I finally quit my job! I wish I could have done it in a more dignified manner.
It’s not very dignified to be crying when handing in your notice, is it?
Hmm, nope, definitely not.
You’re going, why the hell were you crying?? You hated the job! Well, not exactly the job, but the environment and the people. Anyway, you won’t miss anything there. Except perhaps the free parking and near distance from home. But even for that you had to endure sexist catcalls from where you park to the office because you have to pass by sleazy, uncouth factory workers.
So yeah, exactly why did you cry for?
I don’t know. I seriously don’t know. For all my life I have problems controlling my tears. I cannot help crying. I’ve read somewhere that crying is a release of toxins; perhaps I have too much, hence the uncontrollable crying? Anyway, it’s not like I went, “Boss, here’s *sniff* my *hiccup* notice *SOB*!!!” I just wiped my tears one too many times when he asked me for the reason I’m quitting.
Sigh, sulz, you’re humiliating AND unprofessional, what’s there left to say, really? (The boss was quite nice about it, though.)
*Exasperated* Okay, so what were you crying about?
Well, he asked me why I wanted to leave, and I said I felt I couldn’t fit in. I also said that I didn’t blame anybody, it just happened to be a mismatch of personalities… I think that was the point where I couldn’t control the tears.
The thing is, I believe it’s nobody’s fault that I couldn’t fit in. It was neither mine nor theirs, just as if you chose to see it from a different perspective it could be my or their fault.
The other thing is, deep down I also believe it’s my fault for not being able to fit in. It really bothered me a lot that I couldn’t fit in. And even worse than it being my fault, I see it as my failure. I guess that’s what made the tears leak.
This reminded me of the time I cried after failing my driving theory test. I was one mark away from passing. I know it’s not a big deal now, but it was so humiliating to be the only one who failed, and one mark away from passing at that! And the lady who was in charge of the centre that holds the test was so mean – she joked that maybe one of the other guys who took the test with me can give a point to me from their marks so that I could pass. The guys actually thought she was serious and wanted to give me even.
Turned out that I didn’t receive the booklet of test questions that I needed to study for the test. (It’s not like I got those marks without studying, though – I borrowed a friend’s booklet, but it was from a different driving centre and it was incomplete.)
So yeah, I guess the waterworks come because of failure. The humiliation of admitting my own failure. Failure bothers me a hell lot.
Oh well, this chapter of my life has ended. I should move forward to the next. I like this article about loss.
October 8, 2008
Emptiness Becomes Openness
Sometimes a Loss Can Be a Gain
When we lose anything that we cherish, the sense of emptiness we are left behind with can be overwhelming. A space that was filled, whether in our lives or our hearts, is now a void, and the feelings of pain, loss, and separation can sometimes be difficult to bear. While it is always important to honor what we’ve lost, sometimes a loss can also represent a chance for a new beginning. When we are ready, the void left by a relationship, a job, or a dream can then be viewed as open space that can be filled with something new: new experiences, new knowledge, new job opportunities, new dreams, new people, and new ways to grow.
There are many ways to weave the threads of loss into a blessing. If you’ve lost a job or ended a relationship, your first thoughts may revolve around filling the void with a similar job or the same kind of relationship. Try not to rush into anything just to fill up the emptiness. The loss of a job can free you up to explore new opportunities, especially if you’ve outgrown the old one. Likewise, the loss of a relationship can give you a chance to rediscover your own interests, explore new passions, and meet different people.
If seeking the good in what seems like a bad situation makes you feel uncomfortable, then try to remember that you are not devaluing what you’ve lost or replacing it cold-heartedly. You are surrendering to the fact that, in life, we sometimes have to let go and allow for what is new to enter into the open spaces created by our losses. In doing so, you are honoring what has left you and welcoming the new into your life with open space, an open mind, and an open heart.
Very timely too.
So, sulz, you’re an embarrassment but it’s okay.