I believe in karma. I am also generally lucky in certain aspects of my life, like education. I feel very lucky to have studied a course I enjoyed for the most part and was quite good at it. I could be better if I didn’t fool around so much, but I needed that fooling about bit because that made my college years so memorable and the best part of my life. And because of that, I never felt envious of others who are studying overseas, or seemingly better courses than mine. What I had wasn’t the best, but it was what I want.
But there were times I felt jealous, because someone had something I wanted. I don’t feel jealous about material possessions… you could get a lesportsac bag (I love that brand, though I want to stop buying it, it’s a bit childish, isn’t it?), I’ll be envious but in a casual way. It’s the intangible that I can get jealous of. When poring over pictures in Facebook, seeing friends have a good time and I’m not part of it; seeing friends showing off pictures of them with their boyfriends, looking so lovey dovey; hearing of friends getting good jobs, jobs that I would love to have myself… those things give me a jealousy kick.
I know being jealous is stupid, but knowing that doesn’t make me get over my jealousy. What’s worse is when I feel jealous and knowing / feeling that I was treated unfairly / overlooked. A good example was the scholarship I missed out on back in first semester of college. I felt some of the chosen people did not deserve the scholarship, because they were either more than financially capable of paying for the course, or their grades were not as good as mine, as proven later on in the course. This didn’t mean I’m not capable of paying my college fees. I have a student loan that’s more than adequate because I live at home, fortunately. But I do feel that my grades were more deserving of a scholarship because I consistently maintained them. (My CGPA is the same as my GPA in first semester, how’s that for consistent?)
But really, if I’m going to make a moral claim about what I deserve (and what I don’t), who am I to judge really?? I have for several times been lucky for things I sure as hell don’t deserve. I once carelessly left my purse in a department store, with hundreds of ringgit left inside. When I remembered, I thought I was a goner. I’d have to reapply for my identity card, driver’s license, the shit. But I found an angel of a retail assistant who was honest and gave my purse to her manager. I felt so grateful and stupid because I didn’t think to give her a little reward. I’m sure she wasn’t looking for one, but that’s beside the point.
Okay, so I’ve basically proven to myself that even though I think I deserve some things that should be mine, I have also received things that I clearly do not deserve. Yet why do I feel this persistent envy of others?? How can I come to terms with it? I want to not be jealous, yet at the same time I feel indignant if the situation is not justified in my case. And you know how I feel about fairness, so merely asking me to ‘get over it’ is not going to do. Do you get over yourself about the injustice of the world? Surely you feel angry for the oppressed, the wronged? Not that I am oppressed or wronged, but I think you get the idea.
ps. I realise that this is a petty issue, and people who have figured the solution of jealousy is probably thinking of me in a patronising manner, because I cannot figure out how to get over it or how wrong I am in thinking that I am entitled or deserving of anything just because I work to achieve it. I do hope you can enlighten me without making me feel any more stupid about feeling this way than I already am.