blogging gobbledygook and such

A lot of relationships in my life failed for some reason or other. The article below, like many other similar relationship tips articles, shows the basic rules one should practise for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

7 Tips For Communication in Relationships

1. Share your opinions and feelings with one another without making the other individual feel foolish for what they are experiencing.
2. Verbalize your differences.
3. Listen!
4. Build trust and honesty.
5. Take matters seriously.
6. Stay positive.
7. Let things out.

Before I show you how I follow or break these rules, let me tell you a bit about myself. I am very afraid of confrontations. Which is precisely why I enjoy bitching; it allows me to vent my frustrations without causing a rift in the relationship. I also understand that by not discussing my feelings with the person I have problems with, it would cause a rift. But I don’t believe this is the case with me because most of the time, my anger goes away along with my frustrations once it is expressed. This is how I deal with problems with my friends, acquaintances, people I basically deal with frequently but not intimately.

However, this is not the case with my family or people I feel close to. I don’t feel scared to voice what I feel, because I feel secure enough in these relationships that whatever unpleasant things I have to say, it would not have a lasting, life-changing consequence. (I also feel more inclined to reveal what dissatisfactions I may have because I have to see, hear, talk to these people every day; it’s bound to come out anyway.) No matter how mean or wrong I was, I know that these people will love me and forgive me in time.

Do they, really? Is it fair that I should behave like that just because I think their love is less conditional than people who I am not as close to?

Let’s see how well I am practising the 7 communicative skills.

1. Share your opinions and feelings with one another without making the other individual feel foolish for what they are experiencing.
I have problems with this. I have no problems with people sharing their feelings with me, except the fact that I take things personally. As for my feelings, I usually end up feeling stupid when I share them. On some level, I believe my feelings are justified, but when I share how I feel it feels silly and trivial, like I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

2. Verbalize your differences.
Another problem with this. I can verbalise my differences, telling people how I feel about certain things (even though I feel stupid), and I think I rationalise them quite well. The problem is that these people don’t verbalise their differences, or if they do, they do it in a way that I don’t quite comprehend. Maybe I’m too dense or self-absorbed, but sometimes I cannot understand why people act or feel a certain way, because I relate their actions or reactions to my personal knowledge and experience, and it doesn’t fit. So when that happens, I feel like they’re just making excuses and the misunderstanding starts.

3. Listen!
I think I do this alright, but I don’t think people are listening to me well enough. The problem is that when I do want to talk, I don’t come right out and say it. I’d go all moody and grumpy until someone asks what’s wrong with me. To me, this is an indication that they are interested in hearing out my troubles, because there are people who choose not to ask me what’s wrong even though there’s clearly something bothering me. I give people the option of listening to me, so most of the time, they choose not to.

4. Build trust and honesty.
There are very few people I completely trust and can be honest to, even among my loved ones. If you discover the bad side of me, that’s when you know I trust you completely, because I feel secure enough to show you this part of me to know that you would accept me as I am or that I wouldn’t drive you away. Until you see this side, you don’t quite have my trust totally. As for me being honest, there are very few I can be honest to, because if I’m being really honest, I have a lot of critical things to say, which causes a lot of trouble in my relationships, so… I don’t think I want to be that honest, not anymore.

5. Take matters seriously.
This one I have a lot of problems with. The problem is that I take things way too seriously. If you have something negative to say about me, I take it so personally. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it. It feels like a personal attack, no matter how you try to tell me that you still like me despite this thing that bothers you. I’d be like, how can you like me anymore after what you told me about what you dislike about me? And then on the other end, when I tell people what they do bothers me, sometimes I get so scared that I am too honest that I’m going to drive the person away. This has happened before, so every time I get into an argument or serious discussion, I feel very insecure and will think that this is it, that person’s going to stop liking me.

6. Stay positive.
As I explained earlier, I get very insecure after every disagreement I have, so staying positive is something I always fail to do. Sometimes, I just feel like, how can things ever be the same between us again after what has been said, what has happened? Also, I always feel awkward after a discussion, and I don’t know how to get past that stage of awkwardness, which sometimes spirals into another argument.

7. Let things out.
I’ve said above that I can tell how I feel if I’m really close to the person. It takes a long time before I reach that level of trust, and when I do, another problem starts. I don’t quite know when to stop. I’d just voice out every little thing that gets to me, because I feel like I shouldn’t keep whatever bothers me inside, because if I do I might resent the person and cause us to drift apart. I think in this case, I should learn to pick my battles or issues.

Sigh, I’ve just learnt that I’m a lousy communicator!

Comments on: "Practising Good Communicative Skills is Tough" (4)

  1. of all the 7 ‘tips,’ i only have issues with the first. instead of making the *ahem* ‘other party’ feeling foolish, i always end up feelin’ stupid.

    OMGGGggggg! i want the ground to open up and swallow me right now, this very instant!! NOOWWWWW!!!

    sulz: so means you have much, much better communicative skills than i do. 😦 must be all the cda work that you do.

    aiyoh, if the ground swallows you up now, then how would you stand any chance with her?? relax… i know you really, really like her. i think she knows that too. πŸ™‚

  2. nah… haha… i can be a real prick many a times… just like that time (at the spur of the moment) when i said something really nasty and she was deeply offended by it. haiyah… women are so complicating creatures.

    sulz: but you like wor! :mrgreen:

  3. Urgh. Aragh. Mmmmph. Alright, Ms. sulz, I can’t help myself; I have to weigh in on this. I looked over the communication tips you are comparing yourself to, and looked at the article which spawned them. They are written by an Internet marketing expert. While there are a couple of OK things in there, I, personally wouldn’t take his advice. I, personally, however, am weird about relationships so keep that in mind if you choose to read further. In fact any advice I’m likely to give would be to use your best judgment, and rely on yourself. You do say you’re afraid of confrontations. I think we all are, but we express it differently. Some people get even more angry so they can feel powerful to mask their fear. I rarely get involved in confrontations or disagreements anymore, simply because they are not fun. I will (at times graciously) excuse myself from those situations and then take the time to sort myself out.
    That being said, though, here goes:

    #1 Share your opinions and feelings—so far, so good—without making the other individual feel foolish….OK, here’s where he loses me. I cannot MAKE another person feel foolish, or good, or any other way. I really don’t have that kind of power. People are responsible for their own feelings. However, it’s probably not helpful to say something like “I have these feelings because you’re an idiot!”

    #2 Verbalize your differences. — I ask, “Why?” Is it imperative that we have differences, which I assume means something like “things I don’t like about you”. I submit that it doesn’t have to be that way. For me, if I’m feeling differences, it’s a signal that I need some alone time to discover what it is they’re doing that triggers something in me. It isn’t really about THEM at all.

    #3 Listen. — OK, that’s a good one. But it’s also OK to ask someone to listen to you!

    #4 Build trust and honesty. — That one seems like a no-brainer, but, honestly (?) we can’t be trusted to know what our own thoughts and feelings really are, let alone share them with another, at least not completely. We are influenced by so many things, often from our past. All I can do is ask myself if I feel congruent within myself. If yes, very well, if no, than what would make me feel more aligned? If we maintain as much integrity as possible within ourselves, then we’ll naturally attract people that do the same. (Personal comment: you will insist you have a bad side. I don’t believe it!)

    #5 Take matters seriously. — There are two parts to this one. I think it’s excellent advice to take what a partner or friend says seriously, if they are talking about themselves. However what’s “wrong” with me is none of my business. (What’s “right” about me is also none of my business, but I like hearing about that better! πŸ™‚ )

    #6 Stay positive. — OK! “Relax!” “Don’t take it personally!” “Be happy!” — all these sorts of admonitions are wonderful in theory, but how do we really do that? We feel how we feel. Instead, I’d rather say to myself, “This is how I feel. What’s one thing I can do to feel a little better?” Then do that. And ask again.

    #7 Let things out. — Well I guess we’ve all heard it’s not a good idea to stuff our feelings. But going on and on about how much I hate the new WordPress Dashboard (I don’t, by the way, but it’s timely), for instance, just gets tedious, and keeps us IN the feelings instead of moving PAST them. I think the reason we do this is out of some need to justify feelings rather than just acknowledge them. Any feeling I have is OK, just because I’m having it!

    So, maybe you’ve learned that you’re a lousy communicator according to this article’s author’s criteria, but, who is he to judge you?

    #8 Oh, just thought I’d add one more of my own: Don’t listen to nosy, cranky blog friends who come here and butt into your business and lecture you! Do what you will! πŸ˜‰

    sulz: thanks for taking time to give your perspective. sounds like you could be an internet marketing expert too. πŸ˜‰ (i mean that in a good way!) i think your no. 7 is spot on. i often find myself doing that, not knowing how to move on. i could try to practise no. 6 too, having previously experienced before that keeping my mind off something that troubles me with something else does indeed make me feel better afterwards.

    i think even though according to this article, i’m kinda of a lousy communicator, which i may not necessarily be, at least all the time, i think this would help me to think twice and properly before i say something to someone.

  4. I would say that they are good communication tips, only hard to practice. 😦

    sulz: omg, so true!!! i’d never have known how hard it was until i analysed the way i communicate in accordance to those tips. but try i must!

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