Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don’t quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won’t work – you have to face reality.
You are a leader in every sense of the word. You know where you are going and you know what you need to do in order to get there. You exercise an inherent initiative in overcoming obstacles and difficulties. You either hold, or wish to achieve, a position of authority by means of which full control can be exerted over events.
You are a very choosy person – demanding and exacting in your emotional demands and very particular in your choice of partner. You are self-sufficient and as a result of this overbearing nature you find it difficult to establish any depth of deep physical or mental involvement with members of the opposite sex.
Whatever has caused the situation, you just don’t seem to be able to sustain or maintain relationships as you would wish to. What you really seek is to be able to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can truly share: Love, Serenity, Peace and Quiet. But you are a very demanding person and it is your nature that leads to disquiet and discord: you are like the tide, flotsam and jetsam… One minute you experience ‘highs’ and a few moments later ‘lows’. This obviously will introduce discord into any relationship and with this demanding attitude – the ideal state you desire is unable to develop. Despite the urge to gratify your natural desires, you impose a considerable self-restraint on your instincts in the belief that this demonstrates your superiority and raises you above the common herd. You are extremely critical of everything that is presently going on around you and you find it difficult to listen to or to take advice from anyone. You enjoy the original, the ingenious and the subtle.
The need for admiration and to be regarded as ‘someone special’ is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this ‘complex’ by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play, or in the home. Stop trying so hard and you will find that people will like you for who you are – not for who you are pretending to be.
On the note of the last sentence, this musing is very true.
I think that in the end we are both lesser and greater than what we see in ourselves and what others see in us. Everywhere there are words I wish were mine; intellect I could only ever aspire to; beauty I covet; strength I envy. And perversely, the words, intellect, beauty, strength I do have – whatever their worth – I deprecate. Of course, the only logical outcome of this is that the more I try to fashion myself into the person in my head, the more I disappear. And so it happens that the words I have painstakingly crafted to reflect the person I think I should be are eventually the most stilted version of me I can imagine, and the words with which I am ultimately happiest are the ones in which I have forgotten to pretend.
I have said before that sleeping dogs should lie, and I still believe that you ought to have suffered in silence than to have given this knowledge to me. Was there a point in blurting out something like that? Something that has changed the dynamics of our friendship? Did it ease your conscience to have confessed to me something that I rather would not have known, even if I have the right to? I feel that you aren’t being responsible with your brain-mouth filter thing. I feel like you are actually playing mind games with me; you expect me to revel in the knowledge of your honesty and then also equally expect my forgiveness and for me to get over it. I am suffering, and I wish that I could honestly tell you how I feel. But I choose to let sleeping dogs lie, even if I am still bearing all the confusion and hurt you have caused. Thanks for nothing, my great, wonderful friend.