blogging gobbledygook and such

1. My computer has broken down. Or rather, the monitor – or is it the graphics cards – has conked out. While I get it repaired, I thank my lucky stars that I have my own computer at work! Although it seems even older than my own computer, which I had since I was 15 – I mean, the work computer still uses Windows 98…

2. I’m not doing too well in building relationships with my colleagues. I’ve said before that I’m quite hopeless with making friends. It took me over a year to have my own set of friends in college, and even that I still flitted back and forth between these two groups of cliques because I didn’t really fit in either. It’s difficult for me to find a common source of interest other than office gossip, but there’s only so much you can talk about it. I follow my colleagues to lunch, they mostly speak in Cantonese about things I don’t know about or have little interest in, so I just listen. When I try to make small talk, it often leads to dead ends. As the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day, but in the meanwhile, I’m waiting and wondering if Rome will ever be built at this rate.

(Should I rename the title to Downdates?)

3. I think my constant moaning about my work situation is not entirely about work or what’s related to it, but rather my overall sense of dissatisfaction in life. Back in college, I knew I had a good thing going on and I concentrated on appreciating the days I had left with my friends and alma mater. At the same time, there was a kind of goal to achieve: I would go embark on my first overseas trip for one month, I would go on to graduate with a CGPA I’m proud of, and I would begin my first job.

But now that these are all done and dusted, I feel as if my life has no direction, which might explain why I keep thinking of changing jobs. I guess I thought that I might somehow find my ‘path’ when I do something altogether new…

Is this supposed to be what people call the quarter life crisis? I need some sense of direction, a goal to achieve, but I don’t know if self-made goals will do the trick. I mean, all my life my goals are not something I chose to achieve – going to Macau was something I felt I should do (but of course I wanted to as well) because it’d have been an opportunity wasted if I didn’t; graduating is something I had to go through as a result of my degree; and starting my first job is another rite of passage – I did it ‘cos I had to. Doing my Masters degree was out of the question then as the semester began when I was in Macau, and I didn’t want to dabble in part-timing while waiting for the next semester.

I could try making personal goals to achieve so I have something to look forward to in future. But what? If I had a longtime boyfriend, maybe marriage could be on the cards. If I were working in a large corporation, I could climb the corporate ladder. If I had a practical dream, maybe I could write a book or start my own business.

The trouble is, I don’t know what I want. I do know one thing, though: I don’t want to do it alone.

I’d like to achieve something with someone, sometime in the future, somewhere…

Comments on: "Updates (and a little daydream)" (13)

  1. Oh yeah, this is my first blog post done during work. That’s got to be some kind of blogging achievement, right? ๐Ÿ˜‰ Not to mention entering an unchartered territory of work unethics!

  2. The whole quarter like crisis thing is an interesting concept. I’ve been on the whole ‘self made goals’ trip for the last couple of years and it never feels like enough. Achieving socially accepted goals never felt like enough either. I’m starting to think that its a product of the age we live in as much as the age we are…nothing ever feels like a big enough achievement for some reason.

    sulz: i know! i think this year i’ve done more than i did the previous 2 years, yet i don’t feel like they’re such a big deal after having done them… i think we might be too dismissive of our accomplishments? ๐Ÿ˜›

  3. thebeadden said:

    Sulz (hugs)

    Goals are great. They can change at anytime but can give you something to look forward to. I have to have them, even if they don’t pan out. I guess they are more wishes than anything…

    Don’t wait around to make your goals with that special someone, just change them or include him when the time comes. Besides, you can only be responsible for your own happiness, even when that other half comes into the picture.

    It’ll happen… ๐Ÿ™‚

    sulz: yes! i have lots of wishes but somehow they don’t seem like real accomplishments. what i meant was that i’d like to do something with someone, doesn’t have to be him – like setting up a business with a friend or something. ๐Ÿ˜‰ somehow, i think it’s more of a goal when i do something with someone, rather than doing something just for myself.

  4. Sulz, sulz, sulz. Set personal goals for yourself, and don’t worry about the System setting goals for you. You want direction in your life? Then make it your goal to talk to your coworkers more, hopefully building relationships.

    Don’t just sit at work (or at home!) complaining about life having no direction, because (and here’s the beauty of life), you set your own goals now. You’re a working adult, and you ultimately decide what you want to be or do in life. Set goals, no matter how simplistic they may seem, and act to achieve them.

    You say, for example, you need a longtime boyfriend to contemplate marriage. But to get a longtime boyfriend, you need to first get a boyfriend. So, how does one get a boyfriend? You have to meet more guys. You need to stop looking so far in the future when you’ve yet to take action – in this case, it doesn’t seem like you’ve pursued any men (of course, you may keep that private. I’m not sure.). If you want a boyfriend, you have to start small and LOOK for one first.

    If nothing else, ask yourself what you really want and act on it. Yes, you’ve said you don’t know what you want, but you do – it’s very likely you’ve dismissed your hopes and dreams as unreachable and irrational. Push that aside and at least ATTEMPT to reach them, and THEN you can find out whether they were irrational or not.

    sulz: haha, okay, i hear you. i have to really think what goals i want to have, though. i don’t really see the point of simple goals – seems like glorified desires!

    as for the boyfriend bit, i don’t think i’m ready to have one despite wanting one. the last attempt didn’t go too well! i’ll concentrate on something more self-centred. ๐Ÿ˜†

  5. Directionlessness is a horrible feeling, isn’t it? I think it’s important to aim for something, even if you’re vague about the specifics of it. Set yourself some goals, whatever they might be.

    Sorry about the computer, that sounds like a pain.

    sulz: yeah, it’s that typical what’s the point of life? feeling. maybe my state of computerlessness will be a good time to reflect on this! ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Oh Sulz. I guess we all do cross the same path some time in our life when we can’t decide what we want to achieve and what we haven’t. Same thing for me. I sometimes feel I am yet to accomplish many goals. So far, the only thing that is keeping my spirits high is self-motivation. You do not have to wait for that special someone to create your goals. Friends come, and go but it takes a lot of self-love to achieve whatever you aim for in your life. Before you love someone, learn to love yourself ๐Ÿ™‚

    BTW, I’ve added your blog on my blogroll ๐Ÿ™‚ Keep writing, and I don’t believe you have few friends. At least in the blogging world, you do have many ๐Ÿ˜‰


    sulz: self-love, can that be a goal? ๐Ÿ˜€ nah, i don’t want to get a big head. ๐Ÿ˜›

    will do likewise soon (time for lunch now, hehe). yes, i do have more friends online than i do offline! doesn’t sound very good, does it? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

  7. I hope your computer is fine now. I agree with leapsecond’s advicew wholeheartedly. And I think u should take one day at a time. Set short term goals. Long term goals and planning are boring!

    sulz: it is now and i’ll tell you how in the next post! ๐Ÿ˜‰ but i like the planning and stuff! it makes me feel like i’m really gonna have to do it after planning for so long. part of the investment and all that. ๐Ÿ˜€

  8. Gee, I haven’t commented here for so long. All this while while my mother wasn’t happy, I wasn’t there to say anything. I’m sorry mom. Go ahead, spank me. I know you wanna. ๐Ÿ˜›

    Anyways, good luck with the computer. Btw, quite a lot of offices prefer using Windows 98 and Windows 2000 Server because they’re sturdy and setting up networking is easy. However, it’s high time they changed.

    Goals, I don’t know. I’ve never had any. I used to study when I was younger because I wanted to become an engineer. It wasn’t my goal though. My parents wanted me to become that. I failed that one. And now also, I don’t have a goal. I’m pursuing college and maybe I’ll do an MBA but I really don’t know what I want to do with my life. And that will probably be the reason why I’ll not be successful. But it isn’t like I never tried. I’ve wondered about life so many times. But have never come to a conclusion.

    sulz: welcome, newbie! oh wait, you look familiar, you look like my long-lost son… *slaps forehead* oh, it is you! :mrgreen:

    i really had good luck with the computer! oh yeah, our computers are connected to each other to enable easy sending of files from editors to designers.

    hey, now’s the time in your life you don’t have to think about goals because you can’t achieve them immediately anyway. but if you want to, then you have plenty of time to decide what you want out of life – that’s what college it about besides partying and girls. ๐Ÿ˜‰ it’s people like me, who has the power to do something s/he wants now, that needs to decide!

  9. Maybe it’s just me, but I find this introspection of yours inspiring. It shows you care about making a difference in the world, and you needn’t rush into anything.
    As for relationships—I don’t really know what to say. From my point of view, they come along in their own time; I don’t really worry about them. But, if you are with people all day long, I can see how it could be a concern.
    Just keep thinking, and holding out for the FEELING of doing what gives you joy!

    sulz: why, thank you! yes, i want to do something personally meaningful but hopefully affects others too, in positive ways, and i definitely don’t rush into things! no spontaneous streaks with the exception of agreeing to dinner dates in the last minute if asked occasionally. ๐Ÿ˜€

    i agree about relationships happening without necessarily making it happen – it feels more meant to be that way. ๐Ÿ™‚ but will that time come faster! (hmm, what happened to my ‘i don’t think i’m ready even though i want it’ declaration?)

    i’m still thinking of what i want to do…

  10. the last two sentences you wrote really echoes what is going on in my mind right now….

    guess everyone goes through quarter life crisis…eh?

    sulz: hope you’ll figure out what you want in time. ๐Ÿ™‚ nah, i don’t believe everyone goes through that… i mean, do you think paris hilton ever has that problem? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  11. David Levy said:

    Hey you!

    I’ve not commented on here in a while, but today I feel compelled.

    My advice – for what its worth – is not to set yourself such grandiose targets.

    Start small. It’s not about doing something, somewhere, with someone – there are a million and one obstacles in the way before you get to that point. Also, indicating you want to do it with ‘someone’ means you’ll have to factor in someone else’s opinions and desires…

    My advice is to set yourself the SMALLEST of targets to start. Make your first target… engaging in a private conversation with one work colleague. Tick it off your list (mentally or literally) and then allow yourself to feel good about setting yourself something and then actually completing it. Then, set yourself another small target, and another, and another.

    Trust me, it works. When we’re disatisfied, we often dream of a world away from our own, and it is possible to change it, but going slow is the key.

    Good luck! ๐Ÿ™‚

    sulz: hey, it’s nice to hear from you! you have a good point… i still think it’s not for me, though. however, i’ve found a goal i want to achieve that’s neither too impossible to achieve nor is it too far away… so perhaps it’s a bit of a small goal and a bigger one at the same time? ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. paris hilton??? ofcourse !! why else do you think she went through the whole p0rn0 stage? oh wait, what age was that at again? ๐Ÿ˜›

    haha, i’m sure everyone does, just at different levels and in different ways.

    sulz: yeap! ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. David Levy said:

    Don’t write something off! It’s clear that you feel you need to break from the patterns that currently hold you where you are.

    Be brave!

    And yes, the smaller goals are always a way of working to the larger ones…

    sulz: alright, point taken! ๐Ÿ˜‰

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