I’ve just finished my last class for ever about a few hours ago.
We had a test (it was pretty easy, thankfully, because the I flunked the previous one), and the lecturer went through her lectures throughout the semester to help with our revision.
It felt like the end of any other semester.
Except that it’s not.
I will never, ever go for class again. And even if I did, it wouldn’t be with these friends, these lecturers. It wouldn’t be the same.
What I have learnt this semester:
1. Relationships are fleeting. If we do not take the effort to nurture it, it will die a natural death, replaced by other fleeting relationships.
2. I do not want to study for a Master’s degree, as I previously thought I wanted. I honestly do not know what I want, which is good in a way because I will be more open to virtually all opportunities.
3. Ethics are very important, but more importantly is that you are making informed decisions.
Frankly, I don’t think I learnt much, academic-wise. I learnt much more about myself and the friends around me. People I thought I would be friends for life, are now not even close to me anymore. People I never considered to be good friends, are showing potential to be lifelong friends. I don’t want to put my hopes up, like I did with some friends before, but I will do what I can to keep the friends I want to know for the rest of my life.
Right now, I feel sad, reluctant, resigned, bitter, angry. Not solely because I have just finished my last class for ever, but because of the personal problems I’ve previously mentioned.
I am unhappy in a friendship. So, I have decided to let her go. I’ve told her that I missed her company, to the point we’ve quarrelled a few times over it, but because she has a lot of commitments at the moment, she’s not emotionally available. The few times we were able to hang out, we couldn’t even have a normal conversation because she’s thinking about her work then as well. I find that I can’t be myself or say what I really think or feel because we’d just end up disagreeing.
I’m letting her go… but I haven’t exactly told her that. I think she will get the picture when I’ve stopped contacting her. I know it’s selfish of me to react this way, you probably think I’m being very self-centred and I wouldn’t say you’re wrong, but I cannot stay good friends with someone who I want to be emotionally there for me when I need support, but has too much commitments to invest in the friendship. I’ve said this before. To me, I think if you think a friendship means something important to you, you’d take the time and effort to spend quality time with your friend, even if you’re busy… I mean, you can’t be busy all the time, right?? And if you are, then you should know that your relationships will suffer in your pursuit of whatever is keeping you busy…
I just don’t see the point in being in a friendship that makes me feel negative. And I have a feeling, even when she realises why I’ve done what I did, she wouldn’t do anything about it. She’s just not that sort of person who’d make that much of an effort in a friendship; she’s the sort who’d go, if you think she’s not worth your time, then she’s not. She’d move on with her life, not bothering to think why exactly people think she’s not worth their time…
(Okay, I just made her sound like a total arsehole, but she’s not. She makes a wonderful casual friend, but not a good friend. If I could see her as just another friend, I could enjoy her company very much still. I guess what really just got to me was that this isn’t the first time she’s done this… and that made me feel stupid. You know – fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.)
So, in order for me to get over this falling out, and do something along the lines of my New Year’s resolution (I don’t think I’d be able to afford my tattoo with this now), I’ve decided to enrol for a foreign language summer course in July in a country overseas.
This is the biggest and most impulsive decision I’ve ever made. I don’t think that makes it a bad decision, though; the last most impulsive decision I made was to enter Form Six instead of college (I wanted to do journalism at this other college at first, but I went to Form Six on a whim because I didn’t want to work while waiting for that college enrolment, and I was tired of hearing Em whine about me staying at home, warming my arse doing nothing), and I would say that was the best decision I made, because I’m where I am today from there. I’m crossing my fingers this will be the same.
Going for this summer course is freaking me out because I’ve never been that far away from home before, and never that long. (The course is one month long.) The course is pretty cheap, and it would be good for my CV. It would only cost about RM2000 including the plane ticket, but I’m planning to save up RM4000 so I could spend for souvenirs and sightseeing. Besides my telemarketing job, I’m planning to take up another part-time job to save up quicker. I have a place in mind, but I’d only tell you if I get the job. If I’m unable to earn RM4000 by July, I’d take the money from the remainder of my study loan.
Why I’m going:
1. I want to learn how to be independent, to be able to take care of myself, because at the moment I can’t.
2. I have 4 other friends going, so I wouldn’t be entirely all alone, which is good, because I’m not independent, yet.
3. It’s cheap enough, and it’s a great opportunity to get an education and travel at the same time.
4. I would not be able to do something like this once I start working.
5. I would be able to go to this tourist attraction place, which I’d consider my reward at the end of the summer course.
Where am I going? Once I reach there, I will tell you. 😉
p.s. lovelyloey, feels like I’m doing what you did a year ago. 😛
p.p.s. oh, did I mention that the place where I’m going to, I can’t even speak the language? I’m doomed… Hahaha.