blogging gobbledygook and such

This is bad, isn’t it?

This is the most honest post she has ever written. She has to put this in her blog, because there’s no where else she can pour her guilt without feeling like the biggest fucktardarse in the world.

Today, in the college’s computer lab, a lady plonks herself next to her. She has that snotty look, the kind that seems to condescend arrogantly. She switches the monitor on. A few seconds goes by and the computer does not seem to start. She fiddles with the monitor switch, on and off and on and off, thinking that is the way to start a computer. She looks out of the corner of her eye with amusement and decides to end the snotty lady’s misery by pressing the CPU button. The computer finally starts, but the snotty lady didn’t realise it was the girl next to her who really started it and thought her vigorous pushing of the monitor buttons did the trick!

For some reason, the girl takes offense at the snotty lady’s misguided beliefs of her computer-starting abilities. The girl thinks, is she so insignificant? But it’s so baseless to think that way – the snotty lady probably wasn’t even looking at her direction (snotty as she is).

A few minutes later, the lady tries to insert her thumb drive. Out of the corner of her eye again, the girl looks at the lady who seems to be frustrated because the computer doesn’t seem to be registering her thumb drive. It takes the girl a second before she realises why. The snotty lady is inserting her thumb drive at the next computer’s CPU and not hers!

Needless to say, her opinion of snotty lady is deteriorating by the second when the snotty lady goes one step further into technology idiocy – she shifts the CPU so she could insert her thumb drive at the back of it, thinking the front plug (for the lack of a better word from a less than savvy techie) does not work. But, of course, she’s shifting the wrong bloody CPU!

Why doesn’t the girl help the lady? Because she still feels slighted by the lady’s unintentional ignorance of her helping start the computer. Besides, if she really wants the girl’s help, all she has to do is ask. But she doesn’t.

It takes her a few more minutes to give up and try her thumb drive on the next computer the next row. By then, her friend arrives at the lab and sits himself next to her. And being the gossip queen she is, she cannot resists talking about this incident in a less than complimentary manner.

After she finishes using the computer, she heads over to the canteen where her friend is having an afternoon snack. While they are sharing his snack, he tells her her best friend is walking over there. It’s the snotty lady. And she adds a few unsavoury adjectives as the lady walks to her car.

A few moments later, a man walks by the girl and her friend and sits himself at the girl’s table. He asks, does she know that lady just now was his wife? To cut this unpleasant story short, the lady must have guessed from the girl’s less than discreet glances at her that she was talking about her, and sends her husband to teach this girl a lesson about badmouthing strangers.

The girl, on instinct, owns up to her badmouthing. That, and she always has this rule she likes to go by: you can do anything illicit as long as you keep it discreet. But if you get caught in the act, you have to face the music. And that is what she did. She apologises to the husband for more than half a dozen times with a very thick skin. The husband, not satisfied, adds that why is she talking about his wife like that? Does she think his wife does not know about computers? The computer is really spoiled! She wants to point out that his wife is sticking her bloody thumb drive at the wrong CPU, but she thinks, well, she did do something wrong, so why not just let them have the satisfaction of thinking this is just another rude, thoughtless youth?

The mini-burger she is eating before the husband comes now does not taste as delicious anymore. She and her friend sit silently. Her friend tries to console her by taking her side. Don’t care this stupid people, he says. But she is wrong, she says.

She feels so incredibly guilty and sorry. Not for what she has done, but for getting caught. To say that she is sorry for saying all those mean things would be quite a lie, because she is that sort of bitch, and if she is really sorry then she should have learnt a lesson and not do such a thing again in future. But how can one not talk bad about something or someone ever? It’s impossible, it’s not human. So what she is really sorry about is the fact that she was caught and by being caught she has caused the lady some misery for being condescended by someone younger than her.

So the snotty lady is not snotty, but the girl who thinks she is snotty.

Why does she want to reveal such a heinous flaw in such a public place? Because this blog is her space, and in her space she should be allowed to reveal bad and good things without being judged the way she is judged by the lady and the husband who only see the worst side of this girl. She desperately wants to believe that she is not a bad person for committing such a sin, because everybody does it, just that they are not as stupid as her as to be caught doing it.

And so she tells this story in her blog in an attempt to justify herself, unburden her guilt and seek approval. This is the most honest post she has ever written.

Comments on: "This is bad, isn’t it?" (2)

  1. When I could help someone, I often ask myself if I should do so. When I was younger, I would never hesitate to help somebody…
    I help when I have hope in humanity… When I don’t, well…

    sulz: can’t change what has happened, but maybe this will serve her as a reminder to “cover her tracks” better in future.

  2. Ahh sulz my little friend. You must clearly understand why I keep a howl list and religiously write all this crap that happens on it, and after I have a good howl every full moon, I burn it and I start anew. It’s the coyote thing to do.

    You are not a “bad” person sulz and labeling yourself is not a healthy thing to do. Shit happens and people fuck up – accept that, forgive yourself and move on. This is what my howl list helps me do.

    Maybe you could create your own substitute for a howl list but this I know for sure – guilt tripping yourself will only lead you to a bad place. So as your friend I urge you not to go there. I also urge you to understand that your little circle of blogging friends here is not going to judge you harshly for being human.

    Keep blogging for it’s cathartic value. Continue making your blog your mirror and keep your girls up ^^ sulz.

    *kisses* tt

    sulz: thanks, needed that. *hugs*

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