blogging gobbledygook and such

This month hasn’t been good for self at all. Had exams early this month, and what results that have been out so far have been very depressing because have not been able to get the As usually would’ve gotten due to the change in grade scheme. In previous semesters, an A is 75 marks and above, but from this semester onwards to get an A it’s 80 marks and above. Which means results for this semester and the next may look like am stupider than previous semesters, but it’s actually not because of the damn grade scheme change. So all the while have been thinking am pretty good in studies, but that’s obviously an illusion because it was easier to get an A before. So not only would seem stupider from this semester onwards, the GPA and CGPA would definitely slip as well because of the change, and dream of getting into Dean’s list will never be fulfilled. So what was A material in the past is no longer good enough now.

Had some problems with friends as well due to misunderstandings. It has been resolved now, but in that period felt quite upset because felt as if they don’t care for self. Obviously this is paranoia on self’s part as a result of being a horrible neurotic insecure by nature, but knowing that does not make you feel any better, does it? You would constantly struggle between your paranoia and your trying to reassure yourself that it just seems that way, it doesn’t necessarily mean that way. Yet when you have all the time in the world for them and they don’t due to reasons, the insecure side of you cannot help but feel rejected. Yes, yes, it’s nothing personal, but telling yourself that doesn’t work at all when you miss your friends and have not been in touch for a considerably long time in comparison to the days where you used to see them almost all your waking hours.

Feel so rejected. Am not good enough for school, am not good enough for friends.

*

You’re probably sick of all the self-pity displayed above, but it’s cathartic to put such things down in words. That’s self’s way of dealing with it, but you’re free to give self a friendly slap in the head and say come on sulz, get over yourself! Clearly am in need of a different perspective, seeing as have so much going for self, so much am blessed with yet am choosing to brood over things have no control of

*

Edit:

I have just cried my eyes out. I’m not done, actually, at the moment of typing this. I have been crying these past few days, to be honest. I feel so abandoned by my friends. I’m not sure if it has been resolved as I first thought. I wonder if this was because I was being too honest when speaking up during our disagreements. Before, I would always keep my dislikes to myself, thinking that it would go away (and I was also afraid to ruin the friendship), but instead it grew in my heart until I hated them. I thought if I am honest this time around, I won’t hold grudges. But now, it seems as if my honesty is causing them to hold a passive-aggressive grudge against me.

I am having some really personal problems, and I feel like I don’t have anyone to confide in. I feel like the people closest to me are not there for me when I need them most, whether by choice or circumstance I don’t know. And it hurts so much, because I think I have been there for them when they needed someone to listen. I have opened up to them during the good times, and I feel like my trust has been betrayed because they have not kept their promises, they are being fair-weathered friends who spew sweet, spurious promises only someone as naive and desperate for love and acceptance as me would fall for. And the very few times I nearly told them of my problems, they went on and on about their problems, never even bothered to ask me how I am, knowing that I am having personal problems.

I just wish they would tell me they care about me, that they hadn’t forgotten me, that they are thinking of me. Even if it means them scolding me for something I have done to have made them angry.

Comments on: "Why do you brood over things you have no control of?" (5)

  1. Everyone has some down times and sometimes they take longer to sort out.

    I do believe though that worrying about things you cannot change doesn’t get you anywhere. So when you start worrying, take a step back and clearly think if worrying will get you anywhere. Most of the time that answer is ‘No’.

    It works for me anyway. 🙂

    sulz: well, am hoping by putting it on blog will make self get over it, which should work… soon!

    thanks for your perspective. 🙂

  2. Re: Grades–You say you “look stupider” now, but it doesn’t mean you “are” stupider. Everyone in your system knows it changed. If anyone in your college thinks you are stupid(er) send them to this blog and we will set them straight!
    You said you’ll never get on Dean’s list now. You must have a tough Dean’s list. Where I come from, one must have “B’s”. How does it work there? And, here “B” means ABOVE AVERAGE, which you certainly are, sulz.
    Re: Friends–I’ve had some rocky times with some of mine lately, too. I wonder if something’s in the air? I’m just glad you worked things out. Sometimes they just need some space, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
    If they are busy, you still have us 🙂

    sulz: one can only be in the dean’s list if they have a gpa of 3.7 and above. if you have too many b’s and few a’s, there isn’t much hope for that!

    *hugs* thanks for kind words! 😀

  3. Aww come on Sulz (hugs and a slap on the head).

    Why, why in the hell are you judging yourself in terms of marks? It’s not everything in life and it’s definitely not something that should make you feel bad about yourself. You’ve not become stupider and you know that. I know it’s not easy but even through such times, you have laugh out at the little happy things that happen around you. That’s my way of dealing with life. I know my entire day can’t be good and so I enjoy as much as I can and cherish the small happy moments. It turns out I laugh more than I used to and even though people might think I’ve gone bonkers, I know I’ve become more stable. And you’re more mature than I am Sulz, you know so much more about life. Don’t let a series of stupid numbers get to your head, please!

    As far as friends are concerned, there’s no perfect friend in this world. Misunderstandings are inevitable. What you can do is that you should not feel guilty yourself. When you know you’ve not done anything wrong, feel good about it. You don’t need to go after that, they’ll come to you and say sorry as soon as they realize they’ve been wrong. And even if they don’t, as museditions said, we’re always there and we’re not leaving you here come what may.

    Now cheer up and I want a happy post next time! Something even more cheaper than male bra’s perhaps! 😀

    sulz: aww… ow! 😀

    seriously, am not as mature as you think… there’s a childish, petulant side of self, which must be the one revealed in this post!

    sigh… all of you are right, of course. sometimes need slaps from others even though can very well do it by self!

    can’t promise happy post, but can promise no more emo posts… for a while! 🙂

  4. Friendship is a lot like family; the give and take ratio is rarely even. Each gives what is within their personal comfort zone to offer. If you find that friendship too much of a diminishing return for yourself, maybe it is time to move on or distance yourself for a time being. There is an old saying: if you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they are yours, if they don’t come back – they were never yours to begin with. It is good advice. In fact if they don’t come back they were probably a user of your being. Don’t let your friends (or so-called friends, or amount of friends) be the director of the destination and definition your life. You cannot be what they want you to be and they cannot be what you think they ought to be. Instead let your friends be an element of your life that guides you.

    Being on the Dean’s list is not what makes an individual a great person. It looks good on a résumé but it does not mean you are less worthy than those with higher grades. If you are satisfied that you have given it your best effort then you have succeeded. If you are despondent because you felt you didn’t properly prepare yourself, it is a wake-up call. Like competing in an athletic event, you give it your best effort and that is all you can ask or expect of anyone. Intelligence does not guarantee success. I know very intelligent people that have trouble surviving in society. One particular (top of the class type) person I grew up with has trouble staying out of prison. Hard work and honesty is preferable in employees than a 4.00 on their résumé.

    Feeling sorry for yourself is human. Everyone does it at sometime or another, not all will admit it. My late mother had some good advice on that subject. Just remember no matter how bad life is kicking at you, there is always someone else less fortunate. And even though your troubles seem insurmountable, God will help you through it. And when life seems to really get you down maybe it is time to look for someone whom you can lend a helping hand. Maybe your assistance is something small or maybe it is something large, but it helps you feel better about yourself and makes you realize that if you can unselfishly offer up help to another human, not expecting anything in return (not even a thank you), you are important to that person; but it is up to you to make that commitment.

    In the city where I live there is a man that has been helping others on our holiday of Thanksgiving, that have become isolated from the holidays. He started it back in 1970 (?). An elderly lady was shopping at his grocery store and he struck up a conversation with her. He found out she was despondent because she no longer had anyone to share her holidays with. He decided to create a holiday event for her and others in a similar situation. That year he and eleven others gathered for a Thanksgiving feast with that lady. It was greatly appreciated. It was even more striking as it turned out to be her last holiday as she died before Christmas. But from that small act of kindness a larger human event has grown. Every year since, on Thanksgiving he has held a dinner for anyone that needed a place to celebrate the holiday. It grew so much he had to eventually move the event to a larger venue and find donors to help cover the cost. I do not even know the man; but other than some of my family members I cannot think of another individual I hold as much respect for. Let your gift to life be that which defines your existence and don’t worry if anyone else is noticing as long as you are filled by the treasures you have produced.

    sulz: wow, what a bargain for self to receive what should be a post as a comment from you! 😀 am going to let go this one friend of self, so let’s see if what you say and the saying said works. 😉 am of course prepared to lose the friendship because it has been mentally very tiring to self already.

    well, the dean’s list thing is just something would like to achieve. thought out of 6 semesters, had a good chance of getting into it at least once, but perhaps have not been working as hard as thought. or something.

    well, am definitely over the weepy moment, so no need to go out and be good! :mrgreen: haha, just kidding lah… why do you think am helping out at the wordpress.com forums? 😉

    wow, that’s a wonderful story! thanks for taking time to comment. 🙂 *hugs*

  5. […] other day was moaning about self’s slipping grades. What happened to a friend has put things in perspective now; […]

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