blogging gobbledygook and such

I am not the only child. But I feel like one. I feel like one because my father releases his anger and frustrations about my mother. I feel like one because my mother releases her anger and frustrations about my father.

I am not the only child. It’s bad enough I have to hear my father talk all this skewed, rotten things about her, I have to hear that from my mother too. Again I say

I AM NOT THE ONLY CHILD!!!

Don’t make me be that. I feel so pressured when I hear you fight. Then I have to hear each parent rant and rave. I’m being shit upon twice over and let me tell you, maybe I helped you feel better by listening but I don’t want to be your emotional dumping ground.

Hell, I don’t even tell you my real emotional issues, why am I being subjected to hearing your propagandas about each other, as though forcing me to pick a side?

It makes me so angry that I have to shoulder all these fears and insecurities about my parents just because I’m the one who’s at home the most.

I am twenty-one, but that doesn’t make me more adult about issues like my father and my mother. I need you both to be that to me, and not make me your emotional dumping ground the way you would a friend.

I am not your only child, please don’t shit on me so much.

Comments on: "Are you your parents’ emotional dumping ground?" (4)

  1. Actually, this is pretty common although it’s bad. So refuse to listen to either of them. Why don’t you tell them you don’t want to hear? And stick to it. Each time you lend them your ears you are giving them a clear message…that you’re there for them to offload on.

    sulz: am just emotional at the moment of typing that. if am not willing to listen, they don’t have anybody to tell, actually. they don’t have best friends or people they can trust to confide in.

  2. I think they think you’re mature enough to be treated as a friend to tell you their troubles… (Well, they consider you grown up now!!!! Isn’t that like everyone’s dream?) Even I’ve gone thru this phase, and have had my mom telling me all her cares in the world for 2 hours straight, and my dad with his 5-10 minute tirades harping on Mummy… BUT…

    Agreeing with britgirl, It IS kinda tough handling it? But I think if you can’t take too much, you need to tell them straight on. But do be available at times, as you said, they may not have anybody else to tell…

    OR… Even better, tell them to talk to each other. Ha!

    Luv,
    nelsonnium

    sulz: this is one weirdo who doesn’t want to grow up so fast! (seriously, who wants to start work after a decade and a half of studying?)

    the mother just shat on self for nearly two hours. am feeling not unlike a sore anus, but still am too chicken to tell her to stop it.

    sigh. till then, you’ll be reading more rants about the domestic drama here. 🙂

    tell them to talk to each other? HA!

  3. timethief said:

    It’s sad when a child grows up on an emotional battleground and it’s sadder still to become the unwilling living archive of both parents horrid rants about the other.

    On one hand, it can twist the gut and can make one feel sick to their stomach. On the other, it can make one fill one’s self with food to fill the empty space left after their toxic waste is digested. Hence, it’s not surprising to find that research demonstrates children who come from such backgrounds frequently suffer from eating disorders, depression and migraines.

    Worst of all, parents are role models and no matter how hard we children try to remain focused on the positive it’s not surprising to find in adulthood that many of us manifest the same behaviours our dysfunctional parents did. I have seen this happen to my friends.

    The most damaging thing battling parents do to us is to show no respect for us as persons. Stripping away our childhood innocence and creating family insecurity by indulging in their adolescent behaviour can make us feel that the roles have become reversed and that we are the reluctant parent of two spoiled brats.

    However, when we become aware that if we allow their toxic waste to leach deep inside into our sacred self that our capacity for confidence that we will find a respectful, loving partner can be eroded away.

    There is a remedy. Create boundaries with your parents and insist your boundaries be respected and protect your own heart. Recognize that when you live in a battlefield you must wear a suit of amour sulz.

    Tell them they are making you sick inside. Tell them you will listen to no more and then turn on your heel and exit. Do this consistently over and over again and eventually you will gain confidence in your ability to take care of your inner self to protect your scared heart from harm.

    How do I know this? I am the eldest child of two very dysfunctional parents who acted they way you describe. I unwittingly became the only child out of five who was the target of the spiteful outpouring from the foul and hurtful mouths of both parents. I thought I would go crazy so I spoke to a school counsellor and she helped me learn how to draw the line, hide away my sacred heart and stick to my position.

    It took a long time but eventually both parents understood that if they started with me again I would firmly but without shouting state my mantra and then leave the room.

    “Stop. You are showing that you do not respect me when you act like this. Stop because when you do this I feel my respect for you fade away. Stop hurting me. Stop making me sick. Go and get the help you need to heal your marriage from professionals.”

    My parents never did get professional help but they learned that I would not listen to their crap. And most of all I learned to be strong inside. They also learned that if they pulled any of this stuff in my home my husband would stand up beside me and we would go and get their coats, thank them for visiting and tell them to come back when they had sorted themselves out.

    Take care of your sacred heart sulz and keep your hope alive. I have a happy marriage and will have one too.

    Best wishes little one.

    sulz: the highlighted phrases in your comment just describes self’s situation perfectly. your advice is highly appreciated; am not as brave as to tell parents that, but am going to start walking away and just not saying anything when it happens in future. even if they don’t get the hint, at least will not be shit upon anymore.

  4. Been There said:

    This thread is old but I’ve been there too. I was my mother’s emotional vomit catcher. She had been the oldest in a family of nine and probably underwent sexual abuse for a decade or more before the next girl was old enough for the old man (30 something) to start on. She could never deal with that rage so whenever she got stressed and triggered over money or such then Dad would retreat and I’d be stuck as her “mate” to clean up or catch all her emotional vomiting. I carried that crap for years. Finally, way into my 40’s, I received some counseling and started to healthily dump my mother’s emotional junk from my life. I think Time Thief has given some good advice about setting down boundaries, telling the folks that their illness is making you sick and then walking away. Don’t sit there and let them dump on you. Another phrase to offer would be, “I care about you, I love you, but I really don’t have the skill or experience to help you with your problems. I really think you need to find a professional counselor to talk to. Love you, but I’ve gotta run.” And, make yourself an imaginary raincoat so that in those times when you can’t get away, put that coat on, totally cover yourself and your sacred heart up with it and when the parents are done with their “sharing” or emotional vomiting due to their being emotionally unhealthy, then see all the crap on the rain coat and you being able to get out from under the raincoat with not a bit of the crap on you and walk away. One last point — this is their crap or s**t. Don’t take it on as yours. They need to grow up and take ownership of their own lives and their toxic emotions which leads back to repeatedly, like a broken record, saying, “I love you, I care about you but I AM NOT a professional counselor; please, for your health and mine, make an appointment to see one as soon as possible.”

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