This is without a doubt one of my, if not the, most difficult years of my short life. In this year alone I:
1. graduated after 3 years of college, my best education experience ever.
2. went to Macau for one month as a graduation trip of sorts.
3. started my first full-time job.
4. quit said job exactly two months later.
5. nearly became a teacher but didn’t.
6. started my second full-time job with lots of problems.
7. was in an on-off online relationship in between some of the above mentioned.
8. lost (not through death, but circumstances) people I care about.
Basically, it was an eventful year for me, most of which was not in a good way, to put it simply!
What have I learnt about myself this year?
1. I learnt that bad situations bring out the worst in me.
2. I learnt that I don’t let go easily despite knowing that I should.
3. I learnt that I am not loving myself the way I should.
4. I learnt that I am much too bothered about what people think of me still.
5. I learnt that I am still hoping for something that will never happen.
6. I learnt that I have so much to learn about myself, what more the rest of what’s there to learn in my world.
I think I accomplished many things on a personal level this year because I couldn’t go back to college. But the ones that stand out to me, the ones that haunt me are the things I failed to achieve. I feel like I need help in my life, but I don’t know who to ask. I don’t think I can ask anyone that because these days you’re supposed to be independent and help yourself, isn’t it?
But frankly, I don’t even know what I want, exactly. But I’ll know it when I see it. Angel would know what I mean – whenever we go shoe-shopping, she knows I’m the fussiest shoe buyer alive but if I see something and I instantly like it, that’s the pair I will be getting. So basically if Life is like that elusive pair of shoes I’m looking for, I have yet to find it still and it’s frustrating the hell out of me because everybody else seems to have their shoes sorted out for the future.
If you’re thinking my ‘shoes’ actually really mean ‘love’, you’re not totally wrong. I am looking for love, but I am also looking for a sense of purpose in life. As a college student, life felt like it was suspended while I enjoyed the rest of the days before life really ‘began’. I had a destination and the end was near, so I didn’t have to worry about where I was going and enjoyed the most of what I had left. Now that life has ‘begun’, it feels like there is nothing else for me to look forward to. That I will be working for the rest of my life, with shopping and reading and blogging to fuel me to keep me going in the rat race. I have the journey, but no destination in sight. I seem to keep on moving and moving, with no place to stop, to reach.
Am I actively doing something to end the search for love and a life purpose? No. So how am I going to accomplish them if I don’t do something about it, you might ask? I’m not doing anything to end (or start) the search because I want these things to happen to me. I do not want to sign up at Match.com. I do not want to go on blind dates. I do not want to volunteer in a non-profit organisation in an attempt to add some meaning to my life. I do not want to quit my job and backpack around Europe in an effort to realise my dreams (yet). I don’t want to do anything in my search because it would feel so contrived. As if I’m forcing them to happen.
I’m sure there are sayings or proverbs out there that goes on about how if you don’t search for something, it will come to you when you least expect it. That’s the approach I’m taking. I don’t want to do anything about the things I seek because to do something would be to expect those things to happen in the something that I do. And when it doesn’t happen it will just disappoint and make me question my judgement. I just hope I know what it is when it comes to me…
Some people might say, enjoy the journey and not worry about the destination – it will come eventually. But I hope 2009 will bring me some direction in my life. I have a feeling blogging will help me in this. 🙂
In the meantime, thank you for reading this, for being my friend, for loving me the way I am even if I drive you up the wall sometimes with my low self-esteem. I hope you will stay my friend in the coming year and beyond, because when it comes to friendship I’m a real hoarder! 🙂 *hugs*
Goodbye, 2008. Please close the door as you leave.