blogging gobbledygook and such

Have recently realised that two people in self’s life are quite similar in character to a certain member of self’s family.

It’s strange that have not made any connection whatsoever to this certain family member, because they’re alike in a lot of ways. In the beginning, they’re friendly, confident, wise, generous, cheerful and showed a lot of interest in self as a friend.

Later, their true colours are revealed – they’re manipulative, judgmental, disloyal, two-faced and become cold-shouldered towards self. They impose their personality upon self, slyly pass judgment through their conscious choice of words and subtle actions, and filled self with a lot of doubt and a sense of failure in self.
(The only difference between family member and these two friends is that the family one gets to do all this for the rest of self’s life.)

The unfortunate family member aside, friendships like this has to end, despite self’s naïve hopefulness in making the relationship work. Because there was a reason we were attracted (in a non-sexual way) to each other; despite the emotionally damaging traits they display, they are actually still all the good things they were when we first knew each other. And it is this side self remember that makes self want to forget whatever conflict that happened between us and start all over again.

But we know that leopards don’t change their spots.

In this article Why some friendships have to end by Amanda Riley-Jones (The Star, 5 November 2005), she wrote (some parts edited):

The sad truth is that few friendships last a lifetime. In the days when everyone was much less mobile, children who sat next to each other in junior school would probably be friends for life.

But now we have so many choices and different stages in our lives, we gather an ever-increasing circle of friends.

[…] I have discovered a new pragmatism in myself. I am simply to busy to keep maintaining friendships that I no longer enjoy. Shedding friends is not just unavoidable, it’s healthy.

In an accompanying article by Riley-Jones, she commented further on the ‘best friend’ label (some parts edited):

There are a number of reasons why friendships end. You have fewer values in common, the edgy competition which sustained your friendship becomes irksome, your friend makes you feel guilty and her company ceases to be pleasureable.

“It’s very common for women to maintain relationship they would love to get out of,” says psychologist and author Dorothy Rowe. “We do it out of habit, guilt, apathy, reluctance to hurt someone’s feelings or be seen as hard.”

Sometimes, it’s simply part of the process of growing up.

“As most of us change geographically and intellectually, in terms of our personal development, we’re likely to outgrow most of our friendships, if not our marriages, too,” says Gael Lindenfield, psychotherapist and author.

So it’s time for self to let go. This does not mean that won’t observe the rituals of phatic communion (ie. saying hello and goodbye, engaging in small talk) with these people – but just the necessary amount of it. A larger sense of self-preservation should prevail in our relationship – that means no sharing notes with her unless she is willing to do the same, saying no to any requests that self do not want to fulfil, and quitting any comparison between her and self. (Easier said than done, but it’s a start.)

So good bye, you two biatches!

*

Dave has an interesting post about friendship.

I’m slightly baffled with the practices of individuals who tend to include strangers as friends on online network groups such as friendster, but more often than not, not keep contact or communicate with each other. One of my friends whom I’ve interviewed said that “it’s fun to post up pictures and then have people look at them, and you get to know other people and know that you’re somehow related to them through your friends.”

But when I asked her if she contacts or talks to these people she added, she hesitantly said no. It’s ironic actually…knowing individuals on a superficial basis (i.e. “oh, I know you, and you know I exist”) and then categorising them as friends.

Comments on: "Do you hold on to friends who aren’t quite friends anymore?" (7)

  1. woot! i’ve been quoted! haha. yeah, a couple of ‘friends’ of mine ended their relationship with me. or rather, it could have been the other way around.

    sulz: at least it has an ending. these two people don’t even realise that self have given up on them.

  2. When 1 person changes, do the friends accept the ‘new’ you? Or do you still want to hangout with your ‘friends’?

    It’s too bad that we all can’t be best friends from the crib till we die but everyone is around for a reason. I really regretted and wished things were different when my ‘friends’ and I weren’t getting along as good as previously but sometimes it’s good to clear out bad friends and make space for new / better friends.

    Yeah, a lot of people in network sites add strangers with “Let’s be friends” and the only update later is when they view you/your friends pics. Hah. Some friends.

    sulz: on one hand, feel like it’s good to get rid of negative friends like this; on the other, still a little regretful and wondering what if, what if. but must move on in life! 🙂

    some people would add you on their friendster, but would stare right past you if you bumped into them outside a mamak stall or the mall. and they are the one who requested to add you in the first place!

  3. kileabug said:

    I think it’s wise to let go of the friends, unfortunaltely family is a different story. I myself have stumbled upon this awakening experience some odd years ago. I found my friends weren’t what they once were, but people change. sometimes it’s for the good and other times we’re not sure what exactly it changed to. But family…ah..family. They do the same things and yet they’re still around and we still love them. I have and aunt, she has kicked me out of her home 4 times in the past 5 years. She takes me in and helps me out for a few weeks then starts her crap. The yelling, fighting, selfishness, and craziness gets spread from one end of the house to the other. I leave and a few months later we’re back to talking. I know I could never let a friend treat me the same way, but still I allow her to. And though I have my own home now, I still find instigated fights over ideas that I still don’t understand and sometimes have no clue to what we’re fighting about. Crazy huh? My advise: Know blood is thicker than water and you’re family loves you still. Friends are a dime a dozen.

    sulz: your family cycle sounds familiar, but fortunately that family member has yet to get around kicking self out of the house. her speciality is mostly verbal abuse. 😉

    family have strange ways of showing love, that’s for sure! it’s nice that you steadfastly hold on to that belief and not let yourself doubt your family.

  4. Close friends are a lot like family. The closer you get to them the more you notice the “faults” you missed before they became close. And if it is a personality change it is not usually just the friends that have changed. It is usually both people that change. If the changes affect the relationship you have to look into yourself as much as you do the person you are judging. Sometimes you will notice they have not changed much at all but you just expect something different at that stage of the friendship. I am big on expectations of loyalty from friends and family. I always have been and always will be. It has cost me many friendships because I expect more than they do. That is not their fault – it is mine. If it becomes clear that the person is not someone you want to buddy around with then, yes you have to make a decision. I have always felt it best to just distance myself from persons I no longer share a feeling of bond towards. And then if we do happen to continue to run in similar circles there is rarely any animosity when you do bump together. And sometimes once the proper distance has returned they are not so bad to be around on occasion.

    sulz: very wise words you’ve shared, the part about it being your fault for having high expectations. a lot of people don’t realise that that is a flaw in itself, self included sometimes. and the last sentence is very true! 😉

  5. hey sulz…i’l have to agree with the scoundrel ….people change with time..u can either cling on to what they were…and still try and make things work out..and just move on…i’m known to try n cling on..cuz..i feel…guilty…thinkin abt all the good times n all…but at times…its just a lot easier to move on…accept the change…

    sulz: yeap, this is what have recently realised and trying to move on. 🙂

  6. Does it not depend
    on how you define friendship?
    on what you expect from your friends
    and what you are prepared to offer in return?

    Is friendship not judged relative to ones expectations?
    How high you set your standards, is your choice.
    Having high expectations is not a flaw
    as long as you maintain it yourself.

    If you have anyone,
    you really value as a friend,
    the question of “holding on” does not arise.
    You will never have the reason to “not hold on”.

    All others are just acquaintances,
    you should not be expecting anything of them,
    and again question of “holding on” does not arise
    in this case, you will never have the reason to ” hold on”.

    sulz: having high expectations in friendship cannot be maintained by one’s self unless they only want to be friends with themselves, isn’t it? 😉 though it’s true that it’s all relative – so what is not considered high expectations to one friend may be considered so to another friend.

    if the question of ‘holding on’ does not arise even when one is unhappy in a friendship, then he is not putting himself first. that is not good because the friend does not appreciate him and he does not appreciate himself to want the best out of a friendship.

    friends cannot just be categorised as ‘real’ friends and acquaintances. there are lots of degrees in a friendship, and perhaps this kind would fall in between friend and acquaintance. because the ‘real’ friend is the one where the question of ‘holding on’ would never arise, simply because you know the both of you appreciate the friendship and each other very much.

  7. Well, a friend of mine departed during Easter basically without warning; that pissed me and everyone related to him off. He talks to us barely now and when he does it’s more on the lines of “what are you doing?”, etc and not in the sort of joy you’d expect. So our relationship is kinda going down the drain.

    sulz: well, at least you weren’t the only one. it’s obviously his problem and nobody else’s.

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