A continuation of this post, written mostly for cathartic purposes and in hopes of being able to let go of the past.
Alright, so had said that there were only 3 guys have ever liked in self’s life. For the record, this is self’s side of the story and would probably differ from their versions if we ever have the chance to ask them because this is the way self see it.
First, there was The Christian Boy. We met at a Christian camp (not that was a Christian, just went because friend had invited and was at that age where wanted to socialise a lot more than now). Was definitely slimmer than am now (though even back then had thought was a bit fat – the irony!) and apparently he was attracted to the way self looked. After camp, he contacted self and we started what was largely a relationship forged through the telephone. Was quite young when this happened, and though was granted more freedom by the parents than kids at that age are usually given, freedom was nonexistent the moment Em found out about the relationship when she heard self talking on the phone in the wee hours of the morning (used to have a telephone in self’s room).
Was immediately grounded because of that, and any requests to go out with friends after that was scrutinised carefully in case was lying and was actually planning rendezvous with Christian Boy (most of the time managed to meet him and friends anyway). The phone calls still continued long into the hours of the morning.
The thing self remember most about Christian Boy was that he was confident almost to the point of arrogance, and he was somewhat self-absorbed. That was fine with self because am attracted to confident guys despite the tinge of conceit in it, and was much in puppy love that hearing him talk about himself was pure joy to self then. That said, he was quite a tolerant guy because he tolerated a lot of self’s tantrums.
It ended because Christian Boy said that was distracting him from God (he was kind of pious, in the sense that think he believed that he should only consider Christian girls). The real truth would probably be because Em spoke to him on the phone one day, along with another relative who had no business in it. What they spoke about have no idea till today, but soon after that call he stopped calling for good.
The next is The Faceless Guy. Met him in an Internet chat room. We could have had something, if it weren’t for his confusion and if self had believed in virtual relationships. Well, something as far as virtual relationships can offer – he said that he had no intentions to exchange pictures or meet up; that was fine with self, but it just felt like virtual relationships were lame, it wasn’t real. Hah. For something not real, it did cause self a lot of heartache, or at least what heartache could experience at such a tender age.
Because had told him did not believe in virtual relationships, despite having feelings for him, he hooked up (online) with another girl. Not just another girl, but a junior in self’s school. It was kind of embarrassing lah, being stuck in a virtual love triangle; he still had feelings for self when he was in a relationship with the girl.
Perhaps due to our youthful years, and coupled with immaturity from both of us, there was a lot of unnecessary drama (he was quite the drama queen himself, apart from self’s typical tantrums). That said, felt like among the three, he was the one who actually understood self the most and cared most about self, in his own way.
In the end, he went to the UK to further his studies and have never heard from him till this day. The girl, well, we did speak about him, and ended up as casual friends for the rest of our secondary school years.
The last one was The Older Man. (Not that the other guys were younger than self, just that this one was significantly older.) Met him online as well, and apparently he was attracted to self before seeing self’s picture, and even more after seeing it. Things went really fast between us. Not that it bothered self, but that speed was probably the reason why things fizzled out really quickly too.
Now, all three have a way with words (otherwise how could self have fallen so hopelessly in puppy love?), but this one… he said it like he really meant it. And of course, the more earnest they are, the more fantastical things they say, and the more unlikely this will ever happen. Nevertheless, it appealed to the idealistic side of self, even though the pragmatic side was incredulous of the things he uttered sometimes. When you’re in puppy love, you are willing to overlook some things, you know…
Initially, he was very attentive. He made self feel so appreciated, so loved. He was a little self-absorbed, though not as much as Christian Boy. While he listened to what had to say about self’s day or what’s on self’s mind, he wasn’t exactly curious about self. Well, just his personality, suppose… Then, he was hit with some personal problems, and he told self that he wanted some time to himself while he solved them. And basically have never heard from him since then.
Admittedly, we weren’t very compatible to begin with. Our sense of humour couldn’t be more different than each other, as well as our opinions of certain things in life, which was the reason why we had had quite some misunderstandings. In the end, he didn’t have time for self due to his commitments, so… that’s that lah.
The thing that bugs self about these three guys is that we never really had closure. Don’t know for sure what’s Christian Boy’s real reason to stop calling self. Don’t know if Faceless Guy had any last words to say to self before he went to the UK, because had refused to speak to him. Don’t know if Older Man was using his commitments as an excuse because he’s fed up with self’s tantrums or because or some other unknown reason.
These are just condensed versions of what happened, but one might be able to discern that have a capricious temperament that brings out the worst in good guys and drive them away. Maybe that’s the case, or maybe that is not the case. Sometimes feel like have been too honest with them, to have shown them an ugly side of self, thinking they can take it. Maybe it was too early in the relationship to have done so. Whatever it is, this line had read while tag-surfing before is so incredibly apt and sums up how self feel:
if he can’t handle me at my worst
then he doesn’t deserve me at my best
Well, the new year is upon us all, and it’s time to let go of sad memories.