As a child, I had wanted my parents to divorce. I hated the way they were always quarrelling, about me, about their hang-ups, about money. I thought that they should be better off if they went their separate ways. They won’t have to put up with each other’s bad habits, they won’t have to hurt each other with their words, they won’t have to hurt me as well.
We are one step closer to our family breaking apart.
Before I left the house for work, they were having their weekly quarrels, the kind I hear week in, week out. The kind I have learnt to dismiss because it’s as habitual as shitting. It always begins with the mother getting irritated by the father’s many annoying habits. Then she starts vomiting old stories about the father’s past mistakes and current flaws. The father usually takes all the verbal blows like a defeated pugilist.
Not today. Somehow, today the mother has crossed the line.
Have never heard the father ranted about the mother like I’m hearing now as I type this. Deep down, I’ve known they don’t love each other anymore. I know that. I just thought they need each other too much to ever consider separating.
They have hurt too much. I see both sides. I know why they react the way they did with their battles. But they just cannot put themselves in each other’s shoes. I don’t know why. And yet I do why.
I’m crying because it hurts to see them hurting. I’m crying because I know they are hurting more than I am.
They’re on the opposite ends in every way two people can be opposite and I’m caught in the middle. I feel like I’m the only child. I feel like I wish I was never born.
It’s their battle. And I’m helpless. I can’t help them. I can only watch what more can hatred produce between two people who I actually found hard to believe were in love once.
I just wish this would all be over soon.
edit 21 December 2006
When people finally stand up for themselves, often the abuser is shocked into submission.
Yesterday, they are talking about how to hit each other at their weakest, and displaying all skeletons from their closets – things that happened before self was born. How they will never forgive each other for that one or two things that hurt them until now.
Today, they are both civil and pretending nothing has happened.
Just another sweeping under carpets.
(You guys are driving self fucking insane.)
The father just said that the mother apologised and hugged him while was at work today.
*derisive laughter and partially grossed out*