I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while now.
I feel, no, I know my blog has changed over time. I used to write more universal topics. Things that you can relate to and offer your perspective. I used to get really excited when I get inspiration for a topic like that. My fingers would be flying off the keyboard as I frantically try to capture the thoughts swirling in my head, afraid that if I lose concentration for just one second I would lose all train of thought. I could hardly wait for your comments after I hit “publish”. I wanted to hear from like-minded people; I wanted to debate and persuade my point of view if possible.
That was what to me blogging was really about. A place to share my thoughts, wonder about questions in life and hear your two cents, whether I agree or otherwise. I enjoyed the mental stimulation and interaction.
My writings of late have been almost entirely self-centred. What I do, what I feel, what I want, what I don’t want… I love me, of course, but I can feel myself slipping. This probably sounds narcissistic, but sometimes I like the way I write in certain posts. I mean, I actually think the way I phrased some things in my writings are brilliant. I know that’s self-absorbed of me, but this is honestly how I felt. And I felt that way because I actually took the time to think of that phrase. I mean, I actually, really thought my words out properly, instead of the usual brain-to-finger unfiltered titter my writings have been of late.
I feel myself slipping, because I do not feel proud of my writings. Before, I would often read my posts again and again, marvelling at a certain phrase I thought up, or how cleverly I connect my ideas from paragraph to paragraph. I feel embarrassed admitting that narcissistic bit, but it is the truth. I took pride in my writing. Now, when I read my posts, I don’t feel a sense of accomplishment for having capture any train of thought, I don’t feel I write well at all. I write, but I’m not writing well.
I think a reason for that is because I left college. As annoying assignments and quizzes were, they actually stimulated me mentally, as I now realise. Even though I procrastinate most of my homework, the onset panic of not completing them in time put pressure on me, pressure to make something impressive, or at least up to my standards. Because if nothing else, what I hand in is a reflection of me and no one else, so I can only count on myself to do my best. And while I don’t exactly think this way when I hurry to finish my assignments, the knowledge that it’s graded spurred my competitive side. I was one of the better students in class and I intended to keep it that way.
At work, I still feel clueless most of the time. I have ideas, but I’m too afraid to say it because the very few times that I did, they were unsuitable. Besides, nobody takes me seriously because I’m new and barely know what I’m doing. I don’t blame them for not giving any thought to my ideas. I still have a lot to learn, but in doing so I don’t feel I’m given room to grow and try my wings out because this isn’t about me anymore. We have to give the best to our clients and more often than not, I’m the weakest link and cannot contribute towards the ‘best’ our clients demand.
I suppose that will take time, for me to contribute to the creative aspect of my job, but meanwhile, I can feel my brain rotting from the uninspiring drudgery that is my life. I miss the mental stimulation I got in college. I miss the reasoning and justifying I needed to come up with for essays. I miss wondering why. I miss really thinking.
I miss learning in a classroom, where mistakes are actually encouraged so as long as you dared to speak up and no one would think lowly of you for that.
ps. And the irony of the last sentence is that I was one of the quieter students in my class!