I am feeling rather blue the past few days. It started as PMS, but it didn’t go away after my period was over.
I guess things in my life aren’t going as great as I expect them to be. Just only a few months ago, I felt so loved, so alive, so happy. I had people who I thought cared about me, and I thought that those friendships would continue to blossom now.
Instead, these people are so preoccupied with other people or themselves that I’m just a liability. I don’t know if it’s something I did wrong or if it’s just people moving on in life. If it’s the latter, I don’t get it. I truly don’t. Why do you have to leave people behind if you do move on in life? It’s not like you dumping an ex. It’s not like you’re not friends anymore. So why do you act like that? Why do you ignore me? Why do you act like we’ve never been that close, never shared secrets, never shared private jokes, never comforted each other like really close friends would?
The worse part is that, even though I resent you doing all this to me, I still miss you. I still miss the closeness, the bitching sessions, the gossip sessions, the secrets, the everything about you there is I had come to know.
I think there must be something wrong with me. All my friendships end up this way: broken. Some I knew why (my fault) and some I don’t (probably my fault too). That’s the only explanation I can come up with. Because I can’t be having the masochistic tendency of choosing assholes for close friends all the time, right?
I don’t really enjoy my classes anymore. Most of the lecturers are either absolutely anal, totally terrifying or downright dull. The only class I really enjoy right now is the ethics class because the lecturer is awesome – any lecturer who can make a 3-hour class NOT feel like 3 hours is astonishingly awesome.
Everyone in the class is fussing about their final year papers. Many have begun plans after graduation and talk very excitedly about them. It’s as if they can’t wait to graduate and get out of this fucking pathetic college and begin life. As if life in college is not real life. As if the friendships made here are just for convenience’s sake and not something to build to last a lifetime. As if there is nothing to miss in college because every, single, fucking, thing, to do with it is best forgotten like piles in your arse.
(I know just only a week ago I wrote about a wonderful college memory to preserve. I guess this shows that there is more than one perspective about my impending graduation.)
Writing all that, I have come to realise that sometimes happiness has to come from yourself. You can’t expect anyone to be the source of your happiness all the time because you would inevitably be disappointed then. And even if someone tells you how happy you have made him or her, you cannot expect to be equally made as happy by that person. And maybe that is why I get so easily frustrated. I need to be my own source of happiness, but at the moment I’m not very happy with myself for the way I expect happiness from sources other than myself, because I never knew I am that much of a needy and dependent person emotionally.