blogging gobbledygook and such

Inadequate

Problems. Troubles. Everybody in my life is having them, making my own pale in insignificance.

A friend’s decision to get married is opposed by every party involved and not involved. I must admit I stood in the opposition once, I was probably the most skeptical of her decision. The past few weeks, we spoke a lot through IM, and the more I hear about her relationship, the more I know she is steadfast in her decision, and I trust that her soon-to-be husband feels the same way. She isn’t stupid from being in love, and I believe that despite her having chosen a difficult path in life, she can achieve her goals because she’s determined and so is he. I just wish that people could be more supportive of them; I can see why people think it’s a bad decision, but it’s not their decision to make. If they think she’s making a mistake, then it is hers to make, isn’t it? If they do think what she’s doing will end up in failure, then shouldn’t they be there for her all the more, to help her pick up the pieces if it comes true as they predict? Even if she proves their predictions true, they have failed in their roles as people who supposedly care for her, who supposedly love her because they have not given her a chance.

Another friend has lost a loved one. The person departed means a lot to my friend; this is probably his worst fear coming true. I don’t know what he is going through now, and I can’t imagine the grief and longing he must be feeling from losing someone he loves so much. And he probably has to put up a strong front for the rest of his family, him being the head of his family. How can one appear strong when one has lost a person you love more than life itself, a person who inspires and motivates you, I have no idea.

What’s my problem?

Sigh, it’s so stupid in comparison. I am scared of Macau. I am missing someone terribly. People in my life need help, but I cannot help them, I am incapable.

You may think I am very open with my thoughts and feelings in my blog, but you don’t know how much I keep hidden. If I were to reveal what really troubles my heart, I would drive you away from the negativity and hopelessness. When friends come to me, it is for me to listen to their woes. And rightly so, because my troubles are really quite petty in comparison. They need to release their frustrations more than I do, and if my listening helps, I will listen.

I used to have someone who would listen when I need to speak. But I have lost that person for good, and it is not easy to find someone who you want you tell your troubles to. Not just any willing ears, but someone I feel I can trust not to take my little troubles like the little troubles they really are.

I feel so sad for my friends and myself. We all need help, but not just any offer of it. One needs support. One needs to let go. One needs to pick up the pieces and move on. We all need love, patience, understanding, kindness, encouragement, loyalty. I cry when I think of what my friends are going through. Not just because of what I imagine they must be going through, but because I know for all the sadness I feel for them, I cannot truly understand the pain they feel and the burden they carry in their weary hearts. And that is the saddest thing of all – knowing whatever you have to offer, it is ultimately not enough.

Comments on: "Inadequate" (9)

  1. Hey, sulz. I’m glad you allowed comments on this. I know how helpless we can feel when our friends are going through difficult times. I think it’s important to get ourselves taken care of too, though, and I’m really sorry you don’t feel you have a “live” person right now you can really trust. I know you will find such a person, but that doesn’t help now. You are indeed very open on your blog, but of course you’re not about to post every little detail about your life on here. It seems there are some that try to do that, but, really, blog posts, even the personal ones are small “slices of life”. We put a lot of slices together over time to try get to know the whole orange that is sulz, but we still can’t have the complete picture of who you are.
    I was impressed with what you wrote about your friend who is getting married. You say that her family doesn’t approve, but should be supportive anyway if they love her. And then you go on to make the point that even if all their predictions come true, and it turns out to be a bad decision on her part, they still should be supportive and help her pick up the pieces! Very wise, and not a point of view one often hears. So many times we hear of families saying something like: “We warned you. So, now you can’t come crawling back to us!”, when that’s when they may need support the most!
    I’m sorry about your friend who lost his loved one, too. I was really sad to read about that as well. I think it will be a deep hurt that will take some time.
    As for Macau, I surely understand your trepidation. I was really scared when I moved to Hawaii, at first, too. You are extremely brave to be doing this in spite of the fear. I can only say I think it will be better once you get there, and I’m glad you’ll have some familiar faces around you, even if they are not your favorite people. It will help.
    Your friends are lucky to have you, and even though it may not seem like much, I know, from having been in grief, too, that having someone really care is a great comfort.
    Keep talking to us right up until you board the plane; perhaps we can help you a bit. 🙂 *HUGS*

    sulz: i guess we can’t ever truly have all the slices that make up a person save the person him or herself or god / higher being, huh? 🙂 yeah, that’s true…

    i can understand the typical family reaction of ‘i told you so’… they are upset that their advice was not taken, and do not want to help their children to fix the mess they warn them not to go into. i think that they should swallow their pride and help their kids because if their kids do come to them for help, it involves swallowing their pride too, knowing that they made a mistake their parents warned them about… i hope i can do the same with my friends and family.

    you’re right, i should be more appreciative of those friends. not the people i wish could be with me, but better than total strangers!

    i don’t feel like i’m helping. i just feel really bad that they can’t get the relief / comfort / support / help they need.

    of course i will put my experience to paper, from the moment i leave for the airport right until i come back home! 🙂 it will be as much for you as it is for me. *hugs*

  2. lovelyloey said:

    Like you mentioned, you feel the pain of knowing what you have to offer is not ultimately enough. Perhaps her family feels the same way in objecting; that it’s their best possible advice for her to make her rethink seriously about her decision, and “advice” in itself mostly always come from concern and not malice. But obviously, to her it’s inappropriate, and not what she needs to hear.

    I myself am always torn when my friends face problems – because I know they are not like me in the sense of being able to make decisions quickly. I feel their dilemma, and I tend to not pressure them into making those decisions because it’s theirs to handle and live with. All I can do is to be there and listen to them, let them talk it out and hopefully in talking it out they can figure out something themselves.

    I know you feel worried about Macau; as much as it will be growing up experience, you’d have to face the challenges with gust. I’m sure you can do it. Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. (like visiting the dentist.) 🙂

    Alas I’m not going to bring my laptop with me on my trip; but I’ll try to locate an internet cafe and log in to see what you have to say 🙂

    sulz: definitely everybody who objects is doing out of concern for her, she knows that too. she has just made her mind up and cannot turn back on her decision, which is why she seeks their support. they should have made their objections clearer before she made her decision, but that didn’t happen, so… *sigh*

    yeah, i believe in that saying. i just feel like i’m going to die there somehow, haha. not die literally, but some part of me will be gone perhaps… i guess that’s what growing up is all about!

    you’ll only be gone for a week, right? plenty for you to read before then. 😉 don’t forget to give me your guest post! hehe. 🙂

  3. Everyone has problems in their life, and we can only do as much as we can to help them. It might not be enough. It will not be enough actually but it would still be something. I think that when you sit and listen to someone explaining their sadness, that is a lot too. At least you make them feel that you’re involved and you are there for them. As they always say, when you share, happiness is doubled, and sadness is halved.

    About marriage, well, that always tends to get tough because when you marry, it’s not only you involved, family is too. And that’s where problems come up. If you’re going for someone out of your own religion or stuff like that, people start opposing without really thinking about how you two feel. I guess people should try to understand but mostly they wouldn’t. Can’t do much about that. It’s nice that you talked to her and are now supporting her.

    sulz: if only listening is enough. 🙂 but if that’s what i can do, then i would do it gladly.

    yeah, marriage has always been a cause of many family disagreements and it’s sad… parents want the best for their children, and sometimes children are torn between wanting to honour their parents’ wishes and wanting to honour their own. i think at the end of the day, this is your life and you should make the decision. if the marriage fails, it will hurt but at least you didn’t allow other people to dictate your life. if you do, then you may wonder what if?

  4. Now this is a Sulz I like!! I am a great admirer of your non fluff posts and feel that this is the real you. Sorry too that you feel you have lost the someone you felt you could tell your troubles to. Think about this though, perhaps there are different people for different troubles….not just one. Everyone’s life experiences are different therefore one person may not be able to be your confidant or “sharer of all things”

    I have a slightly different take on sharing problems as well…when I share I often feel that it is a problem doubled not halved…might be because I try to be an encourager but more likely past experience has taught me that there are some things that people just do not want to hear…they are too confronting and it is unfair to expect that anyone would “get it”. They are usually the friend’s whose “problems” are so trivial as to be ludicrous in the overall scheme of things.Like their child not getting the right mark at school etc.

    I think that your experience in Macau may well help you to realise that you can do things without a support system and that you will also learn new skills in relating to people who are not friends as such that will be invaluble in the workforce.

    sulz: thank you! i sometimes feel apprehensive about publishing not-so-positive posts like this because i know some readers don’t like it, which is perfectly understandable. i get what you mean about different people for different troubles, but i don’t know… i think i’m the sort of person who likes to put all her eggs in one basket, whether it fits or not, you know? 🙂 maybe i should rethink my perspective on that.

    i think i know what you mean about that, which is why i don’t just tell anybody who’s willing to hear about things that trouble me. some people may not get it, and though they mean well, their response would probably make me feel bad because they tell me i shouldn’t!

    i expect that i will change from my macau experience, but i hope it’s for the better! and if anything, my trip would be a great topic discussion in any interview! 🙂

  5. I agree with Magik Quilter. I always see you apologizing for writing personal posts, but these are the ones I like the most. Maybe it is because I feel guilty about my own personal posts and when I see somebody doing the same I feel less guilty… I don’t know, probably some selfish reason like that.

    I don’t think any of your problems are less important. It is not the issue itself but how it affect us. Right now the biggest thing in your life is your trip. Of course you are scared… this is huge! Maybe people do die and people get married, and people get illnesses…

    But this is your life and this is huge for yourself.

    *hugs*

    I can’t wait to see how your posts will be after you come back!

    sulz: okay, it’s good to know people like me even when i’m feeling depressed, haha! 😛 well, i’m quite a selfish person myself, so doesn’t really matter if you like it for selfish reasons since i get that, heh.

    hmm, that does put things into perspective much better, thank you. *hugs back* i wonder how different would i be after i come back. i hope not too much!

  6. Jelly Bean said:

    Hey Sulz, I liked this post and I agree with museditions that you are very wise in your advice about the marriage thing. It’s been difficult but hopefully things will get better. I’m getting tired of entertaining total strangers commenting on my blog about it though. It’s getting irksome and annoying because these people have no right at all to speak about it as they know nothing about me or my position. One punk kid even tried to counsel me by writing in pure sms language! Imagine that! Anyway, I just want you to know that I appreciate all the help you’ve given me and all the advice you’ve shared with me. I think it makes sense what you said about how we can’t have it all… I’ll just appreciate what I have now…

    I hope that you will be able to talk to me too if you have any problems to share. I wouldn’t mind lending an ear. I’m also sorry to hear about your other friends who are having problems…

    I hope that you’ll enjoy Macau! 😀

    sulz: thanks! i know, i thought the one who said he wouldn’t read your blog anymore because of your decision was totally hilarious and bizarre! i’ll keep your offer in mind. 🙂

    i’m sure i will enjoy macau! how much, that i’m not sure, heh.

  7. Sulz, I understand when you say that how it feels like when you are incapable to help your friends in trouble. Or to be precise you are incapable of doing anything for the situation. I know the feeling, and I understand. But I must tell you that you are underestimating the support you have provided your friends. Right now you yearn for someone whom you can trust to share your problems. Imagine if your friends too had to yearn to talk about their problems to someone. Its a BIG DEAL to get support from a friend about your marriage in face of opposition from every quarter. Recently I was going through troubled waters, and I was not getting the kind of encouragement I wanted from my friend. It made matters worse that he would not listen to me properly. I didn’t expect or want him to solve my problems. I only wanted that he would listen and encourage. When that didn’t happen, I was raging like bull, refusing to talk to him.

    So, to cut the long story short, your friends are so lucky to have such a good listener and supporter in you. I really wish you get your own good listener back so that you can share your problems too.

    sulz: you too, huh? hmm, to be honest, i like to listen, yes, but i think it’s simply because of my nosy nature. 😛 that said, i am sincere when i listen to my friends if they want a sympathetic ear. you should tell your friend how it felt when he wasn’t supporting you during that time. i know sometimes people can be so caught up with themselves that they don’t realise they are needed by their friends. but i also know people who call their friends up, supposedly just to say hi and ask how are they, but instead launch into a one-sided conversation about their own lives!

    yeah, my friends are lucky that i’m insufferably nosy. 😀 in a good way, of course! thanks for your kind words. 🙂

  8. You can only do what you are capable of doing and what they are willing to let you do for them. It is that simple.

    Marriages are personal and should be left to those getting married unless advice has been sought by one of the individuals. It must succeed or fail from their own actions and often interjecting ones self into the fray (even when asked) will be looked upon as inteference.

    When someone close to an individual does there is not much one can do but offer condolences and assist with the mundane daily acts of life. When you lose someone that is truly close, your mind gets screwed-up. You may or may not notice who was around you at the time. The best you can do is let them know you are there and offer any help you have available. Make yourself available without being pushy before and afterwards. Do not press for details, if they want to share they will. If you press them they may take it the wrong way. Dealing with the death or long-term illness of loved ones is one of the most difficult trauma anyone can get involved in.

    sulz: thank you for your comment. it is always very apt and rational. 🙂 my married friend actually wanted people in her life to be involved in her marriage, because she know she’s young and they appreciate adult advice but she didn’t expect such objections after initially receiving support from the very same people. as for my friend who lost his loved one… i know he’s hurting inside, but it also hurts those who know he does in a way, because i think he is keeping it all inside. i can’t help in any way in that case, but i wish i could.

  9. Sorry to be late commenting.

    Very wise words there on the marriage issue, sulz. Marriage is a big event, and friends and family should be supportive, especially if they think it’s going to go wrong.

    Losing a loved one is always painful, and it can be difficult knowing how best to behave around a person who has lost a loved one. You want to help, but don’t know how best to. I hate feeling helpless when friends are hurt.

    I know it can be scary going somewhere unfamiliar, but I’m sure you’ll be fine once you’re there. Good luck, and have fun. 🙂

    sulz: hey, no worries. i always say better late than never! 🙂

    well, i think people react the opposite usually, and that’s very understandable. if you don’t believe in something, you tend to speak up about it and refuse to have anything to do with it. but the marriage story is much more complicated than i’ve told here (it’s a real *dramatic* love life, pardon my teasing 😉 ), but in a nutshell i feel the people who cared for her should support her because she’s made her mind up, and they are having major financial problems as it is. she’s married now! 🙂

    exactly. it hurts more (from my perspective, not in comparison to his) when your friend won’t allow you to be there for him or her. s/he shuts you off to grieve alone… i know he’s much too anguished with his loss to care about this aspect, but well, it still hurts anyway.

    yeah, i’m hoping my friends won’t let me down. i need their help for sure, through good or bad times in macau.

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