Why don’t you try The Critic’s New Weight Loss Plans? It’s so hilarious am tempted to copy and paste the entire post here. Shall make do with teasing quotes instead.
After taking IntestiShine, let me tell you, there’s no more forcible action than cleansing your intestinal tract, several times a day.
By the third day, I was feeling a bit weary, my bottom was tender, and I had caught up on three months’ worth of People magazine back issues. Thank goodness for the fast-action IntestiShine Bottom Balm! But I could feel my body being cleansed, a blank slate on which to write my new self upon — all while perched atop my porcelain pedestal, violently crapping. According to its literature, IntestiShine works by reacting with the body’s liquids, foaming and then sweeping through the intestines. You really can feel those bubbles scrubbing, like a little army of fat, bald janitors, their tiny mustaches bristling as they nod hello… did I mention the hallucinations?
IntestiShine may be found wherever vitamins, diet aids and adult diapers are sold.
The “I’m in a Movie and This is Just a Fat Suit” Plan
For this method to work, ladies, you must be really fat to begin with. If you’re not sure if you’re fat enough, try holding up a pair of your biggest underpants. Are they hilarious? If you answered “yes,” then you’re totally fat enough, fatty.
Figuring out that you’re fat and in a movie are just the first steps to your amazing weight loss, though — the rest is all a matter of attitude. Be careful not to be too bitchy, loud, aggressive — you know, for a chick — or, God forbid, “sassy.” That kind of uppity stuff could land you in an Eddie Murphy movie, where you’ll never get to ditch the fat suit and you’ll get all the comedic abuse you deserve, chubcakes.
Better to tone it down. It’s a good idea to practice routines, such as Sighing Dejectedly At The Sight of Thin Happy Couples and Gazing Longingly at Tiny Bathing Suits in Store Windows.
Do this for 20 to 40 minutes or so, depending on the plot. (Hint: it’ll take less time if you’re in a flashback.)
Then, wait for the diet montage. You’ll know it’s happening when you hear the song “Suddenly I See.”