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Change… Revealed

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I’ve just finished my last class for ever about a few hours ago.

We had a test (it was pretty easy, thankfully, because the I flunked the previous one), and the lecturer went through her lectures throughout the semester to help with our revision.

It felt like the end of any other semester.

Except that it’s not.

I will never, ever go for class again. And even if I did, it wouldn’t be with these friends, these lecturers. It wouldn’t be the same.

What I have learnt this semester:

1. Relationships are fleeting. If we do not take the effort to nurture it, it will die a natural death, replaced by other fleeting relationships.
2. I do not want to study for a Master’s degree, as I previously thought I wanted. I honestly do not know what I want, which is good in a way because I will be more open to virtually all opportunities.
3. Ethics are very important, but more importantly is that you are making informed decisions.

Frankly, I don’t think I learnt much, academic-wise. I learnt much more about myself and the friends around me. People I thought I would be friends for life, are now not even close to me anymore. People I never considered to be good friends, are showing potential to be lifelong friends. I don’t want to put my hopes up, like I did with some friends before, but I will do what I can to keep the friends I want to know for the rest of my life.

Right now, I feel sad, reluctant, resigned, bitter, angry. Not solely because I have just finished my last class for ever, but because of the personal problems I’ve previously mentioned.

I am unhappy in a friendship. So, I have decided to let her go. I’ve told her that I missed her company, to the point we’ve quarrelled a few times over it, but because she has a lot of commitments at the moment, she’s not emotionally available. The few times we were able to hang out, we couldn’t even have a normal conversation because she’s thinking about her work then as well. I find that I can’t be myself or say what I really think or feel because we’d just end up disagreeing.

I’m letting her go… but I haven’t exactly told her that. I think she will get the picture when I’ve stopped contacting her. I know it’s selfish of me to react this way, you probably think I’m being very self-centred and I wouldn’t say you’re wrong, but I cannot stay good friends with someone who I want to be emotionally there for me when I need support, but has too much commitments to invest in the friendship. I’ve said this before. To me, I think if you think a friendship means something important to you, you’d take the time and effort to spend quality time with your friend, even if you’re busy… I mean, you can’t be busy all the time, right?? And if you are, then you should know that your relationships will suffer in your pursuit of whatever is keeping you busy…

I just don’t see the point in being in a friendship that makes me feel negative. And I have a feeling, even when she realises why I’ve done what I did, she wouldn’t do anything about it. She’s just not that sort of person who’d make that much of an effort in a friendship; she’s the sort who’d go, if you think she’s not worth your time, then she’s not. She’d move on with her life, not bothering to think why exactly people think she’s not worth their time…

(Okay, I just made her sound like a total arsehole, but she’s not. She makes a wonderful casual friend, but not a good friend. If I could see her as just another friend, I could enjoy her company very much still. I guess what really just got to me was that this isn’t the first time she’s done this… and that made me feel stupid. You know – fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.)

So, in order for me to get over this falling out, and do something along the lines of my New Year’s resolution (I don’t think I’d be able to afford my tattoo with this now), I’ve decided to enrol for a foreign language summer course in July in a country overseas.

This is the biggest and most impulsive decision I’ve ever made. I don’t think that makes it a bad decision, though; the last most impulsive decision I made was to enter Form Six instead of college (I wanted to do journalism at this other college at first, but I went to Form Six on a whim because I didn’t want to work while waiting for that college enrolment, and I was tired of hearing Em whine about me staying at home, warming my arse doing nothing), and I would say that was the best decision I made, because I’m where I am today from there. I’m crossing my fingers this will be the same.

Going for this summer course is freaking me out because I’ve never been that far away from home before, and never that long. (The course is one month long.) The course is pretty cheap, and it would be good for my CV. It would only cost about RM2000 including the plane ticket, but I’m planning to save up RM4000 so I could spend for souvenirs and sightseeing. Besides my telemarketing job, I’m planning to take up another part-time job to save up quicker. I have a place in mind, but I’d only tell you if I get the job. If I’m unable to earn RM4000 by July, I’d take the money from the remainder of my study loan.

Why I’m going:
1. I want to learn how to be independent, to be able to take care of myself, because at the moment I can’t.
2. I have 4 other friends going, so I wouldn’t be entirely all alone, which is good, because I’m not independent, yet.
3. It’s cheap enough, and it’s a great opportunity to get an education and travel at the same time.
4. I would not be able to do something like this once I start working.
5. I would be able to go to this tourist attraction place, which I’d consider my reward at the end of the summer course.

Where am I going? Once I reach there, I will tell you. πŸ˜‰

p.s. lovelyloey, feels like I’m doing what you did a year ago. πŸ˜›

p.p.s. oh, did I mention that the place where I’m going to, I can’t even speak the language? I’m doomed… Hahaha.

Comments on: "Change… Revealed" (28)

  1. Wow, sulz! This is huge! First let me say that I’m sorry you feel sad about releasing a friendship. I know how that can be. I do think it’s most important for YOU to be happy, though, and if you are, you will attract friends who are also happy and supportive. I’m sure you can remain friendly with this person, just not, perhaps, “friends”.
    Your academic decisions are just stunning! It’s sounds as if you’ve really looked into your heart and found a way you can dramatically change your circumstances! As your friend, I’m very proud of you and your decision to take such a big leap. I know you haven’t done much foreign travel, but I see you as a very cosmopolitan, international sort of lady. Just look at all the people you attract on this blog from all over the place. Your travel and study will give you time to gain some perspective, and it’s sounds like great fun, as well!
    I knew I meant what I said yesterday, that you’re brave…I just didn’t know why (this time!)
    I’m all anticipation to find out where you’re going, but completely understand your desire to protect your privacy. Yay sulz! πŸ™‚

    sulz: it’s titanic! crossing seas and all. πŸ˜› yes, that’s what i want to do. i don’t want to be in a friendship that makes me feel unappreciated. right now, i’m just too angry at her, but maybe after the summer course, i could be cordial with her.

    definitely i have to do this, even if things with my friend didn’t turn sour. that was just the kick in my butt to get me going, which is not too bad now, looking from this perspective, yeah? πŸ˜‰

    once i’ve landed there, i will tell you where i am and what i’m doing. i will need lots of encouragement because i’d probably be extremely homesick even just sitting in the plane waiting to take off to my destination! that’s how pampered and sheltered i’ve been, and it’s time to be less that.

  2. Hi good on you for ditching that fair weather friend, there are a lot like that and the only way to know if they are so shallow is unfortunately what you say…when you do not arrange to see them anymore and they barely even notice… unless they want something. Sad but true that people do put themselves first but there are people like you who value their friendships so the trick is to keep these self centred types as acquaintances as you say…do not let it get much deeper and you won’t be disappointed.

    Good luck with the preparations for the study trip. I saw the protected post for the first time and was amazed how many times you photographed yourself and then were not happy with it. The thing is I think the camera being so close is unflattering to anyone and even Angelina Jolie would have trouble with that!!! My friend the bombshell is the same..stunning girl and really got something compelling when a little further away than the end of her arm. So, we need a new protected post with photos taken by an impartial other….then we can compare…or you could just come to Australia to study and we could see for ourselves…well you can’t blame a girl [minus 30 years] for trying can you? And you could pick up a few skirts and quilts and cushions and bags…do I have to go on and on and on?

    sulz: exactly. i don’t mind acquaintances like that, but my respect and loyalty and love can only be reserved for people who knows how to appreciate it and not take it for granted.

    thanks, i need loads of luck and cash! πŸ˜› actually, those pictures are more flattering than those taken by other people! and the ones showing angel and myself were taken by our friend, and those pictures were the only few out of the many we took that i found satisfactory. i guess i’m my own worst critic. πŸ˜›

    i’d love to go to australia some day. and now that i have clothes waiting for me there, i should save up after my summer course. πŸ˜€ you’re such a sweetheart, really *hugs*… your (future) daughter-in-law(s) will just adore you. πŸ˜‰

  3. Sorry I forgot to say thinking of you today as it was your last…do you have get togethers planned with friends?

    sulz: yes, we do – two actually. one on the last day of exams and another one a few days after, organised by one of our lecturers. so it’s not the last time we’ll see each other, so i’m excited about that! πŸ™‚

  4. Ahhh sulz so classses have come to an end and you are now going to travel and do a summer course. What a great idea that is.

    It’s sad to hear that you feel you must make a decision about your friend immediately and that the decision has to be a black and white in or out thing. Have you considered if there isn’t value to be found in choosing simply to be a casual friend?

    I’m asking because when I read your criteria for friendship it doesn’t seem to take into account the fact that we cannot always be there for every friend we have every time they need us — time and circumstances sometimes dictate otherwise. Time and circumstances do influence the structure of friendship sulz so I hope you have taken them into consideration.

    I believe the intensity that you seem to need when it comes to a friendship commitment will change after you have completed your education, traveled, become independent, landed a job, married a husband and have had children.

    As always I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do. I’m especially glad to hear that you are focused on becoming more independent. Go for it!

    Love ya always πŸ™‚

    sulz: i actually never wanted to do this, but now that i’ve decided to, i was wondering why didn’t i want to? i guess the money factor was what’s stopping me, and now i’m glad it’s not.

    i understand what you’re saying, and you have a point. i could stay casual friends with her, but right now it hurts a lot. maybe after the summer course i might call her up to say hi or something. she just wasn’t any other friend… i thought we could be close friends – perhaps even best friends – for life, and she seemed to feel the same way initially, until the job took over her life. i can’t blame her for having to earn her keep, and i don’t blame her that she’s putting her work and family her priorities. so i choose to invest my time and effort in things and people who can and want to be with me.

    thanks for dropping by – i suspect you haven’t been around lately because the colours here are killing your eyes! πŸ˜› *hugs* (i’m going to do something about that soon.)

  5. […] since my comment to your post turned out to be very long… I’ve decided to make it a blog post […]

  6. I wrote a comment but it turned out to be very long so I turned it into a post.

  7. thebeadden said:

    How exciting Sulz! I can’t wait to find out where it is that you are headed. And going with friends will make it even better! You’re a real go-getter aren’t you?

    I also wanted to tell you that, because of you and one of your posts, I did get in contact with an old school friend and we are hooking up this summer. So, thank you.

    You opened my eyes. I had really cut myself off from some people in my life. She is one of the few genuine, honest people I ever have met and wish I had never lost touch with.

    So thank you.

    sulz: i’m pretty excited myself, but not so much the part about working two part-time jobs for it… oh well, no pain, no gain, right? πŸ˜† i’m not, really! if it weren’t for the falling out of my friend, i’d be happily spending my holiday with friends and indulging in hobbies.

    i’m so glad to hear that! it’s okay that you lost touch, because you’re doing something about it now. i think the fact you’re trying shows how much you do appreciate the friendship.

    i hope you and your friend will have a great time when you meet up. blog about it. πŸ˜‰

  8. Well, great to hear you wanted to be independent. But yet, before you make the final decision, there is few question you need to ask yourself. If all the answer is yes, then you can go ahead.

    1. Do you think Rm4000 is enough for the whole journey? You need to keep an amount for emergency.

    2. Are you ready to stay outside? Are you ready to stay without your family? The environment is different, the people around you maybe different race, different skin color and so on.

    3. Are you ready to handle anything might happen like sickness, lossing yourself in a street and so on all by yourself? Dont count on your friend, they might in the same trouble as well.

    4. What did you get out of this? What is course about?

    5. Did your family know what is your plan? Do they support you? (well, at some point this is important even though you can make your own choice)

    I’m not trying to pour cool water on you,but this is real life and i think you need someone to tell you the truth of the real world. Is unforseen, unpredictable and cruel.
    I have been through all this moment before and i know is hard. You need to get ready for anything might happen and dont felt regret of your choice, because this is part of your memory in the future.

    as for your friendship, time will wash away your pain, so take it easy. Friends come and go, you will not only have him/her as you only friend.

    p/s: i’m lazy to do blogging but i like to read what people said.

    sulz: 1. well i do have some money left from my study loan which i could set aside as emergency.

    2. i’m not, but when will i ever be ready about this? that’s why i thought it’s a good opportunity to start now.

    3. i don’t know, and i don’t think so. but i think when i’m put in those situations, i will cope somehow. that doesn’t mean i won’t make mistakes, but at least mistakes will let me learn something too.

    4. the course is a foreign language course, with an internationally-recognised certificate. if there are positions which require the candidate to speak that language, i could apply for such jobs.

    5. they know what i’m doing, and they basically said i should do what i want to do, because i’m big enough. (well, i may be big enough in age, but i don’t know about maturity.)

    i know life can be hard and thank you for bringing up practical questions. πŸ™‚

  9. oh ya, forgot to congrat you free from the study life…when think of study, i rather work. hehe

    sulz: thanks. πŸ™‚ honestly, i’m sick of studying, but this course… i’m really looking forward to the reward i was talking about in my post, that’s why i’m willing to study one last time, heh. πŸ˜›

  10. hehe.. relax. take it easy. it’s not end of the world. and… and… what’s this??

    I am unhappy in a friendship. So, I have decided to let her go. I’ve told her that I missed her company… She makes a wonderful casual friend, but not a good friend. If I could see her as just another friend, I could enjoy her company very much still.

    ehh… friend only what. and as friends, i don’t think it’s right to demand anything… but if you’re both more than friends, then, it’s perhaps justified.

    and what summer course are you referring to?

    sulz: well, i think it’s natural to have expectations of your friends, especially the ones you hold close to your heart.

    i will let you know when i reach there. πŸ˜‰

  11. Hi Sulz,

    Well said, i think you are really a big girl now and you are ready to face your new world.

    I hope you enjoy your summer course. Beside of this, do take good care of your self.

    sulz: thanks! i hope i can walk my talk. πŸ™‚ i will try to take care of myself, but i don’t know if it’ll be good care, haha.

    how did you come across my blog?

  12. Hey sulz, congratulations for completing your college degree.

    And don’t be sad about friends and relationships, life is only beginning. There are surely more great relationships and friendships in store for you. This travel-cum-education trip with 4 friends seems like quite an adventurous idea! Have fun, girl!

    May God bless you!

    sulz: thanks! i know, but i guess i’m seeing what familiar to me rather than the unknown. but you’re right, there will be new people to meet and surely one of them i could have a meaningful friendship with. πŸ™‚

  13. i already been to wordpress and reading for quiet a while…since last year i think…

    well good luck to you sulz!

  14. forgot to tell you, i was attacted by your nick bloggerdygook from some other blogger’s blog.hehe

    sulz: wah, took you that long before you started commenting? am i that scary? πŸ˜‰

    i hope you’d come by more often then! πŸ™‚

  15. lol, is not about scary, is because sometime i lazy to comment. These 2 days, after read your blog, felt like sharing something with you, so here i am. What happening to you is already happen to me, so like seeing myself in you.

    The different is, i have a lot of limitation at that time to carry on my path, between dream and money, i have to choose money in order to survive.

    Now when i have the capability to do what i wish to do, i still cant make it because i have a lot of commitment especially to him.

    So enjoy and fully use all the opportunity you have right now! Dont miss it and you wont regret it.

    sulz: haha, you know i was just joking mar. πŸ˜› thanks for sharing, because it’s always good to hear from those who have experienced before.

    sad to hear that your can’t commit to your boyfriend due to current commitments. i hope you can find a way to work that out! πŸ™‚

    yes, i hope what i’ve decided is a good decision. if it’s not, it’s still experience.

  16. omg! sulz, you are so brave… I’ve always wanted to travel, and study abroad. my childhood was very sheltered…. but I am always too afraid to take chances, especially moving away from my family.

    I really hope this works for you cause it would be a good example for me to follow and learn how to spread my wings.

    I can’t wait to hear about where you are going!

    sulz: i’m not, i’m terrified! i just took the opportunity because friends are going, it’s not too expensive and it’s not that long. i don’t think i can die in one month’s time through gross neglect of my own welfare, haha! πŸ˜›

    if you have an opportunity to do something like me, do it! and yes, you’ll find out in july. πŸ˜‰

  17. lovelyloey said:

    Somewhere you don’t speak their language.
    Clearly an Asian country (e.g. Korea, Japan, Hongkong), or Eastern European.
    I wanted to go to summer school in Korea, but the courses offered weren’t fun so I dropped the idea. You’ll have fun there, don’t worry!
    (Besides, summer school students are much more sheltered than full-term exchange students :P)

    sulz: hehe, cannot european or african or south american countries meh? πŸ˜‰

    what kind of courses are offered for the korean summer school? i’m just learning a foreign language, so i think i can cope since i’ve studied it here already.

    so perfect for sheltered people like me. πŸ˜€

  18. Brilliant, Sulz! I’m very happy for you. I hope you have a brilliant time in the new country and get to see so much more. Btw, which country? You need to stop keeping us guessing. πŸ˜›

    sulz: thanks! πŸ˜€ i hope i won’t be scarred from my maiden voyage, haha. as in, bad experiences can ruin something you wanted to be good, you know?

    you ought to know by now i’m a big tease. πŸ˜‰

  19. Sorry to hear about this falling out. It’s good to hear that you’re being positive though.

    Congratulations on finishing Form Six! And good luck with this summer course! It sounds like quite an adventure… not sure I could do something like that… But I’m sure you’ll be just fine! πŸ™‚

    sulz: what else could i be? being negative is not the way, i’ve learnt that from her, in fact. πŸ™‚

    haha, i’ve not just finished form six, that was 3 years ago! i’ve just finished college and will attend my convocation in august!

    oh, i’m sure you could do it if you had an opportunity like that. you went to spain recently, what! πŸ˜‰

  20. lovelyloey said:

    Uh, I was always under the impression you learnt Spanish. So Spanish-speaking countries are out. And I *think* anything European and African will cost more that RM2000. πŸ˜›
    Well, I shall stop probing and wait till July and see! πŸ˜€
    (Orh, this means you got passport hor. Means can come Singapore hor. :D)

    sulz: haha, wrong language! but close. πŸ˜‰ yeah, wait and see.

    actually, i still don’t! i will have to though, soon. πŸ˜€

  21. Poor CJ can’t you just picture it.

    “Mother may I just have a minute with my wife, if that is all right with both of you, would’nt want to let my marriage get in the way of your friendship”.

    sulz: rotflol!! πŸ˜†

  22. Sorry Sulz, I got muddled because you mentioned Form Six in this post, and I know absolutely nothing about the Malaysian education system.

    Congratulations on finishing college as well, then! πŸ™‚

    sulz: no worries, totally understandable. πŸ˜‰ thanks!

  23. […] bloggerdygook blogging gobbledygook and such Skip to content AboutHandwritten Valentine Project « Change… Revealed […]

  24. lovelyloey said:

    I know for sure you have French and Portuguese in your bags … and what was it, Italian too? πŸ˜›
    Come over to Singapore!!! Great Singapore Sale June- July ish. πŸ˜€

    sulz: yes, but it’s not as impressive as that sounds!

    haha, where got money if i’m saving up for the summer course! you should come to malaysia. mega sale in june / july also, haha. are you guys competing with us or something! *coughkiasucough* :mrgreen:

  25. Congratulations for deciding on making this CHANGE! It is exactly the kind of think I want to do as soon as I graduate. I’ve always been interested in travelling and knowing about other cultures and stuff… but so far I’ve been unfortunate enough to have had to stay in my current city for my whole life, with small 1 week-at-the-time incursion in other close cities. Well, I’ll change that soon hopefully…

    But so far, I’m so jealous of you! HAHA Again… jeez Sulz…

    Go for it, whatever obstacle you find I’m sure you’ll be able to get through it. It will be worth it in the end, I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun and learn so much with this experience!

    And about the other thing…

    It always makes me sad to hear somebody make an all-or-nothing decision about a friend and decide for “nothing”… I’ve only had to do that once. Sometimes you HAVE to, but it’s still sad.

    Sorry I have not been commenting so often… I’ve read it all! But haven’t felt like talking much.

    Take care sulz!

    Uhh you have a new post, I’ll go read it now.

    sulz: thanks! i’ve never been out of the country before, and i haven’t even been that far away from my home when i travel to other states, either. this was totally unplanned, so perhaps an opportunity like this will come to you too then. πŸ˜‰ oh, you won’t be jealous when i whine about how hard i have to work to save up and how frustrating it is to not be able to blog whenever i want, as i used to when studying! πŸ˜€

    i know. i didn’t want to do it, but i didn’t want to stay in something that makes me unhappy too.

    don’t worry, i know you’re busy, doctor-to-be and all that. πŸ˜‰ just hope you won’t be too busy once you’re a real doctor!

  26. Sometimes I wish so hard that you could edit your comments… please ignore all the mistakes.. jeez.

    sulz: relax, it happens to the best of us! and i only noticed one typo. but actually i feel just like you after noticing my mistakes, haha.

  27. If the opportunity arises, I will take full advantage. I agree with Ish, no more guessing, you know how i get! πŸ™‚ but still, it is kind of fun to guess…. but not about something so drastic!

    never mind me, I’m hyped up on Jelly beans and milkshakes. talk about a sugar rush.

    sulz: haha, but it’s just a destination, how drastic is that! it’s a good way to exercise your deduction skills. πŸ˜‰

    sugar rush indeed, i can feel the sweetness in your comment! πŸ˜›

  28. lovelyloey said:

    Well, as much as retail is concerned, I think it’s more a cooperative. But having “summer sales”, we both attract more tourists to the region as a whole. Hardly any tourists make a trip to Singapore without going to Malaysia and vice versa.
    OK la OK la, I see if I got time and kaki we go over πŸ˜›

    sulz: that’s true. πŸ™‚ hehe, you won’t regret it. so cheap leh!

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