blogging gobbledygook and such

I believe in karma. I am also generally lucky in certain aspects of my life, like education. I feel very lucky to have studied a course I enjoyed for the most part and was quite good at it. I could be better if I didn’t fool around so much, but I needed that fooling about bit because that made my college years so memorable and the best part of my life. And because of that, I never felt envious of others who are studying overseas, or seemingly better courses than mine. What I had wasn’t the best, but it was what I want.

But there were times I felt jealous, because someone had something I wanted. I don’t feel jealous about material possessions… you could get a lesportsac bag (I love that brand, though I want to stop buying it, it’s a bit childish, isn’t it?), I’ll be envious but in a casual way. It’s the intangible that I can get jealous of. When poring over pictures in Facebook, seeing friends have a good time and I’m not part of it; seeing friends showing off pictures of them with their boyfriends, looking so lovey dovey; hearing of friends getting good jobs, jobs that I would love to have myself… those things give me a jealousy kick.

I know being jealous is stupid, but knowing that doesn’t make me get over my jealousy. What’s worse is when I feel jealous and knowing / feeling that I was treated unfairly / overlooked. A good example was the scholarship I missed out on back in first semester of college. I felt some of the chosen people did not deserve the scholarship, because they were either more than financially capable of paying for the course, or their grades were not as good as mine, as proven later on in the course. This didn’t mean I’m not capable of paying my college fees. I have a student loan that’s more than adequate because I live at home, fortunately. But I do feel that my grades were more deserving of a scholarship because I consistently maintained them. (My CGPA is the same as my GPA in first semester, how’s that for consistent?)

But really, if I’m going to make a moral claim about what I deserve (and what I don’t), who am I to judge really?? I have for several times been lucky for things I sure as hell don’t deserve. I once carelessly left my purse in a department store, with hundreds of ringgit left inside. When I remembered, I thought I was a goner. I’d have to reapply for my identity card, driver’s license, the shit. But I found an angel of a retail assistant who was honest and gave my purse to her manager. I felt so grateful and stupid because I didn’t think to give her a little reward. I’m sure she wasn’t looking for one, but that’s beside the point.

Okay, so I’ve basically proven to myself that even though I think I deserve some things that should be mine, I have also received things that I clearly do not deserve. Yet why do I feel this persistent envy of others?? How can I come to terms with it? I want to not be jealous, yet at the same time I feel indignant if the situation is not justified in my case. And you know how I feel about fairness, so merely asking me to ‘get over it’ is not going to do. Do you get over yourself about the injustice of the world? Surely you feel angry for the oppressed, the wronged? Not that I am oppressed or wronged, but I think you get the idea.

ps. I realise that this is a petty issue, and people who have figured the solution of jealousy is probably thinking of me in a patronising manner, because I cannot figure out how to get over it or how wrong I am in thinking that I am entitled or deserving of anything just because I work to achieve it. I do hope you can enlighten me without making me feel any more stupid about feeling this way than I already am.

Comments on: "When Lady Luck Doesn’t Favour You" (8)

  1. I don’t think i am the right person to advise anyone on this, but reading your post, I couldn’t resist commenting to admit that it so does happen, we feel jealous, and its totally natural. We always expect a fruit for our hard work, and i guess that is where we go wrong…… but why is it there if its wrong u know? why couldn’t god get us right the first time, that he had to teach us not to do certain things… but would we really be able to put in hard work into something without expecting something, i don’t think so. and that is why jealousy can’t be overcome according to me, its just something we have to live with…….

    sulz: i welcome your opinion nonetheless. 🙂 i agree with you, why some people can get it right the first time but we have to repeat doing something over and over before we get it right? i guess to compare ourselves with other people is fruitless, but at the same time quite understandable. we just have to each find our way to deal with it!

  2. I’m jealous of you sulz. Coz you are smart, you speak your mind(something that i find hard to do most of the time), you have better fashion sense than me, you are a graduate of a leading university in Malaysia, and you got a job already.Having said all that, actually i can easily convert that jealousy to feeling proud that you are my friend.
    I remember being jealous at my workplace friend coz i wanted so much to be picked as a trainer (i feel i was a better worker at that point) but instead she got choosen as a trainer. i was damn frustrated that time. oh well, so i told myself not to worry coz surely there will be other opportunities. true enough, when the next batch of trainers were listed out i was in the list. too bad i had to reject it coz it clashes with my exam time….no luck!

    sulz: nonsense!! i am jealous of you because

    1. you have a nicer figure than mine and can fit into any clothes that you want.
    2. you are diplomatic and therefore more popular than someone like me whose mouth runs away from me occasionally to offend people.
    3. you are going to lead a corporate life. actually, i don’t really want that, but at the same time a yuppie’s life appeals to me at some level.

    so means i am prouder to be your friend lor. 😀

    who knows, maybe your trainer dreams will come true next time. 😉 but then don’t complain about the freshies inept skills when you are one, haha! 😛

  3. Well…since you asked! I am rarely jealous anymore because I’ve taken the position that there is enough for everyone if we just open our hearts and believe that. Since you believe in karma, then you must treat people well, too, right? (You are very nice here, for instance.) Sometimes it seems like we’re not treated fairly, but it may just not be the right time. 🙂

    sulz: i am nice here, but i am not nice all the time. there are times when i feel indignant and that makes me feel like i have the right to not be nice. which doesn’t justify my behaviour, but that’s me being me.

    yeah, i do believe in karma, but it’s hard to remember that when i feel bad about myself. 😛 i need a t-shirt for that, haha!

  4. I guess jealousy is natural. And it can also be helpful sometimes. For example, if you’re jealous of someone, you might sometimes work harder to get what they have. Jealousy and satisfaction work together, I believe.

    sulz: i rather be satisfied without any jealousy involved! 😛

  5. I’m jealous of ish as he gets all the girls and I don’t. 😛

    sulz: eh, i didn’t know my son is quite the don juan… and he’s strangely quiet about all this talk about him. 😆

  6. I don’t like jealousy, even though I’m sometimes guilty of it. I think it’s hard to forgive someone you’re jealous of, but they probably don’t even realise they’ve upset you.

    Jealousy is only human, but it can be pretty damaging.

    sulz: haha, i agree with you there! especially when it’s your friend, it makes it harder to be jealous because you know it’s not right and yet you feel it.

  7. I have the same problem… as I was reading your post I was nodding all the way down. Everytime I see someone doing things that I would like to be doing, everytime I see someone having fun when I’m not, or living experiences that I haven’t, it’s like a punch in the stomach.

    I always felt jealous of my best friend because she was extremelly social, had lots of friends, had absolutely no problem finding a date/boyfriend/whatever.

    I feel extremelly jealous of people who have found the way to move into Australia. Because that’s my dream, and I’m still here.

    I feel extremelly jealous of people who have careers they love and enjoy. This is the most painful of all.

    I am AWARE that it’s stupid.

    Also, I’m aware that we can’t just select parts of people that we like and stick them on us like fridge magnets. If we are to take someone’s good things, but all the things they lack were to come in the package aswell, we’d realize it’s still not enough. I wouldn’t give up what I have acomplished as a person to get something else.

    But I still feel jealous.

    sulz: true, true! why is it being aware that being jealous is stupid and not exactly right, and yet the jealousy doesn’t go away??

    by the way, please don’t be jealous of me being in macau or anything if you are. not exactly having the time of my life right now! oh, so much stories to tell when i get back. i think i will just take photos of my journal and slap them up in a page.

  8. lady luck ! you are on the right track. i too had a similar experience . well through out class x i worked hard for the scholarship my school offered . and you know what when the result was declared i found i just missed by a margin. while those who got the scholarship for sure were not deserving . but what i always thought was that at least whatever i have achieved it was purely because of my hard work while i still sticked to my principles throughout.I knew that there is a time for everything and guess what this year when nobody dare even get their hands on another scholarship , i am getting it. well so finally you can say that there is surely somebody watching us , our hard work and it is he who has got to decide what you should get and when you should get it. So go ahead and keep on doing your karma and surely you will be paid for it 🙂
    P.S. jealousy is a part and parcel of human nature . its nice to be a little envious until and unless it doesn’t harms others and above all you

    sulz: wow, great karma story! right now, i don’t think i deserve scholarships of any kind now. but hopefully a raise after my job probation period? 😉

    it’s human but i rather if i didn’t have it, haha!

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