blogging gobbledygook and such

I am feeling rather blue the past few days. It started as PMS, but it didn’t go away after my period was over.

I guess things in my life aren’t going as great as I expect them to be. Just only a few months ago, I felt so loved, so alive, so happy. I had people who I thought cared about me, and I thought that those friendships would continue to blossom now.

Instead, these people are so preoccupied with other people or themselves that I’m just a liability. I don’t know if it’s something I did wrong or if it’s just people moving on in life. If it’s the latter, I don’t get it. I truly don’t. Why do you have to leave people behind if you do move on in life? It’s not like you dumping an ex. It’s not like you’re not friends anymore. So why do you act like that? Why do you ignore me? Why do you act like we’ve never been that close, never shared secrets, never shared private jokes, never comforted each other like really close friends would?

The worse part is that, even though I resent you doing all this to me, I still miss you. I still miss the closeness, the bitching sessions, the gossip sessions, the secrets, the everything about you there is I had come to know.

I think there must be something wrong with me. All my friendships end up this way: broken. Some I knew why (my fault) and some I don’t (probably my fault too). That’s the only explanation I can come up with. Because I can’t be having the masochistic tendency of choosing assholes for close friends all the time, right?

I don’t really enjoy my classes anymore. Most of the lecturers are either absolutely anal, totally terrifying or downright dull. The only class I really enjoy right now is the ethics class because the lecturer is awesome – any lecturer who can make a 3-hour class NOT feel like 3 hours is astonishingly awesome.

Everyone in the class is fussing about their final year papers. Many have begun plans after graduation and talk very excitedly about them. It’s as if they can’t wait to graduate and get out of this fucking pathetic college and begin life. As if life in college is not real life. As if the friendships made here are just for convenience’s sake and not something to build to last a lifetime. As if there is nothing to miss in college because every, single, fucking, thing, to do with it is best forgotten like piles in your arse.

(I know just only a week ago I wrote about a wonderful college memory to preserve. I guess this shows that there is more than one perspective about my impending graduation.)


Writing all that, I have come to realise that sometimes happiness has to come from yourself. You can’t expect anyone to be the source of your happiness all the time because you would inevitably be disappointed then. And even if someone tells you how happy you have made him or her, you cannot expect to be equally made as happy by that person. And maybe that is why I get so easily frustrated. I need to be my own source of happiness, but at the moment I’m not very happy with myself for the way I expect happiness from sources other than myself, because I never knew I am that much of a needy and dependent person emotionally.

Comments on: "The Worthlessness of Such Friendships" (14)

  1. Awww, sulz, sweetie, I’m sorry you’re feeling blue about all these separations taking place. I think that the state of these relationships is down to you—but not in a bad way. You have high expectations and ideals, and should stick by them. Sometimes college friendships are about convenience, but I know many people who cherish their college friends forever, so it can go either way.

    I’m kind of introverted as you say you are, and I’ve found that my most sustaining friendships are formed around interests I have in common with others. It’s easier for me to meet people when we share an interest in choral singing for example, so some of my closest friends are members of one of the choruses I sing in. Good friendships are also found through religious groups, if that interests you, or taking classes in art, or writing, or joining a philosophical society. Almost any interest has a group that supports it, so in the future, you might look there.

    In the meantime, it’s unkind for your friends to rush into their futures without assuring you that they want you in that future. It could be that once they settle down and stop being so hyper about graduation and jobs and things, they will want to catch up with you and realize how valuable you are.

    If they don’t, we blog buddies will just have to charter a plane to Malaysia and straighten them out! 😉

    sulz: i don’t know; if i have such high expectations of people i’ll always end up disappointed one way or another. wouldn’t it be better for myself and everyone else if i learn not to expect anything?

    but yes, i do need to expand my circle of friends; look for people to socialise with in places other than college and online. perhaps if i have more friends, i will not need to rely on present friends as much for company.

    i guess everyone is caught up with their plans at the moment. as for myself, i should show them that i appreciate their friendship because maybe they don’t think i do. that way i know i made an effort at the very least.

    thank you for your kind words. *hugs*

  2. lovelyloey said:

    You are right, sometimes happiness has to come from ourselves.
    When you refuse to let the world let you down, that’s when you’ve learnt to find happiness in yourself, to be a complete person who doesn’t rely on others. This might sound cold and harsh, but if people don’t treat you the way you deserve, then they don’t deserve to be treated nice by you. 😦

    sulz: so now is the difficult part. don’t know how to make myself happy. haha!

  3. thebeadden said:

    I’m guilty of letting go of old friendships over the years. To the point of people coming up to family members and asking what they did. I had no idea that it effected them that way. Most of them had married, had children and I had moved around quite a bit. Just lost contact.

    My interests in life changed over the years and I was finding it hard to find things in common with the people I used to hang around. It wasn’t fair for them, but as much as they wouldn’t want to talk about politics or other things I wanted to, I didn’t want to hear about dirty diapers or complaints about the in-laws.

    I miss those friendships. I’ve tried a little harder to keep in touch.

    One woman came into my life just when I truly needed someone. A stranger. She gave me the keys to her apartment only days after meeting her. (Not to live there but for a place to go and be alone) I couldn’t believe someone could be that trusting and that kind.

    To make a long story short, months later when I left she told me she had a feeling that she would never see me again, that I wouldn’t keep in touch. She handed me a gift bag. One of the things was a book called “Until Today” by Iyanla Vanzant, inside the cover she had written “Some people come into our lives and quickly go, some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same.”

    I thought I would keep in touch, I didn’t. I had told her that one day I would pay her back for her kindness and she asked me not to, to take the same chance with someone else as she did for me.

    I think people do come and go, and it is just what we need at that moment. We learn what we needed and go on to meet other people that we are meant to for our next lesson in life. Hopefully we can “pay it forward” in return or leave that imprint in their lives having helped them in some way as well.

    So maybe your “earth angel” is around the corner. I know she was mine.

    From reading your blog you seem like a wonderful and thoughtful person. I hope you’re feeling a better soon, until the here is a cyber (((((((hug)))))).

    Have a great day Sulz!

    sulz: thank you for sharing your story. your friend sounds so wonderful… i do realise that friends come and go, but i just don’t see why not, when i think of them as special to me. perhaps i’m not as special to them as they are to me… then in that case, i just have to move on in life. there will always be new friends to be made. 🙂

    thank you for your hug. *hugs* i’m still a little blue, but i know i will feel better soon. no point brooding too long over things i can’t control!

    hope you have a great day yourself! 🙂

  4. Sulz, I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling down. But I think it’s probably not unusual… you’re coming up on a huge change and you’d have to have that on your mind. Your friends must be feeling the same thing, though, so there’s really no excuse for them not making time… hopefully once things settle down they’ll realise how much they miss you and you’ll be able to talk again.

    If you’re really worried that it’s something you’ve done, I’d be amazed if it was. I mean, you show how considerate you are just by thinking that; are they wondering if they’ve hurt you? I doubt it. Unfortunately it’s just something that happens, we drift apart and often don’t even realise… I think there are some friends we’re meant to know all of our lives, and others for only a short time. It’s not how long we know them but how much we value our time with them that matters in the end, the memories we cherish.

    I know a little bit of what you’re going through. When I went to high school several of my best friends who I’d known since kindergarten dropped me like I didn’t exist. I was left starting a new school without knowing anyone and not knowing why my old friends didn’t want anything to do with me. For a long time I was angry at myself; I thought it had to be something I’d done and it just ate at me. But I know now that it wasn’t. We’d just grown apart and that doesn’t mean that what we’d shared wasn’t real, just that it does change with time. In the end it makes you stronger and more determined, even if it still hurts.

    You’re right, though, that in the end happiness has to come from within yourself. How can we make people happy or be with someone if we’re not content with ourselves first? But happiness is different for everyone… for me it’s finding peace, knowing who I am. I’d say if you want to be happier, you need to know what it is that really makes you happy, the thing that truly matters to you… if you can find it, hold on to it and never let it go.

    Feel better soon. You’re such a generous person, and a wonderful writer, not just blogger. You deserve every success in your life and I’m sure it will come after you graduate; if your friends don’t want to be a part of that, that’s their loss.

    sulz: oh god, your comment just made me cry because it was something they would’ve said to comfort me when we were still close. it just brought back those memories and i miss them so much… maybe i look considerate here, but they may not realise this is what i’m thinking. i never really approached them, asking why aren’t we close anymore? i thought if they have issues with me, they’d be honest and tell me about it. i thought we were close enough that i didn’t have to constantly seek validation of our friendship… and maybe because i didn’t ask that question, i just made us drift apart even more. i just get tired of being the one who constantly maintains the friendship, you know? and yet, by not doing that, i have probably lost it for good…

    thank you for your kind comment. *hugs* i don’t see myself as a writer, how wonderful it would be if i could be one…

  5. thebeadden said:

    I forgot to mention (my post already taking up all that space) but maybe you were the angel they needed at the time. They may be so overwhelmed with their life they aren’t realizing how they have hurt you. Maybe you could let them know that it is important to keep in touch, even if it is on a casual basis.

    In time (from my own experience) they will realize that they miss you. If you can, leave that door open.

    Your post has made me feel so guilty for all the friends I let go of and shouldn’t have. Maybe if I dust off my old phone book, they’ll be the forgive me.

    sulz: me, an angel? i think i learnt and was loved so much more by them than i have to them… which would explain why i miss them more. 🙂 and i do leave that door open; if i really used to like a friend, i’d never say no when they invite me for coffee out of the blue years later, even though a part of me is scolding myself, “look how they treated you over the years!”

    i hope you do manage to contact them; yesterday, an old classmate who i wasn’t very close to called me up and it was such a lovely surprise!

  6. thebeadden said:

    “be the” (sorry) I need spell check. 🙂

  7. Sulz: I can understand your concerns but in reality, if you really hold people to high standards, you will find that some ‘friends’ will fall by the wayside as you make your way through life. This happens for many reasons:

    As we get older and our lives get more complex, we realise the paucity of time and the shortness of life like we never realised before. So we start cutting out fluff from life, focusing on important things (that varies hugely from person to person, of course).

    If we are evolving – personally, professionally – and some of our friends are not, we find less and less to talk about, and talking about the weather is not that fascinating any more. Result – much less contact and then eventually the friendship falls by the wayside.

    In my case, barring two, all my friends live in other countries in other time zones. Preserving friendships has taken a lot of investment of time and effort and money (international phone calls, for instance). The distance ironically helps keep the friendships because we are not subject to mundane details of each other’s lives and interact at a level, which we sublimate and separate out for the duration of our interaction, then we go back to our mundane lives.

    So what am I trying to say? Well, you are young. Don’t take it personally. Don’t let it distract you. You may well find yourself doing this to other people as you advance through life. 🙂

    sulz: i get your point. maybe my friends realise that and i just haven’t yet. and i have let go of some friendships before. i guess i hold on too much to the past, which makes me reluctant to let go of my friendships. if they feel my time with them is up, then i shouldn’t waste my time with them either… but it’s a pity all the same. 🙂

  8. lovelyloey said:

    Well. Shopping makes me happy. 😀
    Or read some Shopaholic. She cracks me up.

    sulz: shopping makes me happy too, except that i don’t have money! 😦

  9. you know, this is probably not a good advice, but i frequently ‘spring clean’ my list of friends, and keep the ones that really matter most. i keep those i know who need me as much as i need them, and i treat them like bestest of buddies. 🙂

    hope all will work out for you.

    sulz: i think we all do what you call ‘spring cleaning,’ it’s just that i didn’t expect those friends to think of me as dust. 😦 but oh well, what can you do in that case? can’t force love or friendship, right?

  10. This happens ’cause we live in a very complicated world and it’s difficult to understand who is a friend and who is just sticking with you for their own benefits and stuff. It’s all about priorities in life basically I guess. You believe that it’s your kind of duty to be there for your friends but maybe your friends don’t feel like that. Every person has a different way of being friends. There could be someone who’ll be silent and won’t talk to you much right now and you will think that he/she doesn’t care but when a situation arises, that person might be the only one who comes forward and helps you.

    sulz: that is so true! sometimes it’s hard to know which are your true friends when the ones who act like they are can turn out not to be true friends, and the ones who don’t turn out to be are indeed real friemds… i guess that’s ‘cos we perceive true friends to act in a certain manner, but sometimes true friends don’t conform to what we see as true friends, but in time we will know.

  11. Sulz dear I do not know the answer but I do know that you express yourself brilliantly in the written word and obviously are a very reflective person. I found everything everyone wrote to be incredibly moving and would say to you that you are right…sometimes we do not know who our true friends are or even who would dearly like to be our friend.
    You said a girl you didn’t know too well, an old classmate contacted you and you were happy. You also mentioned the gossip, the bitching sessions that you miss. They sounds like intense relationships…whether they would stand the test of time is another matter. I say that because sometimes with those kinds of relationships we do not even see the others around us who may be the better friend..long term. WHEN i

    sulz: thank you. 😀 i guess talking about myself comes very easily since i’m self-absorbed that way. 😛 and yes, i can’t tell if my friendships will ever last, but i do really hope so to those which have been lasting so long already!

  12. I will try again!!!! when I went nursing at 17 I did not go with any people I knew from my group at school as they had stayed on until they went nursing but I was only allowed to stay at school until I was 16[ a lot of pleading to be allowed to get that far] so I had a year where all my friends were still school students and I started working until old enough to go nursing. I met a lot of other girls and guys who weren’t from my group of friends and it was interesting in that they knew me quite well from afar but we had never connected before as I was taken up by my group. These friends were genuine and were always there but I had not noticed them before, Then when I went nursing some other girls from school also were there and we bonded. So I think it is good to have fun with your group but also do not to forget to look around and see the ones who are not gossiping and bitching as they may be the stayers.

    sulz: i think i get what you’re saying. if there is a chance to get to know someone better, i hope i’d take that opportunity and not just focus on the current ‘it’ friends. the very few close friends whose friendship i am lucky to have for many years even after school, i definitely did not expect them to last. 🙂

  13. I always get upset when I hear you aren’t happy. I know where you’re coming from though. I know you may not want to hear this, but life will move on a great deal after school – at least it did for just about everyone I know. Sure their are exceptions to that rule, but for the most part people do fall out of touch and go their separate ways. What balances this out is that we are constantly meeting new folks to, for lack of a better phrase, take their places.

    In reading this, something that strikes me is that once we find your hopelessly romantic soul a proper soul mate, I think everything else will fall into place quite nicely. I may be mistaken, but I get the sense that you want to give yourself totally to those close with you, and perhaps expect the same from them. Most people will disappoint you in that regard. It’s hard for us “heart-on-sleeve” wearers as we invest real tangible emotion in our relationships. A lot of other people don’t and build friendships and “bonds” out of sheer convenience or association, which feels foreign to folks like us.

    Once we get that knight in shining armor to sweep you off your feet, I doubt you’ll care quite as much. It’s all about finding an outlet for those emotions that is properly receptive to them and both willing and able to return the favor.

    I hope that makes sense. Plus, c’mon – we’re your buddies! We’re the ones who carve out time from our busy days to stop over and check out what’s happening to our dear friend. And we aren’t going anywhere when your schooling is over! 😉

    sulz: you are such a big brother, kstafford! *hugs* 😀 you know, maybe you’re right. i think i just need to get myself a boyfriend! 😉 and i’m definitely glad that my online buddies will still be around long after my college ones have moved on in life! thank you for your sweet comment. 🙂

  14. […] Makes You Happy? In the previous post have realised the need to be self’s own source of happiness. A question in the comments got […]

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