I seem to have lost my blogging mojo. Posts of late are uninspiring and unhappy. Not to mention too self-centred. I used to get about 20+ comments, now getting 10 is quite a feat. Familiar names before are not around anymore.
Back in college, I wrote more thoughtful posts. I guess it’s true then that the purpose of going to college is to teach you how to think. I certainly was more philosophical then – not that I’m that philosophical to begin with – than I am now.
Maybe working life takes too much out of me. I’m constantly worrying if I can do something without making the same mistakes again. It’s easy to tell myself, calm down, don’t worry over something that hasn’t happened yet, but that is the nature of my new job. I am supposed to think ahead so that things will run smoothly.
I have to choose the right words all the time, in print and in conversation with everybody. In print, I must choose the right words so that I can make something negative sound positive and flawless instead. In conversation, I must be diplomatic and cheerful so that I don’t offend clients, bosses or designers.
The problem is this: I don’t have time to do them all properly.
That sinking old feeling is back. Instead of enduring days of stiff, work-related conversation and mostly being by myself, now I feel a constant pressure to perform, even when I’m not at work. And when I feel pressured, I most likely have problems with uncontrollable tears…
Now this constant pressure is so debilitating that I can’t even blog my frustrations. This post took me the entire weekend to compose. I am just so tempted to quit blogging for the moment, just as I am feeling about this job.
But I can’t keep running away from anything when it gets tough, can I? Yet at the same time, I really hate the way I feel about life right now. It has always been my instinct to do something about a situation I don’t like – get out of it or go through it. The former is always the most refreshing prospect of all the options I can find in a dilemma. It is very difficult to choose to stay put in a situation that makes you unhappy, when you know you can leave, and there are other tempting job offers to take up.
Being strong is so hard.
ps. Comments turned off because I don’t know what to say to anyone.