This month hasn’t been good for self at all. Had exams early this month, and what results that have been out so far have been very depressing because have not been able to get the As usually would’ve gotten due to the change in grade scheme. In previous semesters, an A is 75 marks and above, but from this semester onwards to get an A it’s 80 marks and above. Which means results for this semester and the next may look like am stupider than previous semesters, but it’s actually not because of the damn grade scheme change. So all the while have been thinking am pretty good in studies, but that’s obviously an illusion because it was easier to get an A before. So not only would seem stupider from this semester onwards, the GPA and CGPA would definitely slip as well because of the change, and dream of getting into Dean’s list will never be fulfilled. So what was A material in the past is no longer good enough now.
Had some problems with friends as well due to misunderstandings. It has been resolved now, but in that period felt quite upset because felt as if they don’t care for self. Obviously this is paranoia on self’s part as a result of being a horrible neurotic insecure by nature, but knowing that does not make you feel any better, does it? You would constantly struggle between your paranoia and your trying to reassure yourself that it just seems that way, it doesn’t necessarily mean that way. Yet when you have all the time in the world for them and they don’t due to reasons, the insecure side of you cannot help but feel rejected. Yes, yes, it’s nothing personal, but telling yourself that doesn’t work at all when you miss your friends and have not been in touch for a considerably long time in comparison to the days where you used to see them almost all your waking hours.
Feel so rejected. Am not good enough for school, am not good enough for friends.
You’re probably sick of all the self-pity displayed above, but it’s cathartic to put such things down in words. That’s self’s way of dealing with it, but you’re free to give self a friendly slap in the head and say come on sulz, get over yourself! Clearly am in need of a different perspective, seeing as have so much going for self, so much am blessed with yet am choosing to brood over things have no control of…
I have just cried my eyes out. I’m not done, actually, at the moment of typing this. I have been crying these past few days, to be honest. I feel so abandoned by my friends. I’m not sure if it has been resolved as I first thought. I wonder if this was because I was being too honest when speaking up during our disagreements. Before, I would always keep my dislikes to myself, thinking that it would go away (and I was also afraid to ruin the friendship), but instead it grew in my heart until I hated them. I thought if I am honest this time around, I won’t hold grudges. But now, it seems as if my honesty is causing them to hold a passive-aggressive grudge against me.
I am having some really personal problems, and I feel like I don’t have anyone to confide in. I feel like the people closest to me are not there for me when I need them most, whether by choice or circumstance I don’t know. And it hurts so much, because I think I have been there for them when they needed someone to listen. I have opened up to them during the good times, and I feel like my trust has been betrayed because they have not kept their promises, they are being fair-weathered friends who spew sweet, spurious promises only someone as naive and desperate for love and acceptance as me would fall for. And the very few times I nearly told them of my problems, they went on and on about their problems, never even bothered to ask me how I am, knowing that I am having personal problems.
I just wish they would tell me they care about me, that they hadn’t forgotten me, that they are thinking of me. Even if it means them scolding me for something I have done to have made them angry.