Inadequate

Problems. Troubles. Everybody in my life is having them, making my own pale in insignificance.

A friend’s decision to get married is opposed by every party involved and not involved. I must admit I stood in the opposition once, I was probably the most skeptical of her decision. The past few weeks, we spoke a lot through IM, and the more I hear about her relationship, the more I know she is steadfast in her decision, and I trust that her soon-to-be husband feels the same way. She isn’t stupid from being in love, and I believe that despite her having chosen a difficult path in life, she can achieve her goals because she’s determined and so is he. I just wish that people could be more supportive of them; I can see why people think it’s a bad decision, but it’s not their decision to make. If they think she’s making a mistake, then it is hers to make, isn’t it? If they do think what she’s doing will end up in failure, then shouldn’t they be there for her all the more, to help her pick up the pieces if it comes true as they predict? Even if she proves their predictions true, they have failed in their roles as people who supposedly care for her, who supposedly love her because they have not given her a chance.

Another friend has lost a loved one. The person departed means a lot to my friend; this is probably his worst fear coming true. I don’t know what he is going through now, and I can’t imagine the grief and longing he must be feeling from losing someone he loves so much. And he probably has to put up a strong front for the rest of his family, him being the head of his family. How can one appear strong when one has lost a person you love more than life itself, a person who inspires and motivates you, I have no idea.

What’s my problem?

Sigh, it’s so stupid in comparison. I am scared of Macau. I am missing someone terribly. People in my life need help, but I cannot help them, I am incapable.

You may think I am very open with my thoughts and feelings in my blog, but you don’t know how much I keep hidden. If I were to reveal what really troubles my heart, I would drive you away from the negativity and hopelessness. When friends come to me, it is for me to listen to their woes. And rightly so, because my troubles are really quite petty in comparison. They need to release their frustrations more than I do, and if my listening helps, I will listen.

I used to have someone who would listen when I need to speak. But I have lost that person for good, and it is not easy to find someone who you want you tell your troubles to. Not just any willing ears, but someone I feel I can trust not to take my little troubles like the little troubles they really are.

I feel so sad for my friends and myself. We all need help, but not just any offer of it. One needs support. One needs to let go. One needs to pick up the pieces and move on. We all need love, patience, understanding, kindness, encouragement, loyalty. I cry when I think of what my friends are going through. Not just because of what I imagine they must be going through, but because I know for all the sadness I feel for them, I cannot truly understand the pain they feel and the burden they carry in their weary hearts. And that is the saddest thing of all - knowing whatever you have to offer, it is ultimately not enough.

The Significance of Birthdays

I found this song called Gobbledigook by Sigur Ros, an Icelandic band; it makes me want to fling my head, stamp my feet, jump all about and mumble gobbledygook. I really could make a blog soundtrack huh? (Remember this guitar solo Dave did for me?)

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What is the significance of birthdays? Why do we celebrate birthdays? I’ve never really thought of my birthday as anything important. It’s a date I remember, of course, but I do not place much significance to it; it’s just another day to me, made special by the fact that I was born that day, and not made so special in the sense that I didn’t ask to be born on that day.

Which is why I do not indulge people my birth date. There really is nothing special about my birth date. Besides, everybody has one. What’s so special about it? Why do people have birthday parties? Why do we celebrate the people born on a certain day? I honestly don’t really get it. I get it on some level, but I also don’t quite get it. Do you get me?

So this year, my birthday has come and gone… wait, has it? I have received some birthday gifts - early or belated, you decide.

1. RM100 from Uncle PT which is half a birthday gift and half as a gift for my upcoming trip. That was very sweet of him, since I could use all the cold cash I can get, heh.
2. HKD$100 and some Australian dollars from Uncle PC, scrounged from his house, also half a birthday gift and half my Macau trip gift. The Australian dollars will add to the Macau fund when I go to the foreign exchange.
3. 9 (I haven’t spoke of 9 before - it’s a strange pseudonym to give a person, but it makes perfect sense if I told you why - long story short, I am 9’s person, as in Grey’s Anatomy “person” kind of person ) gave me a VCD (Stardust! The first movie we watched together!), a metal bookmark which spells Love, and the sweetest and sincerest birthday card I’ve ever received.
4. The usual angpows from M & D, which will go to my Macau fund, of course.

Don’t really expect any more early or belated birthday gifts, because nobody else knows the date.

No, wait, that’s wrong. There is someone who I know knows it, but I don’t think I’ll be getting an early or belated birthday wish, much less a gift. And that is possibly the one gift that I would have wanted…

Sigh, move on, move on. Wish me (early or belated) happy birthday, please?

Epiphany!

I was wondering how to keep my blog busy with the usual traffic while I’m away for my summer trip. I wrote some posts and post-published it, but not enough to keep you occupied as I usually do (I post like what, 3 times a week on average!). So…

I thought YOU could do a GUEST POST on bloggerdygook! YOU, yes, YOU! You who has a blog, You who doesn’t have a blog, You! Well, not just any You, but at least the You I know. As long as I know who you are, you’re good to do a guest post here for any day for the month of July!

So, would you please help me out here? It’s a great chance to promote your blog if anything. If you don’t have a blog, well… don’t you like me enough to want to help me out? Pretty please with chocolate sprinkles on top?

If I’ve managed to coax you with that, all you need to do is write about anything. Yes, anything! Anything that’s about 300 words long. That’s not much! You can write about 10 reasons why bloggerdygook readers should visit your blog, or you can write about issues close to your heart, or you can write about how you got to know sulz and how much you love her…

The deadline for guest post submission is 28 June 2008. (I’m leaving for Macau on the 29th.)

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Oh yeah, I changed my blog look again. Do you like it? It’s called WPS Ella, but this is quite a different version from the original. I twisted Juan’s arm to do this for me… again. The last time, I promise! (Thank you, Juan, you’re a dear. I’m sorry for being such a trouble.)

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Found this Death Date site through Reema and this is apparently when I will die.

And this is what I would be if I were reincarnated.

Regrets

I know some people don’t subscribe to this idea of regret. I can understand that. I wish I could look at it that way too, that it was just another experience. It was, but one I think I rather not have experienced if I had the choice.

My regrets are mostly to do with myself, and my relationships. I’m quite lucky that decisions about my education have so far been good ones, if not the best. (I hope I will make good decisions for my career, but most importantly my love life!) I thought going to Form Six was risky, but the risk paid off because I got to do a degree that I enjoyed very much because of it. I don’t know if I wanted it, because I had no clue what linguistics was about until I studied for it, and when I did find out, it wasn’t all that bad… I don’t get phonetics and syntax, but I like morphology and grammar and English civilization and translation. (Despite moaning about doing work - I’m lazy, remember!) I had bad work experience, but nothing traumatic. You need bad experience sometimes because it builds character.

So, right, back to myself and my relationships. I regret the way I behave sometimes when I react at the height of my emotions. I can be pretty melodramatic, and I blow things out of proportion. When I calm down, I feel so ashamed because it would be a small conflict, but I made it so big that it became big. Actually, sometimes it can be a big thing and I am not being melodramatic, but the way I react makes me embarrassed, because even if it was a big thing, I could have approach it in a more dignified manner, couldn’t I? Then the other person would look like a total ass and I would look even better because of that!

As for my relationships, I have some I regret. I regret being close to Ms Ick at one point in college, because I find out that the reason she was being buddy buddy with me was so she could find out more about me and then go badmouth me to her other friends. The keep your friends close and your enemies closer approach. I feel stupid, because I actually liked her. She was witty, confident, friendly, everything that I am not and admire. When I found out, I felt betrayed and foolish, because I couldn’t see through her fakeness. She never had any intention to be my good friend, but demonstrated all the social conventions of seeming to want to be mine. I’ve never been treated like that before. I’ve had friends with whom I grew close to and then we drifted apart, and I kinda regret those friendships too, but not the bitter way I do with Miss Ick. Even till the last day of our class together at the party, I refused to take a photo with her. I refused whatever she asked to do with me.

And then there are other relationships I did not regret having, but regretted the way it ended. These are all my romantic relationships. Of course I wish it didn’t end if I could choose, but I regret how I didn’t keep in touch with them. But I think it is probably a good thing because I have a hard time letting go of the past, and I think if I am in touch with them now old feelings would resurface… I also regret how and why it ended, because I have contributed to those reasons. Maybe if I am more mature, less demanding, more secure in myself, things would have been different. We could break up later anyway, but at least it wouldn’t be my fault as much? I would’ve tried my best?

Sigh, regrets. I do wish some things didn’t happen in my life. That said, I do not deny these events. I may be ashamed of them, but I admit them. To pretend they didn’t happen is to deny a part of me in that moment of time, because had the circumstances been different, I would not have regret it. That would be a bit contradicting, to deny things simply because I do not like it.

Regrets are like mistakes. They are mistakes, the kind you wish you had known better. And like mistakes, they are lessons of their own kind. They are better lessons than ordinary mistakes, because you can make the same mistake over and over again, not really learning it, but with regret, the lesson sticks better in your head and you would make a conscious effort not to repeat it. Which doesn’t mean you won’t make that mistake, but if anything, regret does teach you something about yourself. What you choose to do about it is up to you.