blogging gobbledygook and such

I finally quit my job! I wish I could have done it in a more dignified manner.

It’s not very dignified to be crying when handing in your notice, is it?


Hmm, nope, definitely not.

You’re going, why the hell were you crying?? You hated the job! Well, not exactly the job, but the environment and the people. Anyway, you won’t miss anything there. Except perhaps the free parking and near distance from home. But even for that you had to endure sexist catcalls from where you park to the office because you have to pass by sleazy, uncouth factory workers.

So yeah, exactly why did you cry for?

I don’t know. I seriously don’t know. For all my life I have problems controlling my tears. I cannot help crying. I’ve read somewhere that crying is a release of toxins; perhaps I have too much, hence the uncontrollable crying? Anyway, it’s not like I went, “Boss, here’s *sniff* my *hiccup* notice *SOB*!!!” I just wiped my tears one too many times when he asked me for the reason I’m quitting.

Sigh, sulz, you’re humiliating AND unprofessional, what’s there left to say, really? (The boss was quite nice about it, though.)

*Exasperated* Okay, so what were you crying about?

Well, he asked me why I wanted to leave, and I said I felt I couldn’t fit in. I also said that I didn’t blame anybody, it just happened to be a mismatch of personalities… I think that was the point where I couldn’t control the tears.

The thing is, I believe it’s nobody’s fault that I couldn’t fit in. It was neither mine nor theirs, just as if you chose to see it from a different perspective it could be my or their fault.

The other thing is, deep down I also believe it’s my fault for not being able to fit in. It really bothered me a lot that I couldn’t fit in. And even worse than it being my fault, I see it as my failure. I guess that’s what made the tears leak.

This reminded me of the time I cried after failing my driving theory test. I was one mark away from passing. I know it’s not a big deal now, but it was so humiliating to be the only one who failed, and one mark away from passing at that! And the lady who was in charge of the centre that holds the test was so mean – she joked that maybe one of the other guys who took the test with me can give a point to me from their marks so that I could pass. The guys actually thought she was serious and wanted to give me even.

Turned out that I didn’t receive the booklet of test questions that I needed to study for the test. (It’s not like I got those marks without studying, though – I borrowed a friend’s booklet, but it was from a different driving centre and it was incomplete.)

So yeah, I guess the waterworks come because of failure. The humiliation of admitting my own failure. Failure bothers me a hell lot.

Oh well, this chapter of my life has ended. I should move forward to the next. I like this article about loss.

October 8, 2008
Emptiness Becomes Openness
Sometimes a Loss Can Be a Gain

When we lose anything that we cherish, the sense of emptiness we are left behind with can be overwhelming. A space that was filled, whether in our lives or our hearts, is now a void, and the feelings of pain, loss, and separation can sometimes be difficult to bear. While it is always important to honor what we’ve lost, sometimes a loss can also represent a chance for a new beginning. When we are ready, the void left by a relationship, a job, or a dream can then be viewed as open space that can be filled with something new: new experiences, new knowledge, new job opportunities, new dreams, new people, and new ways to grow.

There are many ways to weave the threads of loss into a blessing. If you’ve lost a job or ended a relationship, your first thoughts may revolve around filling the void with a similar job or the same kind of relationship. Try not to rush into anything just to fill up the emptiness. The loss of a job can free you up to explore new opportunities, especially if you’ve outgrown the old one. Likewise, the loss of a relationship can give you a chance to rediscover your own interests, explore new passions, and meet different people.

If seeking the good in what seems like a bad situation makes you feel uncomfortable, then try to remember that you are not devaluing what you’ve lost or replacing it cold-heartedly. You are surrendering to the fact that, in life, we sometimes have to let go and allow for what is new to enter into the open spaces created by our losses. In doing so, you are honoring what has left you and welcoming the new into your life with open space, an open mind, and an open heart.

Source: DailyOM

Very timely too.

So, sulz, you’re an embarrassment but it’s okay.

Comments on: "I Never Fail To Humiliate Myself :)" (14)

  1. Oh, Sulz, you poor dear. 😦

    How awful for you to go through all that.

    But in addition to lots of sympathy, I want to offer you my congratulations on quitting a job you hated.

    That’s a very difficult, and very sensible, and very brave thing to do.

    There is a great deal of courage, and dignity, in standing there in spite of your tears, while handing in your notice and explaining why to your boss and doing everything else that needed to be done before you could just walk out of that place.

    And while you may have felt humiliated, you were *not* a humiliation to anyone.

    While you may have felt embarrassed, you were *not* a embarassment to anyone.

    (And while, no, crying at the office is not considered professional, special circumstances like handing in ones notice make it not strictly unprofessional, either.)
    (And if anyone says otherwise, I will (virtually) punch them in the (virtual) nose.)

    This was not a failure, you did not fail – you *succeeded* at doing what was best for you and your career, even though it was a very scary and difficult thing to do.

    And while there is loss here, there are also gains. You now know what kind of a place you *don’t* want to work at, and what kind of things make you feel that you don’t fit in. You know that you are tough enough to get through a day like today.

    (And you even know that you can endure – with dignity – catcalls from sexist-idiot factory workers. πŸ™‚ )

    So you have my very sincere sympathy, Sulz, and also my very sincere congratulations.

    – Evelyn

    (PS. You also have my unprompted recommendation for a good long cry, a good hot bath, and as much chocolate as humanly possible.)

    sulz: *hugs* thank you very much for the kind and reassuring words, evelyn. πŸ™‚ it was really hard to do it because i hated letting the boss down – he waited for me for 2 months because i went to macau after the interview. he hoped to have me on a long-term basis and my superiors told him my performance was good. (but it was said superiors who are part of the reason i was leaving – i had a feeling they didn’t like me very much.) yes, i definitely know what is my priority in choosing a job now. before this, i didn’t know what i would like to do and was worried about that.

    oh, i lost that dignity yesterday when i screamed at them for doing that. which is obviously the thing they were looking for because the catcalls increased, sigh. well, i don’t have to endure it any more!

  2. If it makes you feel better, I failed my driving theory test by *two* marks and cried from the center all the way home. My poor driving instructor–who good thing was a nice old man–kept saying “don’t cry, don’t cry, you can try again…” that and there were two boys in the car with me didn’t make me stop crying despite feeling horridly embarrassed about it!

    sulz: omg, you too?? yes it makes me feel better. πŸ˜› look at us now, part of the driving menace society of malaysia! πŸ˜†

  3. (Hugs right back to you, Sulz. πŸ™‚ )

    When you’re leaving the job you’ve just quit, feeling horrible (and perhaps not not loking quite your best), choking back tears, on the edge of complete emotional collapse – that is *the absolute best time* to yell and scream and curse at those stupid cat-calling idiots that you’re never going to have to endure again.
    (Hey, you might as well yell at somebody, and it might as well be them. πŸ™‚ )

    (BTW, may I start a Way-The-Heck-Northeastern Chapter of the Driving Menace Society of Malaysia?
    I just barely passed my driving test, but only by one bare little point – and that was probably because the testing officer didn’t want to risk ever having to ride with me again πŸ™‚ ).

    sulz: indeed! πŸ˜› haha, i’m sure you’re a very competent driver! i wonder how it’s like driving in the us – being on the right side of the road and all that. (we drive on the left here!)

  4. I never knew that the situation was that bad. Now that the incidence is behind you, take a few days off and cheer up.
    What happens, happens for the best. Maybe, a few months down the line, you would be able to see the good in it. πŸ™‚

    sulz: well, ‘hate’ is a strong word and probably used at the heat of the moment… but i was quite unhappy there for sure. yup, i have 3 days before i start my new job. i will be busy doing my personal projects and cleaning up the pig sty that is my room! πŸ˜†

    i hope so too. i hope i made the right decision! πŸ™‚

  5. I was wondering if you’d come to this, because I knew that you should. I could see it from the beginning but i didn’t want to say anything lest it become a curse.

    Yes, if the fit was that bad, you should seek something better because you deserve better and, thanks to the internet, you can find it. You can find a job in a company that won’t demean you and that will enrich you. You are a multilingual, multifunctional person with international connections and if I find something I’ll send it your way in a flash because I know you’re a person of high standards and fierce work ethic.

    sulz: oh wow, i thought you were gonna post something sarky for a moment. πŸ˜‰ thank you for the sincere comment! yeah, i found the new job through a jobsearch site. oh no, i’m hardly multilingual in my country – speaking two languages is not multilingual here, bah. aww, thanks for the vote of confidence! *hugs* unfortunately (the last i heard) paypal doesn’t work in malaysia! πŸ˜₯ otherwise i could do paid blogging. πŸ˜›

  6. Awwww *hugs* Its ok ..maybe tears come easily to u. If I start crying its like flood gates are opened πŸ˜€
    Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.
    ~ Confucius

    So I m sure u have taken the right decision. No use working where one is not comfortable and happy. Comfort and happiness are prerequisites for efficiency at work.
    Congrats on new job.

    sulz: thanks for the hug! πŸ™‚ yes, i’m a total sucker for anything remotely touching, sigh. which means i cry reading books or watching tv.

    thank you – i hope comfort and happiness awaits me there!

  7. I never realised how bad your job was. I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t go how you wanted it to, but I think you definitely made the right choice moving on.

    I also think you shouldn’t beat yourself up over your supposed “failure”. You said it yourself: it’s nobody’s fault you couldn’t fit in (well, except maybe those factory jackasses near the car park). I mean, you didn’t even speak the same language as your co-workers, and that’s not something you can blame yourself for! And all people are different. That’s not your fault; it’s not even a bad thing.

    sulz: i’m very sorry too! perhaps things could’ve been different if i chose to approach it differently. then again, perhaps not? well, that’s a chapter ended there so hopefully it will be a lesson learnt the next time i encounter a similar situation. πŸ™‚

  8. i share the same sentiments. sometimes i would cry out of the blue and for no reason at all. i noticed it is likely to happen whenever i’m alone. so now, i try as much as i possibly can to go speak with my seatmate from work as often as i can, making brief comments like would you like to join me in my break? or in a rather fully crowded room to catch an eye to anyone staring at me and smile invitingly as i approach and say it’s quite noisy in here right? just probably to catch a conversation. this has worked for me after a while that i was spending my one hour lunch breaks alone and would shy myself away in a crowded places. i try to open myself and let someone new in and who knows? this may be a friend i may treasure for the rest of my life… i was tired of isolating myself from others just because i think i may not be good enough for them or they may be too good for me to handle. if they accept the uninvited smile…there goes the brigde to a prospect friendship…if not … then maybe i can look for another one who will smile back at me…=>

    sulz: thanks for the advice. πŸ™‚

  9. Hey … Hope you are doing okie!

    Being at a place where you fit in is so important, and it will make work slightly fun πŸ˜‰ ( work is never fun, right?)

    I am sure you did the right thing, and now you can look out to do something better where you are comfortable.

    sulz: i’m fine now, thanks! πŸ™‚ i actually didn’t mind the work – it wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t something i hated to do either – but the fact that i didn’t had people i could talk to there really brought me down.

    i think there are lots of ways i could’ve approached the situation. while i did do something about it, whether it’s the right one remains to be seen! but i sure hope i did. πŸ™‚ i’m looking forward to the new job, definitely!

  10. *hugs* Nothing wrong in some tears. Well, you are off to a new job. All the best wishes coming your way!
    I used to be one of those who never cried for anything…even now, books/movies nothing moves me; but life certainly does and I cry…. a lot!! 😦 I hope you enjoy your new job and it makes up for the old one and much much more πŸ˜€

    sulz: *hugs back* it is in a professional setting! 😦 yup, time to move on and looking forward to it!

  11. oh ! so you left your job! hey you need not cry for that , besides if i would have been at your place i would have consoled myself by saying “that job was not worth for me, i am made for something special and extravagant”
    i know i may sound a little dreamy but its okay! after all the show must go on!
    and yes i too cry a lot! since my childhood i have never been able to control my tears ….maybe its good if you let your emotions flow freely and it might give you some relief…….so its absolutely fine πŸ˜€

    sulz: of course i needn’t, but my stupid uncontrolllable tears think otherwise! i’d much rather have let my emotions flow freely in the bathroom. 😦 is it something in our oestrogen? but oh well, it’s already happened!

  12. might be….but its fine..such is life……you move on with the hope that there is something better in store for you πŸ˜€
    so just cheer up and i wish that you get a much better job! πŸ™‚

    sulz: yeap, i definitely hope that. thank you! πŸ˜€

  13. Hey, that was quick, in and out, I remember a month or two back queuing for your first paycheck treat :-).

    Anyways, from what I can comprehend, I guess, from here it could only get better, I mean your next job!

    But the crying part was a little funny (apologies for being mean, but it really was!!), I guess you are blaming yourself a little too much!!

    sulz: yeah, i don’t see myself enduring what i had, anymore! more like stupid, but yeah, why else would i use the word ‘humiliate’? πŸ™‚

  14. […] the last time when I felt I was a failure for quitting and not being able to fit in the office envir…, this time I’m not blaming myself. This time, I truly believe I don’t fit in in any […]

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