I probably seem like myself after some rather emotional posts early last month, but I don’t think I’m my happy self. At least, not in person. When blogging, I feel happy. Other than that, I’m at this level where if nothing bad happens, I’m stable. But once the tiniest little thing goes the wrong way, I get very frustrated. I snap, I cry, I repress.
It’s not like the workload at work is piling on. If you noticed, I haven’t really talked about work since the last one about my first week at work. That’s because I realised that it’s not very ethical to be talking about work. The problem is that, work is a big part of my life and it affects me, whether positively or negatively. If positively, I guess I could contain myself from blogging about it, but if it’s not positive…
I feel like I’m repressing how I feel about work and how it makes me feel. It’s not the job; the job is nothing I can’t handle, just a matter of getting the hang of it. It’s the environment that makes me unhappy. I don’t look forward to going to work every single day. I punch in a few minutes later than when I should be in and I punch out the moment the clock strikes six.
I still haven’t managed to fit in, and I doubt I ever will. And because of this, I feel isolated at work. As it is, my job hardly requires me to speak to anybody except the manager and my supervisor. I can’t exactly be making small talk with them if I ever want to do a little chit-chat, can I? The only person who actually talks to me at work is 9. Through text messages. It’s so ridiculous, isn’t it, that the only person who talks to me at work doesn’t even work at my office??
I’m reserved by nature, but I need company nonetheless. I need to enjoy working beside my colleagues, even if they don’t contribute to my job scope. I need to feel belonged. And I don’t there. And that makes me unhappy.
I want to work in a place with like-minded people. People who appreciate my talent(s). People who I look forward to seeing because work isn’t like work when I’m with them. I want to be inspired by my co-workers, to put on my thinking cap and come up with creative ideas or concepts. I want to have brainstorming sessions. I want colleagues who will watch my back, as I will theirs. I want colleagues to share the latest gossip with me. I want to work with people my own age.
When I think back to my previous part-time jobs, the ones I didn’t enjoy were either one-month stints or paid very well but working hours were short. The ones I did enjoy had a minimal wage or a place very far away, but my colleagues made the job bearable. And even if I didn’t feel like working, I looked forward to working with them. When there are no customers, we talked and bitched about one thing or another. We try on the shop’s products. And that’s what I want. I want camaraderie.
My situation is making me stressed. I’ve been snapping at my family more than usual. I don’t feel happy unless I’m in my blog or reading a book. I haven’t been eating very healthily and I’m sitting down far too much for my own good. Yet I feel so horribly tired after work each day.
I crave real friends. (Not that you aren’t real, I mean that I need to hang out with people physically… socialise with people who actually knows the real sulz and what she’s really like… not the quiet wallflower image she has perpetually imprinted on her in new places.) I haven’t been out with anybody except Angel and Sesat. Or alone by myself. The only guys who even give me the time of day is if you happen to be male, reading this and leaving a comment. (Dee doesn’t count.) Not that I’m looking for guys for romantic prospects (well, I am, but not only for that lah!) – I mean, I enjoy being friends with guys because my friendship with them has a different dimension than it is with girls. (Hmm, should do a post on that.)
I feel really pathetic lor!