I love this post. Great advice (especially no. 2) by Poonam!
5 Things Not to Do in Your Relationships
Well, when I write here at Bloggerdygook, I will write about relationships and friendship. There are times when we all have been emotionally in trouble, we feel let down by our friends. Here are 5 reasons why we feel let down by a friend, I have written from my personal experiences. (Take it as a guide for 5 things you should not do with your friend. 🙂
1. Jumping to Provide Your Advice: One day a friend calls up to bitch about her unreasonable boss. She was so worked up that she informed me that she had written her resignation letter already and was about to email it. I tried my best to make things sound normal. I rather asked about what she wanted in career, organization. She vent more, I vent mine. But I never advised her to take the escalation routes that we both knew exist. In hindsight, I thank God that I didn’t. My friend calmed down and realized she has invested so much in this organization and she can not let her temper to spoil things. Story proves my point.
Don’t offer your advice unless you are sure your friend wants it.
2. Avoiding the Subject: So you have a friend who has spouse problems, other has career problems, other has kid problems. It seems like you have been hearing them hem and haw for long. You know they have trouble but you want to distract them from their troubles by talking about other good things in life. I found that not talking about it made my friend take drastic decisions. One was about to resign her bankable job, when she was a bread-earner in the family. Other one started threatening her spouse with divorce. It certainly aggravated the situation.
You are right in trying to enjoy other things but avoiding the subject of trouble is a hara-kiri. Sometimes all people need is a patient hearing. Listen to your friend, really listen.
3. Trivializing the Problem: One of my best friends called to tell me that his longtime colleague had resigned. He was sad, because with his comrade gone, he will be alone with “new wave” employees. He was apprehensive if he would ever be intimate with them as he was with his friend. I understood him completely and quickly told him that happens commonly. After all, so many of my colleagues had left too. I assured him its nothing but a passing phase. My friend was not pleased.
I had made a mistake. It meant a lot to my friend to part with his colleague. It seemed to him that I did not care about his heartache. He thought I didn’t understand and to me his problem was zilch.
I should have empathized with him but I ended up losing his faith in me. Don’t trivialize your friend’s problem. It may seem routine to you, but it might mean the world to him.
4. Not Voicing Your Real Troubles: Girls often keep hinting guys that they are troubled. Chances are unless you have spelled it out exactly, he hasn’t got it. I am a woman with the head of a man. I too sometimes can not perceive things unless stated clearly. I might miss things you did not state. Once stated, I will do my best.
I had planned to go for a movie with a friend. As usual, he was delayed. He excused that some problem at work. We watched movie, it was Friday late night. I was tired. I had cleaned out my desk at my work as I was changing jobs from next Monday. I thought a movie would take mind off things.
I was shocked when about a week later my friend accused me of being a moron and that was not there for him when he had the biggest setback in his career! Frankly, I was surprised. I had assumed that my friend was making an excuse as always. Though I had acknowledged he may have trouble at work, I had no idea about the magnitude of things this time, as such problems had happened in past and dealt with. Had my friend spoken about it, things would have been different.
Stop assuming that your partner/friend is mind reader, speak about your feelings.
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5. Egging Your Friend On: I rarely talk about my troubles. When I do, I feel let down for two reasons. One of my friend takes aggressive stance at my woes. Telling me if I don’t do this, it will get worse. He tells me that I am being fooled or I am fool. Now this was downright discouraging and demotivating while I had needed encouragement and moral support. I show my worst side to him.
Another friend has a different approach. When I confide my woes, she agrees that I am in worse job, my friend is bad. She adds more woes in agreement, relating her bad experiences. She reminds I had it bad before too, she says I should finish off things right now. It eggs me on. I almost resign and breakup a relationship. Problem is not solved, it got worse. I lose a chance to work out things both at work and in relationships.
Don’t egg on your friend before exactly knowing what they want. Help them to calm and decide for themselves.
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