blogging gobbledygook and such

Unworthy

Do you know why she always tries to be a good girl?

Because if she doesn’t, she won’t be loved. If she screws up, she won’t be loved.

Okay, it’s stupid to say she won’t be loved just because of some mistake, however big. She knows, in her head, that people still love her and care for her.

It’s her heart that tells her otherwise. Her heart knows she isn’t loved for her mistakes.

Then when she is alone by herself in the room, she tells her that that is why she always trying to be a good girl. Because if she isn’t, she won’t be loved. That’s what her being nice and being good and being kind and being friendly is all about. A desperate, futile need to be loved.

Of course it’s stupid to feel that they don’t love her because they scolded her. Even she has scolded people out of love.

But there are other kinds of scolding. The kind that makes people fall out of love with her. The kind that, instead of being brushed away as another argument or as something that builds a relationship, it pushes them away from her.

That is what she is so scared of. That one day, without knowing, that scolding, that fight, is the one that’s driving people away.

It has happened before. So many times. Tested people’s patience, not realising she has went over a border, not knowing the border was so close.

And it hurts so bad. So fucking bad. To have thought that she found people who could really love her, only to realise that nobody will love her that much, that way, except herself.

The trouble is, she doesn’t feel worthy enough to love herself that way.

Because nobody else has found her worthy too.

Pointless worthless loveless

Point less worth less love less

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