blogging gobbledygook and such

11

She’s scared and worried. This trip, although it’s meant to be some sort of a journey of self-discovery and fun along the way, it’s also taking her to the next level of independence. She knows she isn’t going to die there (but will probably come back half-dead from malnourishment), but what she’s freaking out is the imagined rough times she may experience there.

She’s afraid she’s going to get travellers illnesses because she may not be eating well. She’s worried about bringing money there because the fucking debit card company is not solving her problem of creating an online account, so now she can’t bring one there. She doesn’t want to use a credit card because her family doesn’t believe in it, and neither does she. Anyway, knowing herself, she is probably not to be trusted with a credit card anyway. But how can she bring a substantial sum of money with her through the flight? And where will she keep the money once she’s there? She doesn’t know if she can withdraw money from an ATM since it’s overseas and she doesn’t want to risk bringing less than what she thinks she needs in case she really can’t withdraw money. (Also, it’ll probably cost like RM10 each time she withdraws money since it’s overseas.) Found another debit card company, applied for it, hoping that they can settle the application before she leaves, but still worrying about money until she has the card in her hands.

She’s also scared of living by herself. Her life has been a sheltered one. Even though she reads almost as much as she eats, she is just a town girl who’s hardly ever ventured out of the city. When she’s there, she’ll have to do what has always been done for her. If she’s in trouble, there’s no M or D there to bail her out. The friends she’s going with on this course? To be honest, she does not trust them. Not trust in the basic sense – they are definitely not going to let her die or steal her money or leave her on her own. She doesn’t trust them to care about her, the way Angel might or a few friends who come to mind might, because they’ve got their buddies who will watch out for their backs. Or they’re so self-sufficient they won’t bother about anybody else, thinking that everybody’s welfare is their own business. Which is true, she should’ve known how to take care of herself. But she doesn’t.

She’s afraid of being by herself. She knows she’s going to be horribly homesick, the second she leaves for the airport. She’s afraid of being alone, and yet she needs her alone time. She needs a space for herself when she wants to cry or write in her journal. She’s afraid of being in conflict with her friends, because her insecurities make her try to take charge, because by taking charge and planning what to do and telling people what they should do, she will have the control she wants and knowing what to expect.

She’s so used to routine, and she likes knowing what to expect. That’s why she’s so fucking scared of everything about this trip.

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Please don’t respond to this in any way. I just need to get it off my chest. And I also need to get over myself and grow up. Which means I shouldn’t be hearing comfort words because what I’ve just done is basically whining and pitying myself. I have been given an opportunity that many of my friends would love to have and instead of appreciating it the way I should, I am being a coward. This is just another phase in learning to be independent, I guess.

Comments on: "Independence Has No Room For Insecurity" (1)

  1. […] It’s not like I didn’t expect it. That was one of my fears coming here, isn’t it? I must remember that I mean nothing to them and they mean nothing to […]

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