blogging gobbledygook and such

Alone again, naturally

This year has been full of disappointments. Plans that were made, cancelled. Friends who I thought cared about me, actually couldn’t care less. Everything I look forward to and cared about ends with me being alone.

What is it about being alone that I hate so much?

I think being alone means people don’t like me or love me very much. Worst of all, I don’t like myself very much sometimes.

So if the world hates me and I hate myself at the same time, who will love me?

If no one will, I think the world will be better off with one less unlovable person.

Yes, I sound suicidal but I’m not. I’m too cowardly and scared of pain to attempt killing myself. I have no confidence in myself of succeeding in suicide should I attempt it that the shame of failing to take my own life is a deterrent in itself.

Does that mean I will indulge in risk-taking behaviour? Yes.

Does that mean I will indulge in self-destructive behaviour? Yes.

It doesn’t matter in the end because I don’t feel loved.

I don’t mean people don’t care about me. I can name a few who do. But caring about me and loving me are two different things.

I just want to be smothered by love. Then maybe I won’t be so afraid of loneliness.

Comments on: "Alone again, naturally" (5)

  1. Aww!! I just totally understand & relate to how you feel!! I wish that you find the someone who can smother you with all the love in the world!!!
    Also, over time, I did realise that it is a lot for people to even care about me…. We have not met yet.. but I do care about you!! *hugs* Will meet you soon…either me & A there or you come over here!!

  2. Everyone is alone in life. Sometimes we are more alone than other times. You can be in a roomful of friends and family that care deeply for you – but still be alone. Very often the very loneliness we feel and blame others for – is really the blame of ourselves. Trying to find the root of loneliness is a lifelong struggle. I would suggest a 1985 book from the late Leo Buscaglia called “Living, Loving and Learning”. They also have some of his lectures on You Tube.

    There are multiple types of love and friendship interaction. Identifying the type of caring and sharing is the start to identifying your loneliness. I think a problem with any affectionate interaction, most people forget, is that someone always cares more than the other, or the type of affection is often misread by one or more of the companions. Whatever form of love/affection you have for another can only be given by you – to that person. They in turn will give you whatever level of affection they have to offer you. You cannot expect the same level of affection from another that you offer because love/affection can only be given, not taken or even expected in return. You either cope with what you have or expand your search for what you seek.

    One of the problems I have noticed that is very common in today’s world is that we all have too many distractions. Television, Computers, Internet, Facebook, Twitter, Video Games, etc.. all tend to throw up blocks on real human bonding. In the past most communication was face-to-face. No matter how close you think you have bonded with someone – modern distractions tend to limit the actual human contact we all crave.

    Very often we tend to shut others out of our lives by limiting communication to protect our privacy. I do that a lot. The old adage it takes two to Tango is very true. It is hard to bond when you put up walls that keep people at an emotional distance.

    Loss of connections can be the fault of one or both individuals involved. Sometimes you just have to shake the dust from your cloak and move on. Take what you can get from those you connect with and learn from the experience. Never get bitter over lost affection, it will create bad decision, it will only sour your life. Just learn from the experience and use what you have learned for future reference.

  3. Here is another Buscaglia link. Hope it helps you. :-)

  4. queencheckmate said:

    Sometimes is better to be alone ,if the people around you is invisible !

  5. You mean you wish to be smothered with hugs…but not really smothered by love, otherwise you can’t be your free self in spirit and potential.

    May your heart grow in awareness of living at this moment : acute living and loving.

    WIshing you peace and happy holidays.

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