This year has been a tumultuous one when it comes to my friendships. I feel like I’ve lost more friends than I have gained new ones.
First, there are my former classmates who I have not been keeping in touch with. Among my 20-odd classmates, I am only keeping in active touch with 3: 9, JellyBean and Sushi. The others, well… I have not been in contact with them, and neither have they with me. You might say why don’t I make the first move? Simple; I don’t want to be disappointed, I don’t want to be rejected. The very fact that they aren’t keeping in touch with me makes me want to not keep in touch with them, do you get my drift?
Besides that, it’s not easy to keep in touch with people when the common thread that connects us has now broken. Most of my classmates, we are friends simply because we are classmates. We do not have anything in common other than that fact. Very understandable that we lose touch once class is over. But it’s sad, because I’ve gotten to know them over 3 years, and as a class, we were such amazing people… so much life, so vibrant, so loud. They made me look forward to class, even though class could be horribly dull or taught by a horrible lecturer. I was not close with most of them to begin with, but I’m glad I knew them. Sad that people I once laughed with, laughed at, talked with, gossiped with, bitched with, fought with, are now out of my life as easily as they came into it by being my classmate. It’s as if what we shared had not much meaning at all…
Also, there’s that guy I used to be involved with. I care about him very much but it hurts to be friends with him. Other than the fact that I still have feelings for him, I also feel he doesn’t quite care about me. It’s perfectly understandable, though, because he is having some personal problems and so is going through an emotionally difficult time. I understand that, but the part of me that still likes him doesn’t. All that said, I still miss his friendship. We used to have really absurd conversations online.
Then, there’s the rather recent falling out between me and two good people, regular readers here, as most of you would know. Do I regret what happened? One part of me misses their friendship – the part of me that remembers the part of them that was nice and kind to me. Another part of me does not regret what happened because I felt I wasn’t fairly treated, not the way one would expect from people who were friends. (I’m not saying that I was faultless in what happened between us.) That said, it still saddens me a lot. Not specifically the loss of their friendships; I’m referring to the fact that how we found a lot of things in common, and how the friendship was built upon those common threads, but it crumbled because of one thing we disagreed.
Friendships are so fragile. Just like a thread, the similarities will connect you with the other person. Just like a thread, once it snaps, once what you have in common is gone, the friendship is most likely to drift away too… One disagreement can be like a pair of scissors which cuts the thin thread, the cord of friendship broken.