blogging gobbledygook and such

Guest Post by Poonam!

I love this post. Great advice (especially no. 2) by Poonam!

5 Things Not to Do in Your Relationships

Well, when I write here at Bloggerdygook, I will write about relationships and friendship. There are times when we all have been emotionally in trouble, we feel let down by our friends. Here are 5 reasons why we feel let down by a friend, I have written from my personal experiences. (Take it as a guide for 5 things you should not do with your friend. 🙂

Source: http://www.proseandletters.com/Cards/Friendship.html

1. Jumping to Provide Your Advice: One day a friend calls up to bitch about her unreasonable boss. She was so worked up that she informed me that she had written her resignation letter already and was about to email it. I tried my best to make things sound normal. I rather asked about what she wanted in career, organization. She vent more, I vent mine. But I never advised her to take the escalation routes that we both knew exist. In hindsight, I thank God that I didn’t. My friend calmed down and realized she has invested so much in this organization and she can not let her temper to spoil things. Story proves my point.

Don’t offer your advice unless you are sure your friend wants it.

2. Avoiding the Subject: So you have a friend who has spouse problems, other has career problems, other has kid problems. It seems like you have been hearing them hem and haw for long. You know they have trouble but you want to distract them from their troubles by talking about other good things in life. I found that not talking about it made my friend take drastic decisions. One was about to resign her bankable job, when she was a bread-earner in the family. Other one started threatening her spouse with divorce. It certainly aggravated the situation.

You are right in trying to enjoy other things but avoiding the subject of trouble is a hara-kiri. Sometimes all people need is a patient hearing. Listen to your friend, really listen.

3. Trivializing the Problem: One of my best friends called to tell me that his longtime colleague had resigned. He was sad, because with his comrade gone, he will be alone with “new wave” employees. He was apprehensive if he would ever be intimate with them as he was with his friend. I understood him completely and quickly told him that happens commonly. After all, so many of my colleagues had left too. I assured him its nothing but a passing phase. My friend was not pleased.

I had made a mistake. It meant a lot to my friend to part with his colleague. It seemed to him that I did not care about his heartache. He thought I didn’t understand and to me his problem was zilch.

I should have empathized with him but I ended up losing his faith in me. Don’t trivialize your friend’s problem. It may seem routine to you, but it might mean the world to him.

4. Not Voicing Your Real Troubles: Girls often keep hinting guys that they are troubled. Chances are unless you have spelled it out exactly, he hasn’t got it. I am a woman with the head of a man. I too sometimes can not perceive things unless stated clearly. I might miss things you did not state. Once stated, I will do my best.

I had planned to go for a movie with a friend. As usual, he was delayed. He excused that some problem at work. We watched movie, it was Friday late night. I was tired. I had cleaned out my desk at my work as I was changing jobs from next Monday. I thought a movie would take mind off things.

I was shocked when about a week later my friend accused me of being a moron and that was not there for him when he had the biggest setback in his career! Frankly, I was surprised. I had assumed that my friend was making an excuse as always. Though I had acknowledged he may have trouble at work, I had no idea about the magnitude of things this time, as such problems had happened in past and dealt with. Had my friend spoken about it, things would have been different.

Stop assuming that your partner/friend is mind reader, speak about your feelings.

Source: This image is copyrighted to http://www.comstock.com/web/

5. Egging Your Friend On: I rarely talk about my troubles. When I do, I feel let down for two reasons. One of my friend takes aggressive stance at my woes. Telling me if I don’t do this, it will get worse. He tells me that I am being fooled or I am fool. Now this was downright discouraging and demotivating while I had needed encouragement and moral support. I show my worst side to him.

Another friend has a different approach. When I confide my woes, she agrees that I am in worse job, my friend is bad. She adds more woes in agreement, relating her bad experiences. She reminds I had it bad before too, she says I should finish off things right now. It eggs me on. I almost resign and breakup a relationship. Problem is not solved, it got worse. I lose a chance to work out things both at work and in relationships.

Don’t egg on your friend before exactly knowing what they want. Help them to calm and decide for themselves.

Related Topics: 11 Ways to Beat the Depression

I also write at Visceral Observations and Being a Blogger.

Comments on: "Guest Post by Poonam!" (12)

  1. Point number 3 is really good. A lot of us often do that, you know, telling our friend that it doesn’t matter and that everything will be fine. It doesn’t really work that way always

    sulz: true, true. i try to refrain from saying that too many times because it becomes meaningless and i know it’s not true sometimes.

  2. Very good and true points. And I totally agree with point 4. Even if I’m a girl I like things being said to me directly. I cant understand subtle hints. And due to this I also dont expect my friends esp guys to understand indirect talk.

    sulz: hmm, direct/indirect talk is tricky because i like both in different situations. but i guess direct is better than indirect at the end of the day!

  3. This post is excellent, probably my fav so far.

    sulz: high compliments to poonam indeed! 🙂

  4. Good one, I think I should take its print out and keep it with me….like quick ref. guides.

    sulz: no, no, bookmark this page and give me hits every time you need to read it again. 😉

  5. Well point no 4 is very truw…no one is god who would know what you are feeling. Even a doctor wants you to explain your problem to him before he could pescribe medicines!!

    sulz: sometimes, people can truly not know what you are feeling and then sometimes there are people who pretend they don’t know what’s going on. maybe it’s paranoia but i think when you know someone for a long time you have an idea if something is wrong with your friend. that’s not to say that everybody can read minds, yes. 🙂

  6. Wait, one question: These things here will work when you err… want to do the reverse right? I sure hope so, might rid me of an annoying tail. 😛

    Alright, Alright I’m joking. [That doesn’t mean it will stop me from trying em. Mwahahahaha. 😀 Wait, that dude can be useful for the imperial cause later. Darn, now I’ve to find someone else.]

    Sulz-o-meter: 3 Days to be back. Yay!

    sulz: i’m back actually. 😀

  7. Being a person who has spent considerable time with Poonam, I can say that this is something straight out of her heart. She gives a patience ear to your problems…gives you a perfect advice and would fight for it if you are not convinced. Her judgment about people and their behaviour is accurate most of the time! 🙂

    sulz: sounds like poonam could make a living being an aunt agony! 😀

  8. Like some of the others, Point #3 really hit home for me. I have experienced thinking someone’s “issue” was such a “non-issue” that I thought they were joking. You point out quite rightly that if it’s important to THEM, it’s important. We don’t always have to understand why. Very thoughtful post, and I liked the pictures you included, too.

    sulz: you hit the nail right on the head!

  9. I like this post. It made me think, which is something I should do more often.

    Point 3 is a tricky one. There’s a fine line between trivialising and reassuring, and I know I’ve blundered across it more than once.

    sulz: i guess we just make do as we go along, try to find that balance. at the very least is that you tried, you know? 🙂

  10. it happens in totally different way for me .

    sulz: what do you mean?

  11. praneshachar said:

    superb post all the points are optly covered and it is very true you should be very careful either to give advise or seek advise. post is worth infinity and great work by poonam as usual and a guest post gift to sulz and all of us congrats to both host and guest

    sulz: thank you. you’re right, i feel honoured she wrote such an apt post for my blog. 🙂

  12. Since you didn’t let me print this out…I had to come here again for reference purposes…

    1. hmm…
    2. hm….
    3. Yeah…thats one I am talking about…

    sulz: keep coming then, you’re always welcomed. 🙂

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