Currently in blogging constipation mode, so what better topic to talk about than shit? Copied from here.
Which have you the fortune of not experiencing? Have not experienced nos. 2, 6, 7, 8, 15, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 27, and 28.
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you’ve, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family…
1. Ghost Shit
You know you’ve shit. There’s shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
2. Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
3. Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
4. Second Thought Shit
You’re all done wiping your ass and you’re about to stand up when you realize it…..you’ve got some more.
5. Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis.
It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
6. Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.
7.Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
8. King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else’s house.
9. Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
10. Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
11. Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you shit.
12. Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft
and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
13. Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else’s house.
14. Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You’ll know it’s alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
15. Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn’t smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there’s somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else’s house.
16. The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
17. The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
18. The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
19. The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
20. The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
21. The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
22. The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it’s normal size.
23. The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
24. The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
25. The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
26. Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche – but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
27. The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.
28. Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
29. The Never Ending Shit
It’s the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pee, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
30. Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, “Shit happens.”
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don’t talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it’s okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don’t work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don’t call a doctor – pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That’s MY shit.
Communism: It’s everybody’s shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can’t live without us…
Commercialism: Let’s package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let’s bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn’t happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see “Dianetics”, p.157.
Jehovah’s Witnesses: Knock Knock; Shit happens.
Jehovah’s Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah’s Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can’t believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.
And of course we must add…Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens-one day at a time!