomplished.
I still feel like there’s something missing in my life. I feel that void by escaping to books and reruns of Gilmore Girls. When I read or watch GG, I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with my feelings and problems at that moment. After GG finishes (into fifth season now, there are seven seasons in total), I’ll be watching reruns of Ally McBeal.
Sometimes I wonder, what has happened to me? Why have I grown out of love for something that had brought me so much joy? Why did this part of me have to change? I’ve poured my heart and soul into this for 3 years, doesn’t it mean anything?
I’m still maintaining my other non-personal blog, in case you’re wondering.
I am quitting this blog indefinitely.
Computer died!
Why does this always happen when I want to be in the mood to blog!
I wanted to gradually go back to those posts I used to write – you know, all musings and ponderous and thoughtful.
Now I don’t even know if ‘ponderous’ is an actual word.
So while I get my computer affairs back in order, just pretend I haven’t actually got back in blogging. Like I’ve disappeared off the face of the blogosphere, because that is how I feel after one day without the Internet.
Yes, severe withdrawal symptoms I’m dealing with here. Grieve with me, people.
Meanwhile, I keep my mind off my Internet-less state by gorging on Gilmore Girls reruns. And reading. Thank goodness for the books. None of this e-book, Kindle nonsense for sulz.
After posting yesterday, I felt I sound too melancholic for what should be a good thing. Going back to blogging means I’m getting in touch with friends I used to interact with through this platform and also getting in touch with myself.
I wanted to write about the gloriously exciting shenanigans I have been up to the past month. (Which is to say I didn’t go out and change the world. I did buy too many T-shirts for my own good though.)
But this morning, I turned on the computer to realise several hard drives have been wiped out. I had suspected something was wrong when I couldn’t copy some mp3’s to bring to work (where the computer speakers are actually working unlike this old hag). I was running late and I figured I’ll use today, my rare day off, to figure out what’s actually wrong.
Too late. The hard drive where I store the really important things are completely gone. All the camwhoring pictures (the nice ones, mind you), vacation pictures, daytrip pictures, college assignments, pretty pictures, CSS codes, bookish stuff, my book log (of all the books I’ve read since 16). All gone.
I guess I should be grateful that pictures of me, ugly and otherwise, are around Facebook, ‘cos they’re the only pictures I have now. And that I never got around to deleting some pictures from my e-mail.
(Strangely enough, when I re-installed Firefox, which was gone as it was located in one of the missing hard drives, none of my bookmarks are missing.)
Ah, life.
When I woke up this morning, I realised that I’m supposed to be back from my self-imposed blogging break.
I do not feel any different from the break. My brain still feels as vacuous and uninspired as before. I still feel like I don’t have enough time to do the things I really want. I still like my job, but yet I feel a certain weariness.
I did not plan to blog today. I wanted the desire to come naturally and when it does, will I then pen my thoughts here.
I’m at work now, trying to write something. For some reason, it came to me: leaving the blog didn’t improve my life. Yes, I do have a little bit more time to do other things I enjoy doing, like going on Facebook and reading. But by doing so, I’m just isolating myself.
For the whole month I left the blog, I didn’t have an outlet for me to talk about things that are really on my mind. Trivial things, urgent stuff, emotional matters… they never left my mind.
And so, just like that, I’m back.
I missed you.
I just want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has ever commented in bloggerdygook. I’ve fought, cried, laughed, smiled, cheered, lived through this blog and through my interaction with you. Knowing some of you here has made a lot of difference in my life. It is so ironic that some of you who mean so much to me, I have yet to see your faces or shake your hands. Yet, I will remember.
… Okay, that was way too dramatic. It’s not like I’m cutting my online life out entirely! But in the event that I won’t ever resume blogging, I hope you know that I appreciate all your comments. Thank you for being in my life.
