blogging gobbledygook and such

What has it come to, then?

As a child, I had wanted my parents to divorce. I hated the way they were always quarrelling, about me, about their hang-ups, about money. I thought that they should be better off if they went their separate ways. They won’t have to put up with each other’s bad habits, they won’t have to hurt each other with their words, they won’t have to hurt me as well.

We are one step closer to our family breaking apart.

Before I left the house for work, they were having their weekly quarrels, the kind I hear week in, week out. The kind I have learnt to dismiss because it’s as habitual as shitting. It always begins with the mother getting irritated by the father’s many annoying habits. Then she starts vomiting old stories about the father’s past mistakes and current flaws. The father usually takes all the verbal blows like a defeated pugilist.

Not today. Somehow, today the mother has crossed the line.

Have never heard the father ranted about the mother like I’m hearing now as I type this. Deep down, I’ve known they don’t love each other anymore. I know that. I just thought they need each other too much to ever consider separating.

They have hurt too much. I see both sides. I know why they react the way they did with their battles. But they just cannot put themselves in each other’s shoes. I don’t know why. And yet I do why.

I’m crying because it hurts to see them hurting. I’m crying because I know they are hurting more than I am.

They’re on the opposite ends in every way two people can be opposite and I’m caught in the middle. I feel like I’m the only child. I feel like I wish I was never born.

It’s their battle. And I’m helpless. I can’t help them. I can only watch what more can hatred produce between two people who I actually found hard to believe were in love once.

I just wish this would all be over soon.

edit 21 December 2006

When people finally stand up for themselves, often the abuser is shocked into submission.

Yesterday, they are talking about how to hit each other at their weakest, and displaying all skeletons from their closets – things that happened before self was born. How they will never forgive each other for that one or two things that hurt them until now.

Today, they are both civil and pretending nothing has happened.

Just another sweeping under carpets.

(You guys are driving self fucking insane.)

edit edit

The father just said that the mother apologised and hugged him while was at work today.

*derisive laughter and partially grossed out*

Affection Malaysian-style.

Comments on: "What has it come to, then?" (6)

  1. For you, my friend, a haiku of my own submitted for this Holiday.

    STRING THEORY
    open minds unite
    in such vast territories
    universal link.

    Interesting how computers can link you with souls.

    Season’s Greetings.

    sulz: thank you for your lovely haiku.

    indeed, it is interesting. amazing sometimes. 🙂

  2. Having been a childcare worker for several years, I have seen the worst end of the aftermath of family relationships that go bad.

    Most parents don’t realize the damage they do to their children under circumstances where they are openly negative to each other. I really believe that we learn what to expect from relationships from our parents. There are other components, of course. However, we have more work to do…and have to overcome some serious issues if we had witnessed anything intense. Children can be resilient, and there is always hope. Unfortunately, sometimes the odds can be fairly stacked against the child.

    Relationships that aren’t mutual…that involve power struggle or control issues…manipulation…and submissiveness. The children of that relationship can learn the wrong behaviors for love/relationships to last.

    Like I said…there is always hope…and it begins with recognizing that there is something to work on. Being able to inventory your strengths and weaknesses is next…and being able to identify and avoid situations that emphasize those weaknesses follows.

    I seriously recommend reading THE FAMILY by John Bradshaw. It talks about how family dynamics work in functional as well as dysfunctional families. There was even a video series on PBS they recorded that goes over the content of the book. Eye-opening stuff…and an easy read.

    I also recommend the TALK BOOK by Gerald Goodman. It looks at how conversation is used, both opening and secretively, in relationship building. So much of that book makes sense…and it helps you see (and avoid) traps.

    sulz: thank you for sharing your thoughts and recommendations. feel like am too old to fall in the category of children, where you mentioned “Most parents don’t realize the damage they do to their children under circumstances where they are openly negative to each other.” !

    will keep a lookout for the book.

  3. As a teen and then young adult, I had wanted my parents to divorce mainly because I felt my father didn’t care about us and mistreated mom. But mom persisted on staying with him because she didn’t want to lose her children if divorced.

    Mom also didn’t have the independence streak and financial independence. Father would never divorce mom – he didn’t want to pay her. Besides, who else would do the household for him?

    At a point, I hated both parents.

    I learnt to be tolerant. What they fight about, sometimes do involve us (bro & I) but since I’m working already, I don’t need their approval to do whatever I want. I learnt not to care so much. It’s their choice.

    Yes, their choices cause ripples in us. It’s also how we react and proact too.

    Hope your family will find closure.. either together or separately.

    sulz: thanks for your words of support. sounds like your family is still together, dysfunctional as they are… which is better than separated, in self’s opinion. that is what am hoping for this family too actually.

    but if they’re better off separate, who am self to stop them from getting their peace of mind?

  4. Schizo Phrenic said:

    been there. Felt that. This too shall pass. prayers.
    schizo
    shifting to thephilip.org

    sulz: it passes, yes, but when will the end of this come??

    noted your blog shift. *scribbles on palm*

  5. sorry to hear that…perhaps you should try disengaging yourself from such scenes by getting out of the house (short/long stroll around the neighbourhood) or drowning yourself with music on the headphones.

    sulz: that was what self wanted to do yesterday, but the father obviously needed to rant more than self needed to run away from the situation. so had to be the old man’s punching bag… aurally, of course.

  6. While we may grow older, there is always some of the parent/child dynamic. Parents and children, even grown children, can still be hurt or effected by the others decisions and actions. Unless you completely shut the other person out, that relationship is still there

    sulz: true, but sad.

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