Try harder

I just finished this book called 13 reasons why by jay asher. In a nutshell, it’s about a girl who killed herself. Before that, she recorded herself on cassette tapes, giving 13 reasons why she killed herself and posted the tapes to certain people who drove her to suicide.

I didn’t really like the book. I didn’t think the 13 reasons were good enough for suicide. But what moved me was the way the suicide girl described how she wanted to be helped so much yet she pushed away the smallest show of it.

I do that. Push away help when it is offered, because i don’t trust that it’s sincere, or that it’s just temporary, or that it would actually help me. If you are my friend, and if i ever push you away, that’s the reason why.

I don’t think i’ll ever have the balls to take my own life. And probably whatever crisis of the moment i’ll go through in future will put me in a state of despair that feels very real.

that doesn’t mean i don’t want you to try. Try harder. Don’t give up on me. The harder you try to pull down the barrier, the harder i’ll try, too, to break down the wall from my side.

I hope when i should do this with a friend who’s worth my trying harder, i won’t let my friend down.

growing apart

i’m slowly losing the friends i took time to grow close to. some by my doing and some not. some are leaving the country for good. some are still around but i don’t feel the closeness to them anymore. some i’ve totally cut off all ties with.

i have this awful way of cutting loose when i think i’m about to lose someone because i think it would hurt me less. i know in past experiences that this theory doesn’t always hold true, but i still do it. maybe because i also learnt in the past that trying to hold one to someone who’s already ‘gone’ in that sense hurts a lot. maybe because of pride (there’s no maybe about this one, actually). maybe because i don’t know how to appreciate friendship. maybe because i hold my standards way too high.

i like the casual friendships i have at the office. when i worked at the bookshop, i made some good friends there but there was always a gap, be it age or academic/cultural background. at the office, i have friends my age, friends who love to read, friends who love to eat, and friends who are just plain friendly. i feel like i belong here and i couldn’t be happier about the relationships i have at work.

but of course i do want to feel close to someone, in both the romantic and platonic sense. i find myself gravitating to books, tvs, movies and dvds because i lack these relationships that i crave. and i live my fantasy through my favourite stories via these mediums.

i suppose i could do less of that and go out more, meet new people, form new friendships, lower my standards, swallow my pride.

but knowing me, i’ll find a way to screw up anything that shows a tiniest potential to be a beautiful friendship or a long-lasting romance.

i guess what i’m trying to tell myself is that i do not make a good friend. at all.

a year of ups and downs

i started the year off with a trip up north to penang. had a wonderful time eating the tastiest food, seeing sights and enjoying a new experience – parasailing!

for the rest of the months up till now, it’s been quiet travel-wise. but next month, i shall be heading down south to malacca for a day trip with the travel buddy. again, i expect to devour more good food and enjoy some shopping, as i always do when i go down there. jonker street, chicken rice balls, fried ice cream, here i come!

then, in september i’ll be heading up north again to visit langkawi. it’s the most famous island of all the islands in malaysia, and this will be my first visit there. yes, i’m over 20 years old and have yet to visit langkawi. but that won’t be the case soon – i’ll be going there with some colleagues after we scored a good deal for a four-star hotel there. another beach holiday after penang this year and bali last year, but i’m still very much looking forward to it!

finally, in november, i’ll be going down south… all the way to singapore! it’s gonna be just me, myself and i for this solo trip. well, not quite. lovelyloey, one of my first blogging buddies, has so kindly agreed to travel around the island with me. what better way to explore singapore than with a singaporean? i’m gonna be so broke with all the shopping and sight-seeing i plan to do. but hey, i want to have a good time, so if that’s what it takes, i’ll just have to work harder to earn money, right?

and so, that’s how my year in travel will be – full of ups and downs. hopefully, next year it will be equally as exciting, if not more!

something to write home about

i’m feeling quite chuffed at the moment.

i just found out that i won an award that’s given out monthly at work. it’s a real boost to my confidence and i’m really pleased to have this piece of good luck. (i say luck because there are better headlines which went unrecognised in the past sadly because they were not nominated. silly, right?)

the real icing on the cake has to be the news that some of the staff will be getting a salary adjustment – for the better, of course, and i happen to be part of the lucky people. i’ll be getting an increment, an allowance and they will both be paid in arrears from the day i started this job. yes, how awesome is that?

i’m planning to pay off my student loan with this little bonus. if it’s not enough, i will wait for the year-end bonus then. i can’t wait to put up a status on facebook and twitter saying something like, "I’VE PAID MY STUDENT LOAN DEBTS! ONE BURDEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS!" yes, i really don’t like the idea of being in debt. so much so that i’m hoping that the day i move out of my parents’ home, it will be to a house i bought (with loans but at least the name on the deed will be mine) and not a rented place. but that dream remains very far away.

right now, i just want to bask in a little self pride, happiness and that feeling you get when you feel you’re getting too much money and you’re not really sure why.

hitting it close to home

oops, i missed last month’s update. oh well.

while there are many things in my life i wish could be better, i have to say that i’m really quite happy with the way the path of my life turns out. i like my chosen profession, i like my small circle of friends and one fact that stands out to me about my life that i like… is the fact that i’m not a housewife.

don’t get me wrong, i don’t think being a housewife or a homemaker is something one shouldn’t be proud about. it’s just that i think i would have made a terrible housewife. i can’t cook, i hate and rarely do house chores, and i’m awful at tending to people. i imagine that if i ever have kids, they would grow up learning how to tend to me, rather than the other way round.

when i think about it, being a housewife does have its perks. you get to set your own schedule and best of all, you probably get to decorate the house the way you want it. now that i like the sound of, and i wish the day would come sooner when i could truly own a home i call my own. my house. mine.

maybe then, i’ll learn how to cook in my kitchen, have a special room for laundry, scrub the bath tub frequently so that i get to soak in a clean tub…

hmm, i still don’t think i will be a housewife, but i will probably end up doing most of the chores a housewife does one day. until then… i get away from not doing chores by working overtime more. to earn more to own that dream house someday… so that i can do my own chores. oh the irony!

Stuck in the same position

I feel like apologising cos i don’t feel like i write here often enough. Some things happened since the last post but nothing too life-changing, so i don’t feel like i have much to tell you.

Yes, that means the change i was hinting about did not happen. I am relieved, because i didn’t want it to happen. If it did, i would have gone on a different adventure, one i would probably come to appreciate in time after the initial difficulties, but truth is i’m not ready to give up the adventure i am on right now.

Life is still the same old. Go to work, hanging out with the family, hanging out with the same friends, reading books, watching dvds. I want to more things than that sometimes but i’m too lazy and too chicken to pursue something new. I am letting life happen, instead of going out to seek life. I don’t think that’s good for me.

For instance, i had my heart set on travelling overseas at the end of the year with my travel buddy, but she decided she didn’t want to because of work and financial commitments. Any other person would not let this be an obstacle – she’d find another friend to travel with.

And someone even offered to go with me on holiday. But i don’t feel comfortable going to another country with someone i don’t know for very long. If it’s with a group i wouldn’t have such hesitations. So it looks like i’ll stuck with my routine for the rest of the year.

I hate that i won’t compromise to get what i want, simply because i’m either too lazy or too scared. I remember the feeling when i decided to go on a job hunt. I felt empowered, i felt like i was taking charge of my destiny, i felt like i could have the dream job i wanted as long as i had the patience and a little bit of luck.

Now why can’t i put the same spirit into making my annual overseas holiday happen? I don’t know. Well, i think i do know yet it baffles me and frustrates me.

(i am also rather sad that i seem to be writing here only when i need to whine or rant. It is good for my emotional health somewhat, but i still remember a time when this blog gave me happiness. When i would be proud of myself when i wrote something meaningful and eloquent and positive.)

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