blogging gobbledygook and such

We’ve all done this at least once, falling for the wrong person. Am thinking again, though. What does it mean to fall for the wrong person? Does it mean that the person wasn’t right for us? What makes a person right or wrong for us?

Falling for the wrong person could mean falling for your professor when you are his student. Falling for the wrong person could mean being infatuated with a 18-year-old friend when you are 32 years old. Falling for the wrong person could mean being in love with a person, only for that person to leave you 3 years later. Falling for the wrong person could mean being attracted to a person with a notorious reputation for changing partners like he or she changes clothes.

Why are those the wrong people to fall for? Because as a student, it’s not right by the rules of the school to fall for your professor? Because as a 32-year-old, the society does not approve of you if you were to date someone 14 years younger? Because as someone who’s looking for a person to spend the rest of your life with, that person was the wrong one because he or she left you in the end? Because as someone who should know better, falling for someone who would most likely leave you in the end, so he or she is clearly wrong for you?

How sure are you that this person is not the right person? Who’s to say a professor is the wrong person to date, just because you’re a student? Forget the rules, think about the possibility. Who’s to say that a 14 year gap makes a bad relationship between two people? If the person you have been with for 3 years suddenly becomes ‘wrong’ because he or she left you, why were you with that person in the first place? Because there was that possibility that he or she could be the ‘right’ one, isn’t it? Who’s to say the notorious playboy or playgirl would not be a changed person after dating you? Unlikely, but the possibility is there, yes?

The point (think) am making is that we cannot know for sure if someone is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ based on their age, race, reputation, or personality. How can opposites attract then? How can some people find life partners with so much in common then?

Another point am making is that circumstances determine the outcome of a relationship, or the possibility of it. Someone you see yourself spending the rest of your life with at the moment, may not be how you feel the next day or year due to the circumstances. If a couple goes through many obstacles in their relationship and they are still together, it proves that they are committed enough to each other to withstand whatever comes their way; that is the outcome of the circumstances. If a couple breaks up after many disagreements, it proves that one or both are not committed enough to continue the relationship, due to a change in feelings or circumstances; that is the outcome.

Guess am saying there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ person. There is no The One. There’s just mutual commitment between two people who are determined to work at their relationship, no matter how ‘wrong’ or ‘mismatched’ they may seem to themselves or other people.

So don’t dismiss someone based on your stereotyped impression, prejudices, fears, whatever. Everyone is different, even if they may have similar traits. Anyone and everyone has the potential to be the… ‘right’ one – it’s the circumstances that helps you determine it. It’s like trying on clothes. You’re a size M in one store, but a size S or L in another store. You just have to try.

Hopefully, you would get it right. No – hopefully, circumstances will lead you to a fruitful relationship with someone.

*

Am still muddled and am not sure if have presented self’s points clearly. (Am not sure if am making sense here, either. Have thought so much about this post until got a headache!) Feel free to discuss or point out any flaws in the argument!

p.s. This argument am making is in the event that there is mutual attraction.

p.p.s. This article explains well about the importance of timing in a relationship.

Comments on: "Can you fall for the wrong person?" (12)

  1. Oh, sulz, you do provoke me. Because the content of your posts is so spicy I cannot resist responding. I occasionally miss one, but you do ask the darndest questions!
    OK, you will guess I’ll say there is no wrong person. Only experience. I think the idea that we find the perfect ONE for us in high school, and chastely date them for 3.2 years, and have a one-year engagement, and live happily ever after is a romantic cultural myth. In the past, many marriages were arranged for economic reasons, and romantic love was always with someone you were not in fact married too.
    But, you may be surprised when I also say that I don’t believe in “working” at a relationship. If it’s not fun, most of the time, why do I want to be there? I don’t even want to work at work, let alone on my relationship time! I just want to have fun. Do I think life is one big party? No, although it can be. I just want the overwhelming experience to be easy and effortless, and that’s when a relationship is “right”. How can I tell? If I laugh with a person every single day, it’s a pretty good indication.

    sulz: hmm, that’s fair. in self’s mind, working at a relationship doesn’t seem like a chore, but rather something you want to do (although there would be a few unpleasant bits). and personally believe that there could be one person that is more ‘right’ than the other, if you have the opportunity to be with more than one person in your life. but the possibility to be with someone who’s ‘right,’ or suitable is still there with anyone (with mutual attraction).

    but now that you mentioned it, would self’s argument be a case of ‘forcing’ to make it ‘right’? making something out of not much? that’s how successful arranged marriages work, right?

    don’t know if am asking spicy questions, but sometimes there are things that self come across and then in self’s mind a question pops! good blog fodder sometimes, but a mighty headache sometimes! πŸ˜›

  2. I kind of agree with what you say. You cannot judge somebody by their age and how the society perceives your relation because these things are relative and they change. You could be in love with a criminal and everybody will say you’re wrong but you actually might be able to make that person go on the right path in his life and he might turn out to be the best person you could ever get. These things are time dependent. So are age gaps. Biological reasons apart, there’s no logic that an age difference means that relations can’t go ahead properly or that they are wrong. It’s a mutual thing, if both the people are willing to make their part of the sacrifice, the relation can be as good as one between similar aged people.

    No relation you enter into is wrong to begin with. You enter into a relationship because you like certain things about them. So how can that be wrong? It can become wrong if the thing you liked in the person is overshadowed by the things you don’t like but that’s a thing of the future. You can’t decide it beforehand. You’ve got to give it a try to make it work. Because at the end of the day, nobody is perfect and even the best of people tend to break their relations because things weren’t going right. If Edison didn’t try his experiments with the bulb, the perfect thing would never have come into existence. I don’t believe in any such thing as right or wrong based on what others think.

    sulz: haha, love is like a science experiment, huh? πŸ˜‰ but your analogy is kind of spot-on – the point is that we have to give it a shot! now if only the potential person to try it with would come along sooner… πŸ˜›

    and yes, love can only be understood between the people who are in it. we’re often baffled by unlikely relationships between two people, like how a woman can fall in love with a man who’s murdered and is on death row, but well, must we understand it in order to accept it?

  3. Yeah, love is like a science experiment, pretty much yeah. Disasters are meant to happen but as they say, you don’t learn until you fall. Experience is necessary, you can’t expect to find the best person in the first try. That’s very rare.

    Well, ideally we shouldn’t understand relations to accept them but that’s what we do. It’s because we’re taught to be rational and make opinions about others without knowing everything about them. And then there’s some orthodox people trying to instigate us about how it’s right and wrong. Some years back, they used to kill Gays and Lesbians but that’s not the case now. They’d say that it was wrong then but things have changed now. There’s a lot more we need to change but that’s just one example. So yeah, even though we might not understand or accept it, the people who are in the relationship should be happy with the way it’s going. That’s what is important. People will keep saying things, that’s their job.

    sulz: yeap, live and let live! even if we don’t get it, we should respect it. hopefully the same treatment would be given to us if we are in a situation that most people cannot understand too. πŸ™‚

  4. Interesting article, Sulz. I have this simiilar dream over and over again that in my mind tells me I DID marry the right person.

    In my dreams, I often find myself in a world where I’m married to someone else. Usually a mutual acquaintance of ours in real life, or one of my ex-girlfriends from yester-year. At some point in these dreams I become aware of my real-life wife’s pressence, and immediately I get the “uh-oh” sensation. I start thinking about how head over heels in love with her (real life wife) I am and that I’ve got to find a way to break it to my fictional dream-wife that I’m supposed to be with another woman. Then I start worrying about whether my real wife (I never know she’s my “real wife” in my dream, mind you), might have already found herself a soulmate, but the attraction and bond between us is so intense that I’m convinced she’ll understand the moment I confide in her. Considering that’s fairly close to how our real story went as well, it gives me comfort. I knew the minute I saw her that she was the one for me. Real life love at first sight if you can believe that.

    sulz: it must be wonderful to know that you’re with the right person. πŸ™‚ hopefully would experience that same feeling in future!

    and what a wonderful dream too; it kind of affirms your real life actions then!

  5. i am a college student…i have had crushes, quite a few of ’em.they came they left…either it faded away in time or we moved away with our lives…but 2.5 years back i met a girl and i guess i have found the right the person yaa really we can just know when we find him/her…..

    sulz: well, am glad to hear you found that special someone. πŸ™‚

  6. Wow, where to start with this? I’m getting a sympathy headache just thinking about it. πŸ˜‰ Well, I’m like you in that I don’t think there is a wrong person for us… sometimes we might meet someone who isn’t a good match for us; their personality might clash or they might follow a path we don’t approve of, but we do gain experience from that. It prepares us for when we do meet someone special, hopefully to recognise them and know how to make the relationship work.

    That said, though, I think we’re conditioned to think about love in a certain way, and just because we think or are told someone is a good match for us doesn’t mean that they are (and vice versa). We have this preconceived idea of what our partner should be like; they have to look a certain way, be a certain height. If they don’t measure up to that standard, often we won’t consider them. Likewise society can place those standards in our mind, a taboo like age which really shouldn’t apply. I think it’s because we’re conditioned that way that we often make the wrong choices, fall for the wrong people; we’re looking at the wrong things, and once the early attraction wears off we find ourselves in a relationship that isn’t sustainable.

    I think you need a number of failed relationships to learn to recognise who is really compatible with you. And when you do, then a lot of the taboos fall away. Age doesn’t matter as much, nor other preconceptions; just the connection. That doesn’t mean that you don’t need to work at the relationship either, that everything will always be perfect… relationships evolve over time and if you think it’ll always be the same, you’re taking it for granted and that’s one way a good relationship can sour. Better to let it go than to let that happen.

    Of course I’m hardly an expert on any of this! But I like to think I’m not too bad at recognising who’s right and wrong for me… I’m still waiting for the right person, though. πŸ™‚

    sulz: yes, it’s all these myths and preconceived notions that’s clouding our personal judgments when it comes to assessing the romantic potential of someone. would be lying if say am not clouded by these same stereotypes perpetuated by society. hopefully should someone come along, would learn to cast them away.

    when it comes to the ‘right’ person, aren’t we all waiting? πŸ˜‰ (the single ones lah.)

  7. I too believe that it is possible to make a ‘wrong’ person ‘right’ by working at the relationship. But the desire (maturity?) to work at it should exist on both sides. I do believe in the right or wrong time however. The same person if we met them when we are ‘ready’ (or they are ‘ready’ could mean an entirely different relationship…

    sulz: exactly, that was what am trying to say! πŸ™‚

  8. One of the most memorable things my late father said to me was that it doesn’t as much matter which person you marry, as long as you yourself are ready to get married. In other words, if you haven’t worked things out as best you can and aren’t happy with who you are, nobody on earth will be right for you.

    sulz: hmm, what if you’re ready to get married but the person you’re marrying is not?

  9. Oh you do ask relevant questions sometimes. But I can’t go into that.

    I think wrong people and right people do exist, but only within the context of each other. I mean, it’s the dynamic relationship between the two parts that creates the whole…uh…relationship. If that dynamic is wrong, then it dies out, if it’s right, then it has a chance.

    Now dynamics, are…well…dynamic. Ever changing every shifting, and it’s complex when you’ve got two people on board. I was talking to someone about this recently, and it occurred to me that normally, there’s four people in a relationship, because each individual has their viewpoint on themselves and the other. The odds of these matching up are low, but that’s why communication is needed. I’ve got my needs, and you’ve got yours, but we’ve also each got perceptions of the needs, desires and problems of the other. So it can get complicated, especially if you don’t make time to be aware of your selves and the dynamic you’ve built/are building/might build..whatever.

    That doesn’t make any sense really. But yeah. I don’t think something can be wrong from the outside, but from the inside, that’s where everything comes from.

    Obviously pressures from outside can be the biggest obstacles, but they shouldn’t be. It’s about people.

    But yeah, complexicated, and I’m more confused now than when I started typing.

    Thanks for getting the old brain going again. I’d almost run out then.

    sulz: why can’t you go into how self ask relevant questions at times?

    yeap, dynamics… just like circumstances, and timing, have to be suitable. doesn’t have to be perfect, but suitable enough for sustainable relationships. not exactly very romantic, but we wouldn’t know if we can do better at that moment in time because you made your choice. so best to appreciate what you have!

    haha, complexicated… the plexiglass of complicatedness! πŸ˜›

    gosh, you just inspired another post! πŸ™‚

  10. haha…

    sorry for being damn perasan…but somehow i feel like this was directed at me. πŸ˜‰

    tough question to answer, but end of the day i believe we have to make the best with whomever we have.

    sulz: wah, you really the perasan lor; it’s not. πŸ˜› was blog surfing and read a blogger saying about how her friend has fallen for the wrong person due to his choice of occupation. which got self’s brain wheels turning.

    but, will give you credit lah, it is very coincidental to what you’ve just gone through, so perfectly understandable that you’ve drawn to your conclusion!

    most important, do you get what am trying to say? πŸ˜‰ (in the post, that is.)

  11. I do not believe that their is the “right” one. But I do believe their is the wrong one. I have seen too many girls that hooked up with the wrong one and then cannot seem to figure out that they are not going to change the wrong one into the right one. Some of them have ended up in the hospital and/or their children in the morgue.

    sulz: but shouldn’t there be a right one if there is a wrong one? the thing is, in your example, it’s more of a one-sided relationship where one is not cooperating, isn’t interested in investing in the relationship the way the other one is. in such situations, you can’t make it right because the feeling/commitment is not mutual.

    kind of understandable why people hang on to something that’s not there anymore, because the feelings invested have been embedded too deeply. but it’s time to reflect and let go in such cases…

  12. I agree with that it shouldn’t matter on who you fall in love with. If you should happen to fall in love once or twice in life I would consider you to be lucky. Lucky because sometimes when your first love annihilates you into oblivion, in most instances you tend to not want to fall in love all over in fear of getting hurt again.

    **Heres the spicy part** Hate to admit this because of the world we now live in. What if that person you’re falling for is your first cousin? And the attraction is mutual. We are both old enough to know the ins and outs of relationships (really we had our share). There was always this attraction between us, its unexplainable. Growing up we saw each other on occasions. We also have been apart for many years, and each time we meet it was the same feeling all over again. Now that were much older, knowing every relationship we’ve been thru wasn’t “the one”. Its getting harder to deny these feelings we have for each other.
    It feels as if we were meant to be, possibly two souls that follows each other thu many life times.

    I know, it sounds out there but it does happen. There are also stories in the Bible where they were ordered by God to be married. So is it really wrong? If you’re thinking about birth defects…yes, its possible but the percentage is truly small.
    Say everyone is against it, it won’t change how we feel, even if we both found spouses of our own just to hide what we truly feel. Remember its been years that we’ve been like this. I know a couple like that is frowned upon, but should we go thu with it?

    sulz: i guess the answer is something like the same as this situation. your love is your business; if you let other people be involved in it (through their opinions or well-meant intentions), you’d never be able to do what you want to do. if you can get beyond what people think, your happiness is yours to claim.

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