Am pasting the full text even though there are something call links, because links do go rotten and would like to tickle self silly again when reading archives.
Taken from The Star, Sunday 21 May 2006
Rules of the game
THIS hilarious “letter” is making its rounds on the Internet. Funny and over-the-top as it is, we believe there are football fanatics who fervently hope that their spouses/partners will take heed!
Dear Wife, Partner, Girlfriend, Significant Other,
1. From June 9 to July 9, 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even catch a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor…. It won’t happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least two six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces at my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 6pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “Get over it, it’s only a game”, or “Don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember,you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break-up.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk tome during half-time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half-time score pleases me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game; hence do not use the World Cup as an excuse to “spend time together”.
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any baby-, or any other child-related parties or gatherings that require my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights shown on TV every night are just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this … why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?” because, the reply will be “Refer to Rule #2 of this list.”
12. And, finally, please save expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every four years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League Premier League, FA Cup, etc.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Men of The World
And the even more hilarious rebuttal by local writer Lydia Teh, which can be found at her blog as well.
Listen up, guys
The Star, Sunday 4 June 2006
Male football fanatics fired the first shot about what their girlfriends/spouses/partners should and should not do during the World Cup (Talking Point, StarMag, May 21). On behalf of the sisterhood, LYDIA TEH returns the volley.
1. From June 9 to July 9, 2006, you may have the sports section of the newspaper and any special pullout that comes with it. You shall not have access to the other sections of the newspaper. What good are they when all you can think of is the World Cup. It is a fact that men can’t multi-task. They can’t multi-think either.
2. I will clear out the utility-cum-storeroom and move in the little spare TV so you can watch all the football you want. There, you can vegetate and sprout roots for all I care. Should visitors come a calling, I shall be spared the embarrassment of having to make excuses for an unshaven, unkempt, unsociable misfit.
3. Rest assured that I won’t be standing nude in front of the TV during this period. I know you won’t notice even if I’d had breast enhancement and turned into a D-cupper, as the only cup on your mind is the one in Germany.
Rest assured that this period of abstinence will drag on for another month or more. Once I get used to not having a sleeping partner, it’ll be hard to do a 180-degree turn. So you’ll have to inch your way back into my bed.
4. I don’t expect you to do anything around the house during the games. I wouldn’t ask you to open the door, put the kettle on, feed the dog, water the plants or bring the shopping in from the car. I would not even dare interrupt to ask you to eat, so you’ll have to prepare your own meals when hunger strikes. If you’re too up caught in the game, there’s always pizza delivery. Look up the number in the phone book.
5. There will be no beer in the fridge or munchies in the larder. With you being sedentary, I don’t wish to further jeopardise your health by stocking up on junk food. Instead, there will be plenty of mineral water to quench your thirst with and carrots and green apples to nibble on during half time. If your friends come over to watch the games, you can have your male-bonding sessions in the utility room. As long as you keep the door closed and your buddies spray themselves with deodorant before coming out, I’m OK.
6. If your team loses and I say something, I risk treading on your fragile ego. But if I keep mum, you may think I don’t love you. So I might as well go all the way and say: “Serves you right for supporting such a lousy team. Can’t you see that the champion is a leg up on this? Huh! And you call yourself a football expert!”
7. I do not want scraps of your time and affection. So you won’t see me cuddling up to you during half time like a hungry dog. I will serve time as a football widow and when the World Cup ends, you’ll have to wine and dine me all over again if you want to get back into my good books.
8. You’re most welcome to watch endless replays of goals. See Rule #2.
9. I shall not include you in any social gathering during this hallowed period. I can easily make up excuses for you. However, if you miss your grandmother’s birthday, your parents’ wedding anniversary or your nephew’s full-moon celebration, I shall leave you to concoct your own reasons. Some words of caution:
a) You will be left out of the family will.
b) You will be left out of the family will.
c) You will be left out of the family will.
10. If your friend invites you to his house to watch a game, please go. I will hire a racing car to get you there. At last, I will get some peace and not have “GOAL!” and “Stupid referee!” coming out of my ears.
11. You’re most welcome to watch the daily World Cup highlights. See Rule #2.
12. I will never say, “Thank God the World Cup is only every four years”, because I know after it come the European Championships, Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, Football League, etc. I’ll shut up and let you have your fun while I take your car, cash and credit cards and paint the town red.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Women of the World
If you’re clueless, read The Ignorant American’s Guide to the World Cup