This post is in response to Nelsonnium’s dilemma. He is concerned of his girlfriend’s piling on the pounds because he wants to marry her, if only she could lose some of the weight.
Have mentioned before that people shouldn’t exactly judge other people’s romantic preferences. Am trying not to, Nel, so please forgive self if am inadvertently doing so.
Just in case you’re wondering, Nel 😉 , self should lose about as much weight as you say your girlfriend needs.
As much as self promote fat acceptance in this blog, can understand why you feel that way. It’s natural to want the best for the people you love; in your case, you truly believe that that is the best for you and your girlfriend, as well as for your relationship.
However, am also seeing it from your girlfriend’s point of view. She knows she’s fat, she wants to lose the weight, but she doesn’t seem to want it enough to do something about it. Maybe she does want it badly, but factors like low metabolism and circumstances get in the way.
There are several approaches to this situation:
1. As one of the commenters in your post mentioned, support is crucial. Perhaps what you can do is help her lose the weight, instead of asking her to do it herself. Go for jogging dates, find a physical activity that you both can enjoy, like mountain climbing, or ice skating, or cycling. The not-taking-her-out-to-eat-anymore bit is a bit of a no-no, in self’s opinion, because as you said she goes out for dinner with her friends instead. You should take her out for dinner; just keep in mind to avoid restaurants which serve high calorie content food. There are plenty of sugar-free dark chocolate you can give her, or you can give her a non-food gift like flowers or a book or a stuffed toy. You also need to express your love and support to her constantly, because even if you think she knows that you love her, she needs to hear it every now and then. Validation of loved ones can never be too much, especially when one needs support.
2. That commenter also said that she will not lose the weight unless she wants to. So that means even if you opt for Option 1, it does not guarantee she will lose it, not unless she really wants to. If you’re wondering what can you do to make her want to, the answer is you can’t because the decision to lose weight has to come from herself. And it isn’t just mere saying that she wants to, she has really want it deep inside. You just have to wait for that moment to come, and in the meantime keep on supporting her.
3. If you’re sincerely frustrated by this issue, perhaps it is time to reevalute the relationship, or your perspective. You say you will marry her once the weight is off, but will you suffer from the same frustration again if she has difficulties losing weight after having kids? Do you think your worries are valid? Are you concerned because her fatness bothers you personally, or because you are worried for her health, or because you want your mom’s blessing for the marriage, or something else? Do you love her enough to set aside your opinion of the fat? Would you resent her in future if you tried to reshape your views and values of fat?
There are people from the camp of thought who thinks that it’s shallow to not want to marry a girl because she’s fat. To an extent that is true, because one should prioritise the importance of inner beauty. But it does not mean a person who views highly of outer beauty places less importance on inner beauty; perhaps he places these two parts of beauty equally, and seeing that his beloved should have some qualities of inner beauty that attracted him to her in the first place, he is now focusing on the other aspect. To want your loved one to lose weight could be viewed as a fattist perspective and it could not. It is akin to nagging your spouse to tidy up his workroom, or complaining on your wife’s punctuality. It is natural to want to “change” a bad habit of someone you love, because you want the best for the people you love. However, there is a line between wanting the best for them and wanting the best of them for you. It’s a very fine line that differs in every individual, and to know if you have crossed that line you have to do some pondering on the pillow tonight.
Nelsonnium, hope you don’t take this post the wrong way. It is as much as self’s wanting to offer advice to you in your situation as self’s wanting to pen something thought-provoking for others in the same situation, and even for self should self ever be in a similar situation in the future. To think that you’re shallow for being concerned of your girlfriend’s weight is shallow in itself, because nobody else can know the exact dynamics of your relationship with your girlfriend, and that there are many aspects to consider before pronouncing a judgement like that. Hence this rather lengthy post with lots of question in parts of them.
Hope things work out between you and your girlfriend.