blogging gobbledygook and such

This post is in response to Nelsonnium’s dilemma. He is concerned of his girlfriend’s piling on the pounds because he wants to marry her, if only she could lose some of the weight.

Have mentioned before that people shouldn’t exactly judge other people’s romantic preferences. Am trying not to, Nel, so please forgive self if am inadvertently doing so.

Just in case you’re wondering, Nel 😉 , self should lose about as much weight as you say your girlfriend needs.

As much as self promote fat acceptance in this blog, can understand why you feel that way. It’s natural to want the best for the people you love; in your case, you truly believe that that is the best for you and your girlfriend, as well as for your relationship.

However, am also seeing it from your girlfriend’s point of view. She knows she’s fat, she wants to lose the weight, but she doesn’t seem to want it enough to do something about it. Maybe she does want it badly, but factors like low metabolism and circumstances get in the way.

There are several approaches to this situation:

1. As one of the commenters in your post mentioned, support is crucial. Perhaps what you can do is help her lose the weight, instead of asking her to do it herself. Go for jogging dates, find a physical activity that you both can enjoy, like mountain climbing, or ice skating, or cycling. The not-taking-her-out-to-eat-anymore bit is a bit of a no-no, in self’s opinion, because as you said she goes out for dinner with her friends instead. You should take her out for dinner; just keep in mind to avoid restaurants which serve high calorie content food. There are plenty of sugar-free dark chocolate you can give her, or you can give her a non-food gift like flowers or a book or a stuffed toy. You also need to express your love and support to her constantly, because even if you think she knows that you love her, she needs to hear it every now and then. Validation of loved ones can never be too much, especially when one needs support.

2. That commenter also said that she will not lose the weight unless she wants to. So that means even if you opt for Option 1, it does not guarantee she will lose it, not unless she really wants to. If you’re wondering what can you do to make her want to, the answer is you can’t because the decision to lose weight has to come from herself. And it isn’t just mere saying that she wants to, she has really want it deep inside. You just have to wait for that moment to come, and in the meantime keep on supporting her.

3. If you’re sincerely frustrated by this issue, perhaps it is time to reevalute the relationship, or your perspective. You say you will marry her once the weight is off, but will you suffer from the same frustration again if she has difficulties losing weight after having kids? Do you think your worries are valid? Are you concerned because her fatness bothers you personally, or because you are worried for her health, or because you want your mom’s blessing for the marriage, or something else? Do you love her enough to set aside your opinion of the fat? Would you resent her in future if you tried to reshape your views and values of fat?

There are people from the camp of thought who thinks that it’s shallow to not want to marry a girl because she’s fat. To an extent that is true, because one should prioritise the importance of inner beauty. But it does not mean a person who views highly of outer beauty places less importance on inner beauty; perhaps he places these two parts of beauty equally, and seeing that his beloved should have some qualities of inner beauty that attracted him to her in the first place, he is now focusing on the other aspect. To want your loved one to lose weight could be viewed as a fattist perspective and it could not. It is akin to nagging your spouse to tidy up his workroom, or complaining on your wife’s punctuality. It is natural to want to “change” a bad habit of someone you love, because you want the best for the people you love. However, there is a line between wanting the best for them and wanting the best of them for you. It’s a very fine line that differs in every individual, and to know if you have crossed that line you have to do some pondering on the pillow tonight.

Nelsonnium, hope you don’t take this post the wrong way. It is as much as self’s wanting to offer advice to you in your situation as self’s wanting to pen something thought-provoking for others in the same situation, and even for self should self ever be in a similar situation in the future. To think that you’re shallow for being concerned of your girlfriend’s weight is shallow in itself, because nobody else can know the exact dynamics of your relationship with your girlfriend, and that there are many aspects to consider before pronouncing a judgement like that. Hence this rather lengthy post with lots of question in parts of them.

Hope things work out between you and your girlfriend.

Comments on: "Would you still love your girlfriend if she got fatter?" (7)

  1. lovelyloey said:

    Ok, I read about his dilemma, and here’s the comment I gave him:
    ” I understand the weight’s probably the last hurdle you have to cross before you are sure you love her enough to want to marry her. Like Sulz, I don’t doubt your love for her but is it a case of “I won’t marry her if she’s fat” or “I would really like her to be lighter”? I’ve heard of guys who never ever go out with fat girls and that’s downright superficial. I’m sure you’re not one of them. 🙂 ”
    Uh-huh. I was just discussing with a friend that day, like what we’d do hypothetically if there was this guy we’re interested in, who likes us a bit, but never really acted because we’re fat, and IF one day we were less fat, he suddenly decided to profess his love – will we accept that sort of superficial behaviour? (Oddly phrased sentence, hope you can understand. Haha)

    sulz: personally wouldn’t, because can’t guarantee if would not gain back the weight have lost. need someone to be able to see past that.

  2. I love the 3 approaches you gave to Nel, and especially the first. I agree that it is shallow of someone to put off marriage simply because their mate is gaining weight. But this, sadly, is human nature, is it not?

    You say you will marry her once the weight is off, but will you suffer from the same frustration again if she has difficulties losing weight after having kids?

    I wonder what would happen if this situation rises? If love is true, it should not matter. I could understand the worry of health, but other than that..just let it go.

    sulz: the first one is something would like to do with a friend, actually. it is as shallow as a person who does not like another person because of their intellectual differences, yet it is not seen as discriminatory as someone who does not prefer fat people. and yet, people in love can look beyond such flaws if they don’t regard it as a problem.

  3. Thank you Sulz…

    I just needed reassurance that what I’m feeling wasn’t abnormal and that if I follow and persist, it’ll happen… Have been waiting, wishing, hoping, but not helping I guess… But… Jogging isn’t something we might be able to do together yet… (closed college community, you see?)… And she’s got a membership to a nice gym with a treadmill and other equipment…

    Your third suggestion hit me most… And I’ve re-evaluated my relationship so many times… And I know that whatever happens, we’ll living a happy life together. I’m not breaking up or whatever.

    Post-pregnancy? I’d love for her to stay in shape.

    But trust me, I’m not the bad guy/movie villian threatening to leave her or anything… I’m just the nice guy trying to figure out if I’ve been too nice.

    I’ve been called a lobotomized emu, an elephant with a hydrocoele, superficial, and I think I shall get more… But I think I need help as well to handle this problem…

    So thanks to the people who were non-judgemental and suggested things which could be done.

    Luv,
    nelsonnium

    sulz: thank you for understanding. 🙂 you’re absolutely normal, let self reassure you. the thing is, she can have all the exercise facilities in the world, and it’s just not fun to do it alone. she has yet to cultivate the love of exercise, which is why she doesn’t seem motivated enough to lose the weight.

    am very glad to hear that you aren’t going to end the relationship. in the meanwhile, don’t stop verbally supporting her if you can’t provide physical support (ie. jogging dates). hopefully things will work out soon.

  4. nice template btw. back to the old one huh?

    sulz: this is the first time am trying out this theme (k2). but yes, eyes got tired of squinting at the small font in previous theme. 😛

  5. psychotobic said:

    dear sulz…
    love ya!!! seriously… thanks for saying all the things dat i would’ve somehow never been able to put into words… you’ve really really helped, more than you know… and i actually do hate exercise…. so that was bang on spot too… and i really LOVE food… any kind… so… the whole process has been difficult… but reality checks help and i got one today… from within myself (finally!!!) therefore… the ball is set to roll… hope some good comes out of this attempt…
    many thanks again…
    luv, me

    sulz: hey you. 🙂 glad to help… and join the exercise-hating club (it’s only fun if you have fellow fat people exercising with you and not seeing all the toned, sculpted bodies with you in the gym where you stick out like a fat thumb, pun so unintended here)! wishing you all the best in your attempt.

  6. If a guy suddenly pay attention to me only after I had lost weight, have flawless skin, dress sexily, well.. TOO BAD! :p I may flirt for fun or just to spite him but no relationship with such shallow person.

    But then it could be he just hadn’t realized how great his gf is truly?

    sulz: same here. well, apparently the problem has been resolved; the gf said she decided to do something about her weight, but not directly as a result of his post.

  7. to continue my earlier comment… great or not, if both can’t find an agreement on her weight/fat issues – even agree to disagree, then maybe they should think why they are together now.

    sulz: agree to disagree is one way of looking at it, another would be tolerating and accepting the other person’s flaws. that would be really nice. 🙂

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