blogging gobbledygook and such

tuO dessertS

I probably seem like myself after some rather emotional posts early last month, but I don’t think I’m my happy self. At least, not in person. When blogging, I feel happy. Other than that, I’m at this level where if nothing bad happens, I’m stable. But once the tiniest little thing goes the wrong way, I get very frustrated. I snap, I cry, I repress.

It’s not like the workload at work is piling on. If you noticed, I haven’t really talked about work since the last one about my first week at work. That’s because I realised that it’s not very ethical to be talking about work. The problem is that, work is a big part of my life and it affects me, whether positively or negatively. If positively, I guess I could contain myself from blogging about it, but if it’s not positive…

I feel like I’m repressing how I feel about work and how it makes me feel. It’s not the job; the job is nothing I can’t handle, just a matter of getting the hang of it. It’s the environment that makes me unhappy. I don’t look forward to going to work every single day. I punch in a few minutes later than when I should be in and I punch out the moment the clock strikes six.

I still haven’t managed to fit in, and I doubt I ever will. And because of this, I feel isolated at work. As it is, my job hardly requires me to speak to anybody except the manager and my supervisor. I can’t exactly be making small talk with them if I ever want to do a little chit-chat, can I? The only person who actually talks to me at work is 9. Through text messages. It’s so ridiculous, isn’t it, that the only person who talks to me at work doesn’t even work at my office??

I’m reserved by nature, but I need company nonetheless. I need to enjoy working beside my colleagues, even if they don’t contribute to my job scope. I need to feel belonged. And I don’t there. And that makes me unhappy.

I want to work in a place with like-minded people. People who appreciate my talent(s). People who I look forward to seeing because work isn’t like work when I’m with them. I want to be inspired by my co-workers, to put on my thinking cap and come up with creative ideas or concepts. I want to have brainstorming sessions. I want colleagues who will watch my back, as I will theirs. I want colleagues to share the latest gossip with me. I want to work with people my own age.

When I think back to my previous part-time jobs, the ones I didn’t enjoy were either one-month stints or paid very well but working hours were short. The ones I did enjoy had a minimal wage or a place very far away, but my colleagues made the job bearable. And even if I didn’t feel like working, I looked forward to working with them. When there are no customers, we talked and bitched about one thing or another. We try on the shop’s products. And that’s what I want. I want camaraderie.

My situation is making me stressed. I’ve been snapping at my family more than usual. I don’t feel happy unless I’m in my blog or reading a book. I haven’t been eating very healthily and I’m sitting down far too much for my own good. Yet I feel so horribly tired after work each day.

I crave real friends. (Not that you aren’t real, I mean that I need to hang out with people physically… socialise with people who actually knows the real sulz and what she’s really like… not the quiet wallflower image she has perpetually imprinted on her in new places.) I haven’t been out with anybody except Angel and Sesat. Or alone by myself. The only guys who even give me the time of day is if you happen to be male, reading this and leaving a comment. (Dee doesn’t count.) Not that I’m looking for guys for romantic prospects (well, I am, but not only for that lah!) – I mean, I enjoy being friends with guys because my friendship with them has a different dimension than it is with girls. (Hmm, should do a post on that.)

I feel really pathetic lor!

Comments on: "tuO dessertS" (17)

  1. Then make the first move on people if you’re so discontent; make your voice heard! Just… talk to people at your office! That’s really the best advice to get out of the rut you seem to be in right now.

    sulz: i know i could do that, but i don’t know how to. i did say i’m reserved by nature, and there’s a reason for that… i’m horrible at anything social. it took me several semesters to even warm up to my former classmates. which means for the first few semesters i didn’t have a set of friends i hung out with, just a loner who occasionally goes out with lunch with some friends who happened to invite me. but i enjoyed classes because my classmates were a riot.

    and i do talk when there’s an opportunity. like yesterday, there was an incident so i did talk to them. it’s just that there are very few things to connect me with them… we aren’t thrown in anything together, we just happen to be together.

  2. Maybe you could ask them where they go to for lunch? (Unless there’s only one place nearby then that would sound quite silly). Or ask them about food. I guess in this region it’s quite a good conversation starter?

    sulz: the ones who speak chinese, they go buy food outside then come back to the office to eat. i followed them the first week, then stopped ‘cos they speak nothing but chinese. (i’d ask some questions in english, but the conversation would drift back to chinese…) the malay colleagues, puasa month, haha. but i think i will do that after the fasting month, ‘cos i know they don’t go to the same place to buy food as the chinese colleagues.

    my whole life i haven’t had this much difficulty finding people who i have things in common with. even in macau, i eventually found a few people, though it took a while. i’ve been working for almost as long as i’ve been in macau but i still haven’t found anybody in the office that i can go and sit down and talk if i feel like it. then again, there are only like less than 20 people, so the odds of finding a kindred spirit is quite low when the majority speaks chinese! πŸ™‚

  3. When you’re working in a company, you really have to follow what they’ve been doing there before, meaning mixing around and all that. Also, you really should be making the first move, start taking to them in English, and let them know you’re not well versed in Chinese so that they know. Of course, you can’t expect them to start speaking in English just for you. So the best thing to do is to stick with them, mix around, let them know who you are, then you will slowly pickup from there. It will be no different from most (if not all) china man type companies (unless you’re working in an all english-speaking company).

    Take it as a challenge and a chance to get outside your own comfort zone by making the first move. It may be rough the first two or 3 months but you’d have to start making friends, otherwise you will be very very lonely and you will never ever like your job no matter how much you are paid. Good luck!

    sulz: they know i don’t speak chinese, the very first day itself that i came. no, i wouldn’t expect them to speak in english for me.

    thank you for taking time to comment.

  4. I wish I could offer a bit more insight here, but truth be told, I’m bit of a loner. In my social environments, I tend to stay to myself or end up with one or two people I can actually have an intelligent conversation with. I’m not one into gossip, and since that’s all that seems to go one where I am, I prefer to be alone.

    I find it hard to believe that you would be one to stay to yourself. You seem very outgoing and to be one of those sort of people that lights up the room whenever you enter. At least you do have 9, one good friend to have an earnest conversation with is better than an office full of acquaintances that just make small talk.

    sulz: i sound just like you, actually. i don’t make small talk for the sake of doing so to get to know people; rather, i speak when there’s an opportunity, like asking advice for a question i genuinely want to know, or some commotion outside the office that someone might know about. in that sense i like gossip because i’m curious to know what’s going on and it helps me understand the surrounding better. but i can’t go about asking for gossip when they’ve hardly known me, can i! πŸ˜†

    no, not outgoing at all. but when i am close with people, i am more open and i’m not shy. i can be talkative and noisy to the point of exasperation!

  5. [[my job hardly requires me to speak to anybody except the manager and my supervisor.]]

    I would think the kind of job you have chosen would be mostly silent running unless there are problems.
    [[People who I look forward to seeing because work isn’t like work]]

    You and nearly every other worker in the world. Good luck on finding a job where work isn’t work. πŸ˜‰
    Even work you like often becomes eventual drudgery.

    [[I want to be inspired by my co-workers, to put on my thinking cap and come up with creative ideas or concepts.]]

    Don’t feel so all alone. Everybody wants to run before they can walk. Becoming part of a group of creative thinkers is a position that is not usually given to beginners. It is a spot that has to be earned, usually after years of proving you can put up with the regular daily job grind.

    You may need to change jobs. Here is the rub. Before you change you need to make a list of things you like and do not like about the job you are doing. Then you need to look at job that will fit what your expectations are. But every job has its pluses and minuses. You very well have to consider that you may have to decide what you are willing to sacrifice to gain the position that best fits you. If you need a lot of personal interaction at a job – you need to consider that when you apply for a job. Some jobs simply are lone wolf positions where human interaction is at a minimum. Plus some companies do not want a lot of human interaction as it slows down the work process.

    sulz: and i thought i would like being alone! i guess i didn’t know myself well enough. i enjoy my personal time at home, but i think i need interaction elsewhere. before this, i had plenty at college, so i guess i’m missing that now.

    i know what you mean. work will at some point frustrate me, i’m sure of that, but if i had friends for co-workers instead of just co-workers, i think they make working life more bearable. i see the little cliques in my office and i can tell that’s why they enjoy working there. some of them live very far away (unlike me, my house is a 10-minute drive away without jam), yet they are willing to travel so far just for work! i don’t think it’s just work, now, right? πŸ™‚

    thanks for the advice, i appreciate it! i definitely ponder on the things you’ve suggested, but at the end of the day i can’t be 100% sure until i experience it, you know? i thought i would enjoy this job. colleagues situation notwithstanding, i’m actually not that crazy about my job. but maybe i will like it once i’m efficient at it. if i stay that long.

  6. gentledove said:

    Sulz your being reserved is not a minus it’s a huge plus, me I’m blundermouth, the problem you are talking about is a very basic society thing, it’s not just you. What do you suppose sport, hobbies or sometimes even religion is all about, this is just people trying to make human contact using a medium to do it, say tennis eg suppose you were to take it up, you would join a club with others who have this interest in common. This may be your solution, not tennis, but something beside blogging which brings you into a circle of people. There’s a bunch of people out there that need Sulz.

    sulz: at least everybody would know the blundermouth’s name than the reserved’s one. πŸ˜‰ besides, you can’t be blundering every time! yes, i’m thinking of taking a language class, but have to wait a few months to settle my finances now that i’m financially responsible! i think i will do that next year. language class. does that sound okay? πŸ™‚

  7. gentledove said:

    Sulz you are a born communicater, that is right up your street, then you could teach others on some level. Good luck πŸ™‚

    sulz: aww, thank you for the compliment and the wish! i’m afraid it’s more in writing than in speaking, though! (and even in writing i have difficulty sometimes to not offend people, especially when writing e-mails to clients… bah).

  8. When I had joined in my deptt I was only female lecturer and I was finding it difficult due to my colleagues’ different mentalities and thinking but slowly over time I concentrated on my work and started talking to them according to their nature. By diplomacy and tact I managed to get along and now its been more than 3 yrs.

    sulz: oh, yours is tougher hands down! but you are probably a tough character yourself. πŸ™‚ how long did it take you to fit in?

  9. We all take our own sweet time to fit into new environments. Some do that really quickly and some take ages. If you think that you are not able to fit in, you can just do your work and come back home and spend time with friends.
    Sometimes we can’t fit in certain places. So bid your time till you find the right place.

    sulz: that’s the thing, amit. i have very few friends outside of work, and those friends can’t be with me as much as i’d like to be. that’s why i feel the need to fit in.

    yeah, i feel like this is not a place where i belong. given time, i would fit in (like a newfound family member who doesn’t quite do the things you do) but only it’s because of proximity, not true conviviality.

    so yes, i will wait… to fit in or go elsewhere.

  10. I was here earlier but then I had to go to a BBQ. Well , I didn’t have to go but I wanted to. I have lots of stuff to say about this post but it is late because I just came home and had a couple of rum and diet cokes so I will wait until tomorrow to post a proper comment. I do know one thing and that is I was a lot like you when I was younger. Now I am old and have actually learned a few lessons. I hope I can share them with you. They are not so profound but who knows maybe they might help. I appreciate your honesty about how you feel. That is the first step to freedom and discovery. Every time I read your comments on someone’s blog I appreciate your intelligence too. Hang in there, life only gets better, if you let it.

    Your friend,

    sulz: hey joan, thanks for stopping by and the compliment! now am wondering what worldly advice you have to offer. πŸ™‚

  11. Goodness, I finally got home so I could comment. I read it twice. I think you have learned something very important about yourself in this experience: that the social environment at work is as important for you as the work itself. That is neither “good” nor “bad”; “right” or “wrong”; just good information which you can then use to help chart your future path. Sometimes we don’t get to learn these things except by trial and error. You wouldn’t have known unless you tried out this job. So, it’s all good, ultimately! πŸ™‚

    sulz: what, you mean that timeshare ranch place had internet access? πŸ˜› you’re right, i really had no idea how much this would affect me. i just assumed that i would fit in, i didn’t expect it to take this long (maybe in a working environment it’s harder to fit in than a studying environment because of work? i mean, you’re paid to do work, unless studying where it’s just your responsibility to do well).

  12. I believe people appreciate your talents, sulz. They just don’t say it out loud. That’s how most people are. Just be yourself, be confident, do what you have to do, don’t look around, move on with your head up, they’ll notice you. Live like a supermodel on the a catwalk. Give ’em hell!

    sulz: yea, people are like that, aren’t they? myself included. πŸ˜€ i really mean more like, i feel like i’m a liability at the company. well, i’m new, but still… i’m thinking about this too much, obviously!

    supermodel, haha!

  13. I have been told over and over that everything can be written down to experience. Learn from each! So, I don’t know, maybe you could pick up some chinese? I know it is a tough language…still learning never goes waste, esp. a language. I am just shooting off here. Your talents are appreciated. Just do your best, you will definitely get the credit for the same.
    If your job still sucks, look for another one! πŸ˜€ I still am, though working on a job that really truly sucks every which way except in pay! πŸ˜€

    sulz: i’m chinese, but can’t speak it. i think in my case it’ll take a very long time before i can master it at a conversational level even. during which, my situation is no better. but i might have to consider that if i’m planning to stay there long-term…

    what’s your job? how can it suck when it pays well. :mrgreen:

  14. I’m really sorry for not commenting sooner, especially because this reminds a bit of how I felt when I started out at Sixth Form. Of course, I spoke the same language as everyone there, so it wasn’t quite so complicated… But I think leapsecond, Edmund and Yella Ojrak’s advice is really good and really worth paying attention to!

    sulz: bobby, you’re never too late, okay? πŸ™‚ well, it’s hard, but i’m trying. i’m not a good conversationalist, as i’ve said, so what work-related question i can come up that i didn’t need my supervisor to help me out with, i’d ask other co-workers. maybe these things take longer than i’d like it to.

  15. i feel like i’m a liability at the company

    I know what you feel, it’s stupid but with most people I know I kept feeling like they were doing me a favor by talking to me, which is stupid in so many ways!

    I am kind of “weird” compared to most people in here, so I can see why they acted sort of strange in my presence… the thing is that right now, I like being weird. So when they seem to be uncomfortable with me, it amuses me. Now, after that happened, I realize that many people are actually very pleased with my company. More than I though.

    I am not sure where I’m going with this, I suppose that I considered the worst consequence = being disliked and having people beg for me to go away so they can return to their cool life. And then I made myself felt amused by this reaction. When the worst possible consequence stops hurting you, then it sorts of disappears of the equation. It’s kinda like exposing yourself to the phobia and laugh at its face. It’s not easy. And I can’t say I’m completely over it… it is just so much better than it was before.

    sulz: yeah, sometimes i wonder if i’m bothering people when i talk to them, so i try to end the conversation quickly, but i think that makes me look like i don’t want to talk to them instead!

    my worst fear is being perpetually alone in company. now that i am, i don’t like it. but sometimes i’m fine with it. sometimes. πŸ™‚

  16. Oh, and after that, I discovered a few other weird people who really liked my company. πŸ˜€

    I am still very attached to the internet though. Turns out the people I have the most in common with are not exactly my neighboors.

    sulz: i think internet is the best way to find company, though not necessarily the best way to have company, if you get me. πŸ™‚ all the same, yes, i definitely feel i have more in common with online buddies mentality-wise, but with friends offline, it’s more of a proximity-brought-us-closer friendship. doesn’t mean we don’t have anything in common, just maybe less than online buddies, perhaps.

    so, yes, attraction knows no boundaries. πŸ˜‰

  17. Yes I guess it helps that I’m a real introvert. I might enjoy the time with the people I know for real, but it’s not the highest of pleasures either. I think sort of like being alone. But, there’s nothing worse than being alone when you don’t want to.

    sulz: yes, i have more than enough alone time at home, that’s why!

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