And that’s the truth. I’m ashamed of the way I feel right now, because I’m where I want to be – home – and I have people who care about me. But I’m very unhappy despite that.
The truth is that Macau has become a bad memory for me. I’m still haunted by memories of loneliness and extreme homesickness during my time there. I never let on how awful I truly felt at those times except to 9, because I e-mailed her almost every day I was there. 9 has been my Macanese rock, but her love wasn’t enough for me.
I wanted to blog about my situation then, but I’ve filled the whole month of July with post-published posts, never thinking that I’d have easy access to the Internet or that I’d have time to blog. In the end, access and time I did have. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you what an awful time I was having because everybody has been so excited for me about Macau. And I know that my readers do not enjoy sad posts; and they were so enjoying the guest posts. I was – still am – ashamed to admit that Macau wasn’t as I hoped it would be on a personal front.
A month before I left, I ended things with a guy I like very much because he had problems of his own and he was not able to give me the support I knew I would need in Macau. He also wouldn’t confide in me what he was going through and was prone to disappearing for weeks and months, something I couldn’t understand nor accept. I went and came back from my trip, but the truth is that I never got over him. I’m still not over him. I’m very ashamed about this, because I’m blessed with friends who care about me, but I wish that it was him who would give a damn about me. It hurts that he doesn’t, even though I know he has his own demons to deal with.
Then my previous two posts caused quite a stir. I shouldn’t be affected, but I am. It’s difficult to read what people think is going on, without hearing what I have to say about it first. And it’s also difficult when people take offense by a personal post because they didn’t like the way I presented my story and expected me to edit it on the basis that it offended them. And these are people who I thought were my friends. I guess it is my loss…
So this is the truth. The truth is that I’m not okay. I thought I would be once I’m back home. It’s better than Macau for sure, but I’m still not happy the way I was before I left. I lost many things in July. I lost my naivete, general contentment with life, faith, my sweetheart…
I’m feeling very depressed. I even cancelled my date with 9. And I don’t cancel dates on the basis that I don’t feel happy – in fact, going out with my friends are usually a source of happiness for me.
I know I’m responsible for my own happiness, but I think I need help finding it back.
ps. Tomorrow is my convocation. I’m not looking forward to it at all.