blogging gobbledygook and such

She thinks she has not gotten over her… treachery (because she is melodramatic in nature and keeping her word is a very big deal to her). Yesterday la-la land was almost inaccessible. She had that awful feeling of having too much energy and had to release it through deliberate spasms. It must be all those negative thoughts transforming into energy that has to be expelled before sleep will come.

She also thinks she always hurt people not so much because they have hurt her too, but because she doesn’t know how to tell them how hurt she was by their actions and it got lost in translation through her acts of self-preservation. Or perhaps this is just some sorry excuse for self-justification for doing something very very wrong?

Sigh, with someone like that living inside of you, you certainly don’t need enemies. You are your own.

23/6 Suddenly she doesn’t feel guilty anymore… a little bird blog pretty much told her she wasn’t missed at all… while that doesn’t say much of her, it’s relief nonetheless that have stood someone up who does not really care for her presence anyway. *shrugs*

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Comments on: "Has your conscience ever stop you from a good night’s sleep?" (2)

  1. I too am frequently my own worst enemy. I’ve often examind the saying: “To thine own self be true,” and wondered which one? While it’s true that others have failed to live up to my expectations in relationaships, none have failed as frequently or hurt me as badly as I have hurt myself judging them for their shortcomings. Perhaps what becoming mature and balanced is all about is getting rid of the self sabotage inclination. Well, if so and if you achieve that before I do even for a second, moment, an hour, or a day – give me a hand up the lader from the pit of despair too, eh? I hear you crying and I weep with you from afar.

    sulz: thanks for your kind words. don’t believe am any near ‘becoming mature and balanced’ despite 21st birthday approaching. this is the sort of post would look and back 5 years’ time maybe, and think what a drama queen am! but it’s easy to say things like these when one doesn’t feel the despair at the moment, but at night maybe…

  2. Things always look and feel worse at night for me. Last night I felt particularly black and I know you’ve read why in my blog. For me times look and feel worse when it’s rainy gloomy and dark. At such times, when the weather and my moods coincide, my moods intensify. In the daylight and especially in the sunshine I feel my moods elevate and let some light into a dark situation. But sometimes no matter how much light is shining my mood remains gloomy. Take today for example, it’s a beautiful day on my island and yet I spent most of it crying over how people treated me years ago. One would think I’d let go of the pain of that memory but “no” here I am living it again. Not smart enough, not mature enough and not balanced enough to stop hurting myself with painful memories adds up to pathetic. I guess in some ways I’ve just grown older without becoming any wiser. It’s pathetic but true and that’s my state today – truly pathetic. I sincerely hope yours has improved.

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