Awards & Lessons

I’ve been awarded the first two awards by Reema and the last one by Apar. Thank you so much for the recognition! *hugs* I love to blog like how I love to eat, and blog awards are like meals out in a fancy restaurant with good company. You can never have too many of them! 🙂

Now, I’d like to pass these blogging equivalent of meals out with friends. The cup award recognises consistent volume in blogging and for that, I think BobbyG deserves this trophy. The butterfly award is for the coolest blog, and I think TheBeadDen epitomises cool in craft blogging! The proximity award rewards bloggers who are not just on the lookout for quality posts, but truly care about the blogger behind the words. For that, I think MusEditions is the most suitable winner!

Update 17 December: Kiran gave me this really cute friendship bracelet, which I like very much! Terima kasih, Kiran. 😀

And now, I’m going to take Reema’s suggestion about a blog post and write about 10 lessons I have learnt this year.

1. Patience
I’m very impatient by nature and despite knowing that, I’ve given in to my impatience many times this year. I’ve lost relationships, some as a result of those situations. While some aren’t big losses in my life, I cannot continue my ways.
Lesson learnt? No, I have to attend remedial classes for this chapter in life.

2. Communicating
This is another lesson I have trouble learning. I know that communicating is the best way to improve a tense situation between two people, but I’m scared to do it every time I think I should. When this happens, I get passive aggressive and make the situation worse. I feel as if being the person who does the approaching first may be asking for trouble, but being passive aggressive is no way to go about a situation either.
Lesson learnt? No, remedial classes for this too.

3. Perseverance
I feel I am going through a test of this right now at work. I didn’t pass this test with my first job, when I quit for this job. Now, I also feel like quitting this job too because I don’t think I have a knack for it and there seems to be better prospects elsewhere. I know if I give in to those feelings, I could very well be wrong because I have not fully given it a chance. I would think working at it for a year seems like a good enough amount of time, but if I do decide that I feel as if I’m going to waste one year discovering what my instinct has already told me to be true.
Lesson learnt? Uncertain, ongoing test presently and results will be known later.

4. Faith
I have far too little faith in myself and my abilities. This was clearly evident when I went for the interview of this job, thinking that I would never make the cut for the other job that I wanted. If I did, I wouldn’t be in this job and life would’ve been a different path…
Lesson learnt? No, remedial classes.

5. Confidence
It is the same problem with my confidence as it is with my faith. Right now, I think I suck at my job but I know I have not been at the job that long and the suckiness is in direct comparison to that editor I replaced, which I know is not fair because he had worked far longer at the job than I did. But I also don’t know where I stand in my boss’s eyes because he has not offered any feedback. I do plan to ask him when I find a good moment, though.
Lesson learnt? No, class still ongoing but probable chances of having to attend remedial classes.

6. Fear
Many lessons above I have plenty of trouble with are a result of my poor foundation in dealing with fear. When I fear the worse, I run away. I change job, I change friends. When I feel sad, I buy things, I eat food. I do these things because I feel as if I cannot fix the bad things happening. I’m not saying I can if I try, but maybe I should go ahead and face the music for some situations. At least I can’t be faulted for destroying my life through attempts of defense mechanism for my self-protection.
Lesson learnt? No, you have not passed this class for years.

7. Goals
This is actually a new lesson to me. I’ve just only realised how goal-free my life has been. That’s because I didn’t need any goals. My path in life was set in stone going to school. I just needed to get to the next level to complete my education, from primary to secondary to Form Six to college. I have limited choices to make, such as whether I want to enter the arts or science stream. For college, my course was a done deal when I aced the college interview; I had no real choice to make in this. Now that I’m a truly independent adult with no school to finish, I am free to set any goals I want. But I don’t know what I really want.
Lesson learnt? No, ongoing presently and unlikely to end soon.

8. Happiness
This is a lesson I can never pass, I think. I know what makes me happy: hanging out with friends, doing a good job at school or work, having a boyfriend. I could never be truly happy because I depend on external factors to make me happy. I know that is wrong, because I must find happiness within myself, as what all those self-improvement sites tell me, but I don’t know how to do that. It’s not that I hate myself, it’s that I really enjoy the company of people who like me and I want to be in constant contact with them. Does that mean I dislike my own company so much that I have to be with people? I don’t know.
Lesson learnt? I suppose not…

9. Love
Sigh, I’m sure by now there’s no need to guess how well I’m doing in lessons of life… this is no different, of course. I love many people, but I also do not take time to show them that, especially my family. I also have trouble letting go people who used to love me. Why can’t I move on? Either because I desperately hope deep down they still love me or because I have not found a replicate love in other people and I go back to remind myself of how that love felt.
Lesson learnt? I don’t think I have to ask this.

10. Destiny
I’m not sure if this is a proper lesson, as I never really believed that my destiny is planned by the powers that be, but more as a result of the choices I make in life. The problem now is that I have trouble putting down roots. At school, there was no way out because I had to complete my studies (I didn’t have any particular burning to be doing anything else either, so no excuse to quit that). With work, I’m not tied down to contracts and am free to leave within one day’s notice. (The probation will be up soon, though.) This kind of freedom makes me itch to run, especially with my commitment-phobic nature of running away when things get difficult. I also think I have limitless options right now – the world is my oyster! Hate my job? There’s another one I could try! It also makes me feel good when I get accepted for another job, because it’s proof that I’m wanted and believed to have potential. But if I keep running away, I’ll always be the one who had the potential but never truly fulfilled.
Lesson learnt? Class ongoing.

This year has been one of the most difficult years of my life (the second most difficult was when I was 16) because I’m attending the School of Life, where lessons are to be repeated over and over again if you keep making the same mistakes.

I’m sorry for the tinge of sadness in this post, especially since it’s supposed to be a happy occasion when I hand out blogging awards to blog buddies. It’s not like I don’t already know I have problems within myself – this is just the first time I gave it a tangible place besides my mind. If you have thoughts on this, I’d like to hear it. (May I ask for your thoughts to be nicely worded? I would appreciate that a lot, thank you.)