blogging gobbledygook and such

Thank you to everybody who has expressed their concern in regards to my previous post.

Because you made yourself look so promising back in June and the months before you. I was about to embark on my maiden coming-of-age trip, I expected to have nothing but the time of my life.

Instead, my trip shaped me bitterer and more cynical. That’s not to say I didn’t have good moments. I did, and I treasure those. I also grew up, but in an unhappy way about it.

Then, you read my previous cryptic post and that happened in you, July… Even more unexpected than how my trip transpired.

And on your last day, July… you really have to hit the nail in the coffin, haven’t you? Bad things come in three, after all, huh?

On your last day, you took away from me someone so precious, a girl who lights up my Saturday mornings, a little girl I love as if she were my own daughter, a girl I hug and kiss every day that she comes to me… You took her away, just like that. No warning, no time. (No, she didn’t die, lest you get the wrong idea.)

I still remember her on the last, unexpected day I had with her. Her hair has grown a little long; I always thought she look most fetching that way. Never a day would I look at her without marvelling her beauty, her china doll features.

My happiest moments with her were taking her out to the mall the moment it opens. I would always take her to the bookshop first – the children’s section, of course. Then we would move on to Toys R Us. Then it would be time for lunch. When she was younger, she’ll always choose to eat at McDonald’s. On our more recent visits, however, she chose Pizza Hut. Even though it cost more, I could never say no to her. Those outings were purely for her happiness, but I bask in her happiness and that makes me happy too.

How can I ever bask in her happiness again? She’s gone… (No, she’s not dead.)

I miss you so much, my sweetheart. I wish I were given the chance to celebrate with you your birthday today.

ps. She’s still alive, but gone in the sense that I’ll probably never see her again.

Comments on: "You Lied To Me, July… Julyer." (24)

  1. How can I ever bask in her happiness again? She’s gone…

    Sulz, I’m glad you’re okay, but I’m having a hard time understanding the meaning of your post. It’s misleading and to be honest I find it quite insulting. My best friend died at the age of your friend and I miss her every day; I’m sorry if your friend is no longer in your life but you said yourself, she’s not dead. This reads like a eulogy and in my opinion it’s extremely disrespectful to everyone who has lost someone they cared for.

    Others may disagree and I don’t mean this to sound harsh; I’m glad you’re okay and I was very worried about you. And I certainly don’t doubt you miss your friend. But is this really the reaction you wanted your post to create? Because I am very, very upset at the moment and to be honest I expected a lot more from you.

  2. Sulz I have no idea what you were thinking. After worrying us all to death on your previous post you release this…..

    You asked in this post here what sort of friend are you….

    What is this supposed to accomplish? This child who you obviously cared for is not dead ….she is just somewhere else…..there are far worse things in life … played with her and enjoyed her company… you hopefully have never really suffered in your life and with this post you have insulted many who have …I am deeply offended by this post.

  3. i’m sorry you both felt this was in poor taste and felt such deep offense for it.

  4. Am hoping for some constructive dialogue today…

    Adding the “she did not die lest you get the wrong idea” still seems a little strange… am frankly surprised you did not delete this part of it…..
    People have been known to delete posts or part of posts if they are known to hurt or deeply offend someone.

    I actually found the first part interesting if hard to follow …it was the little girl bit that was offensive to me, not the whole post….it seemed so contrived to casually say….

    p.s. she’s still alive…but gone in the sense that I will probably never see her again

    We do miss children whom we have become close to but its nothing compared to the loss of a child or a brother or sister etc.

    You may know I was a nanny for very wealthy families in the eighties and after two years of looking after a little boy I left and it was heart wrenching but I never assumed for a moment that my affection was anywhere as real or as distressing as the love of a parent for a child.

    Maybe if you have this much affection to give you could volunteer for big sisters or some charity where you could make a real difference in the life of a child ….but children in these cases are not dolls to marvel over they are needy of things like help with homework and adults who are good role models.

  5. What I meant above was that you have a lot of love inside it would be a good place to direct it…where it will be appreciated and where you have some semblance of control as well. Off to other blog now.

  6. Hey, sulz. I’m glad that you are home, and looking forward to reading more of your experiences. It seems you’ve had some challenges since you got home, though, too. 😦 I remember you writing here about how your family takes care of children for working parents. It’s obvious how much care and love you give them. You must have missed the children while you were away, and now it seems this little girl has moved on. You don’t go into details, but it seems like it must be either that her family moved away, or disagreed with your family about something. Whatever it was, I can understand how you would miss this little sweetie. The pictures you posted are just darling! She’s so cute in the Powerpuff hat, and I like the one with her showing the peace sign (little hippie!). The way you wrote about taking her to the mall was very charming; I can imagine the two of you there. She was lucky to have you in her life. I hope both of you are doing OK. 🙂

    sulz: yeah, she had to move away for some reason, but this was the first kid we had who stopped coming without one month’s notice. at least i could’ve prepared myself mentally and do something nice for her before she left – i’ve always wanted to take her to this park in the city.

    i really miss her. i didn’t get to see her wear the t-shirt i bought her from macau.

  7. Hello Sulz! Glad to see a new post from you. Your friend is really really cute! I’m so sorry you have been separated from her. When two friends split it is always the one who stays who suffers the most… your story at the mall was touching. Like museditions, I can imagine you both having fun there. 🙂

    I don’t want to get into arguments here, I’m sorry if I am. but… to the first two commenters: get over yourselves. It is kinda presumtious and self centered to assume your pain is bigger than other people’s pain. I’m absolutely sure that losing a loved one must be painful in unimaginable levels, and I’m sorry you’ve been through that, but it doesn’t give you the right to come to another person’s place and tell them what they can or cannot feel. Pain is not an observable measure, it’s a subjective feeling that has an intensity that depends on the personality, experiences and coping measures.

    To sum it up: Unless you’re Sulz, you have absolutely no saying in what she can feel bad about. Absolutely no saying.

    sulz: she is, isn’t she? i loved to kiss and hug her to bits… even when we’re out, i’d ask her to do those, because people stare when she does that. 😀

  8. Thanks Nessa for coming here and telling me how to feel. I have tried to have a dialogue with Sulz to express how this made me feel and as it was pointless really for many reasons I shall be saying goodbye…so that is another loss for Sulz, one that could have been prevented if the dialogue had been been a ittle more two sided.

    sulz: magik, i was in an e-mail conversation with you, which you chose to end and not answer my questions. if you want to continue that, i will respond.

  9. lovelyloey said:

    The way you wrote it really sounded like she died or something. Next time don’t so scary, can? Haha.
    But I guess if she’s not coming back to your family then it might actually feel that way.

    sulz: exactly. i don’t mean to make her sound like she died, but i definitely feel something had ended.

  10. I couldn’t care less how you feel, you can say it and scream it in your own realm. But here you’re impossing yourself and being extremely judmental without even try to put yourself in her shoes.

    And I thought I had no empathy.

    I think it’s your loss. If you don’t see it, then you obviously didn’t deserve having her in the first place.

    Have a good life.

  11. Sorry, my comment above is directed to Magik. I just realized that it could be taken in a confusing way since it has no names or quotes in it and it came out after lovelyloey’s comment.

    Either way, I suppose she’s not coming back (magik), so we can move on to fluffier themes. Or at least different ones.

  12. Sulz I cannot have a conversation with someone who keeps saying I am judging them when I am simply trying to understand.

    As I said I understand your voice on your other blog…. I must be too old to get this one!!!

    sulz: i respect your decision.

  13. It’s not uncommon for someone to express such grief; I remember when I got Mike’s message from the Eastern States that he landed in Brisbane for good, I was frankly, quite pissed off. I was confused too when I read the post, just like everyone else 😉 Hope you’re feeling better. Now let’s put a little smile on that face… 😀 😛

    sulz: who’s mike?

  14. [blockquote]Now let’s put a little smile on that face… [/blockquote]

    HA, c’mon sulz, you HAVE to laugh at that.

    sulz: 🙂

  15. I’m really sad to hear that your trip didn’t go how you wanted it to. I hope you feel better soon.

    I’m not sure I know what’s going on, but I do know that knowing that you’re not going to see someone you care about again can be extremely painful, and whether they’re still alive isn’t the issue.

    So I wanted to say, sorry for your loss. From the looks of it, some people are being rather insensitive about it, and I really do hope you’re not letting them get you down.

    I’m not sure I understand the situation, so I’m scared to say anything else in case it comes across as insensitive or corny, so I’d better shut my mouth before I put my metaphorical foot any further in it.

    sulz: thanks… i’m afraid i do let things affect me more than they should.

  16. Sulz,

    Because of suffering from depression, I’m the expert at feeling bad for seemingly unreasonable causes. And I’ve lived with the guilt, and I’ve heard a thousand times that I should value my family and my friends and my health, and that because of all I have I should be jumping around like a happy bunny. Yes, I SHOULD, but I am not happy. I have tried to force it on myself, but it doesn’t work like that.

    Understand it? I cannot change it at will, and judgmental people who make it look like you’re drowning in a glass of water don’t help. It doesn’t matter whether they’re right or not, listening to this is just counterproductive.

    Don’t think I’m only talking about clinical depression. Besides the illness which is this long term chemical thing, the normal life as such can present with these challenges. The line between normalcy and pathology in mental issues is more blurry than you think. Many external things can affect the way your brain perceives your whole existance. You need to take a look at the big picture.

    Implying that like losing a friend is a minor problem you can shake off like bad dream is having very little comprehension of human behaviour, very little insight on one’s own actions and mostly, zero empathy.

    A break up with a meaninful someone, the immense feeling of loneliness, topped with having friends gone away, AND, being exposed to life changes such as finishing an era of your life. You’re in a moment of great uncertainty and everything is changing and you feel like you can’t hold on to anyone. That makes one not able to rely even on the people who have stood there.

    The main deal is: You already know that you have many things to be grateful for. You’re not a queen of doom, we have seen you pointing out the good things in your life. You know that you know. The guilt over this is not making you feel any better. Leave it at that.

    Don’t understimate the issues you’re having, because they are OBVIOUSLY getting to you. Don’t let people or that little voice in your head tell you that your feelings are not justified. Trying to deny it will not get rid of it.

    Aknowledging all this will probably not make it any easier yet… but at least you would be able to clear your mind a little and try to focus on fixing what you want to fix. You will not be able to fix any problems if you deny them.

    You say you let things affect you more than they should. I disagree. I think you are in fact, underestimating it all because of a sense of guilt.

    I’m here for you whenever you need it. Even if it’s just to rant. You have heard my insane rants, so there’s nothing you could be ashamed of. I promise I will not try to advice you more. 🙂


    – Nessa.

    sulz: thank you for your advice. i really appreciate it. *hugs* you were spot on about the changes in my life bit.

  17. Woooo!! Happy convocation! XD

    haha.. okok. here’s a lil’ advice. find something to occupy your time with. do something engaging like playing the rubic cube. trust me. it works. it helped me a lot to get over ‘her.’

    sulz: thanks, i hope it will be.

    hahaha, first time i hear people suggest rubic’s cube to get over someone.

  18. Mike is Matt’s other twin, who left Perth for Brisbane and telling us four about it at the last moment, without saying goodbye. He did that because he was afraid of telling us the truth in fear of what we would think of him. I’ve accepted it, but I don’t know about his parents.

    sulz: who’s matt?? why did mike leave for brisbane just like that?

    geez, you’re kinda a lousy storyteller, so much hanging in the air! 😛

  19. Ms. Johnny said:

    Sulz…sorry to know that you are not okay.
    I really hope you will be okay oneday when you are ready to let those bad things go and start afresh. you know you always have me to talk to, right? don’t forget we will be having our pedicure session soon…so smile to that k 😉
    will try to arrange it within this week, try to keep sunday free

    love you and do take care my dear

    sulz: i hope so too. i’m looking forward to that.

    love you too. *hugs*

  20. […] and links to a Hallmark card saying thanks for your friendship. She then started recounting the various losses she had suffered in July which included the most extraordinary tale of a little girl that she had lost in July…a […]

  21. Mike left us in W.A. because he was scared of telling the truth that he had moved over for the sake of being with his boyfriend. Instead he told a lie that he was moving with “a friend”. He didn’t know how everyone (the Original Posse included) would handle his sexual orientation, of which I don’t mind, because our friend (from the same primary school) Luke came out of the closet two years and a bit before Mike did.

    sulz: oooh, juicy! but a bit sad that he was so afraid of how your friends and you would take it, since you obviously have no problems with that. hope he’s happy with his boyfriend. 🙂

  22. thebeadden said:

    Welcome back, sulz. I’m trying to play catch up with my reading. I’m sorry you never had a chance to say good-bye to the little girl. I wonder if she knew she was even leaving and may never get to see you again? It is too bad you were not told about this in advance so everyone could say their good-byes and adjust to what was going on.
    Maybe down the road you will be able to get in contact.

    sulz: hey bead, thank you, and for stopping by. 🙂 nah, she is too young to know what’s going on. yeah, i really wished they’d given a one month’s notice, not that it would help much seeing as i spent most of july overseas! but at least i could’ve mentally prepared myself and do something nice with her before she went… i miss her. her picture is my desktop’s wallpaper.

  23. oh that was so touching sulz!
    you see there are some relationship which are above the relationships of blood
    i hope she meets you one day and i am sure her love for you will always remain intact. amen

    sulz: thank you but i am not so optimistic. children will be children, they forget…

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