blogging gobbledygook and such

I Left My Brain in College

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while now.

I feel, no, I know my blog has changed over time. I used to write more universal topics. Things that you can relate to and offer your perspective. I used to get really excited when I get inspiration for a topic like that. My fingers would be flying off the keyboard as I frantically try to capture the thoughts swirling in my head, afraid that if I lose concentration for just one second I would lose all train of thought. I could hardly wait for your comments after I hit “publish”. I wanted to hear from like-minded people; I wanted to debate and persuade my point of view if possible.

That was what to me blogging was really about. A place to share my thoughts, wonder about questions in life and hear your two cents, whether I agree or otherwise. I enjoyed the mental stimulation and interaction.

My writings of late have been almost entirely self-centred. What I do, what I feel, what I want, what I don’t want… I love me, of course, but I can feel myself slipping. This probably sounds narcissistic, but sometimes I like the way I write in certain posts. I mean, I actually think the way I phrased some things in my writings are brilliant. I know that’s self-absorbed of me, but this is honestly how I felt. And I felt that way because I actually took the time to think of that phrase. I mean, I actually, really thought my words out properly, instead of the usual brain-to-finger unfiltered titter my writings have been of late.

I feel myself slipping, because I do not feel proud of my writings. Before, I would often read my posts again and again, marvelling at a certain phrase I thought up, or how cleverly I connect my ideas from paragraph to paragraph. I feel embarrassed admitting that narcissistic bit, but it is the truth. I took pride in my writing. Now, when I read my posts, I don’t feel a sense of accomplishment for having capture any train of thought, I don’t feel I write well at all. I write, but I’m not writing well.

I think a reason for that is because I left college. As annoying assignments and quizzes were, they actually stimulated me mentally, as I now realise. Even though I procrastinate most of my homework, the onset panic of not completing them in time put pressure on me, pressure to make something impressive, or at least up to my standards. Because if nothing else, what I hand in is a reflection of me and no one else, so I can only count on myself to do my best. And while I don’t exactly think this way when I hurry to finish my assignments, the knowledge that it’s graded spurred my competitive side. I was one of the better students in class and I intended to keep it that way.

At work, I still feel clueless most of the time. I have ideas, but I’m too afraid to say it because the very few times that I did, they were unsuitable. Besides, nobody takes me seriously because I’m new and barely know what I’m doing. I don’t blame them for not giving any thought to my ideas. I still have a lot to learn, but in doing so I don’t feel I’m given room to grow and try my wings out because this isn’t about me anymore. We have to give the best to our clients and more often than not, I’m the weakest link and cannot contribute towards the ‘best’ our clients demand.

I suppose that will take time, for me to contribute to the creative aspect of my job, but meanwhile, I can feel my brain rotting from the uninspiring drudgery that is my life. I miss the mental stimulation I got in college. I miss the reasoning and justifying I needed to come up with for essays. I miss wondering why. I miss really thinking.

I miss learning in a classroom, where mistakes are actually encouraged so as long as you dared to speak up and no one would think lowly of you for that.

ps. And the irony of the last sentence is that I was one of the quieter students in my class! πŸ˜†

Comments on: "I Left My Brain in College" (13)

  1. Sulz! This is your space. You can write what you want here. If people were not concerned nor interested, they would not bother to stop by and comment, right?
    I don’t know…I would suggest find avenues to get the mental stimulation you feel is lacking. Your blog can be a place where you want to explore that! We are here to read and encourage you. We all make mistakes – don’t we? Yes, at work they are not encouraged…here go on ahead πŸ™‚
    Hope you provide us with mental stimulation as you go through your journey here πŸ˜‰
    You have changed your theme! πŸ˜€

    sulz: i know i can write what i want here, but i am writing too many posts of one sort. i don’t want to keep talking about myself all the time. and yet i am! the irony. πŸ™‚

    clearly i can’t find that in my blog, otherwise i wouldn’t feel this is happening. 😦 i am puzzled by that as writing is a form of mind exercise, yet i do not feel mentally stimulated after writing posts of late. i’m starting to feel this post is pointless even!

    but you have a good point. i am allowed to make mistakes here… at the risk of my pride, but i’m allowed nonetheless. πŸ™‚

    yeah, that’s about the only change i am capable of these days!

  2. I’m sorry you are feeling this way, but you made me smile at one point. You said you will go back and re-read some posts and think some of your writings are brilliant! (As they are!) I do that to, sometimes. I’ll think “I just LOVE this post, and the way I wrote that!” Self-centered, yes, but I wouldn’t have written it at all if it weren’t for the blog, and blogging is all about putting yourself out there.
    So you need mental stimulation? Are there things you could write about from your language class?
    You could perhaps go back through some of those really good posts you wrote and see if there is a similar subject or an update, or something.
    You did have a way of writing then—although I like your writing now, too—I remember one of the first posts of yours I read was about the contents of your pencil box (including candy!). You made that interesting, because you are really a good writer. You just need the subject matter, and to let yourself go! πŸ™‚ I think it was good that you wrote this post, too, because it articulates how you’ve been feeling about your blog, and maybe that will lead you in a direction you wish to go.
    I noticed you changed your theme again. New clothes for the blog! I like this; it’s sophisticated, but still has your flowers. πŸ™‚

    sulz: it’s kinda embarrassing to say that for me still! even though i do it. 😳 maybe i should do that…

    but that was one of my unfiltered brain-to-finger titters! i used to enjoy writing essays in class (once i get the mental gears cranked up!) because of the pressure of grading. i wanted a good grade, and i’d choose a topic i’m most interested in to help me get that. i think i should go back to that post where i asked suggestions for a blog post.

    thanks, but they’re not as pretty as before, huh? gah, i must stop talking about the past already.

  3. Jelly Bean said:

    Unfortunately I think that’s what a lot of us feel. I too have the same struggle, the same kind of mental dullness. I want to write a paper for the annual teaching conference here at my work place but I can’t think of what kind of research I can do. I don’ t think you and I are alone in this. You might ask our other ex-classmates and they will probably tell you the same. I doubt work will ever stimulate the mind the way that university did.

    sulz: so there’s no hope for me?? πŸ˜₯ unless i do a master’s. which is not the same, i think.

    maybe you can do your paper with a colleague?

  4. Many of us write what we feel. Its not only you. And the blog should be your space, reflecting what you think, and how you think. It might be something that no one will understand, but when you write it down, you are giving a person a chance to understand a different type of thinking! Phew !

    See what I mean, i think in very long sentences! πŸ˜‰

    PS: I really love reading what someone thinks about boredom, friends, setting up a room! That is why I am here!

    sulz: long but persuasive! πŸ™‚ i like to talk about my life, but i think i am being negative in too many posts. i suppose i also missed feeling inspired. i forced myself to write this post.

  5. Hello sulz my regards….

    I too like to write about myself but since there is not much to write I avoid it. However I see my fellow bloggers (mostly) write about themselves and their surroundings. I as a reader like to read it. But not many would like to… In my opinion it’s a great thing to have post of both varieties. I mean both, about you (author) and about common things. But then, I as a writer have only one page written about me. In my β€˜About Me’ page ;)So sad that you miss you college days. I too :(. I really liked the point you made which was about, β€˜people encourage you to do mistake’ :). I totally agree.

    Okay… time to leave… BFN.. l

    sulz: hey you! πŸ™‚ maybe you should try writing about yourself. it’s really fun! when you’re not complaining about your life, i mean. πŸ˜› like i feel i’m doing now!

    anyway, good point. i like to read about other peoples’ lives too. you too, huh? if only we could be paid to be students! πŸ˜†

    come back soon, okay!

  6. Sometimes you don’t get enough time. Its the same with me. Job takes so much time that I don’t get enough time to “think” and “research”.

    sulz: and yet you don’t come up with blog posts all about yourself. amazing! πŸ˜‰

  7. thebeadden said:

    I know what you mean, I crave stimulation. Something to spur me on. Now that you aren’t in school, it must be so different for you. You’ll get it back one day.

    Never feel stupid for your suggestions at work, even if they don’t use them. Don’t keep them inside. One day something will give, and you will be glad you shared it. They will be too! Seriously, keep it up and don’t feel bad if they don’t use it. The fact that you are trying and willing to add your ideas is a good thing! Just don’t get down on yourself when they aren’t used. Not every idea will be and I’m sure every person there went through the same thing when they were new. It is just this time you are the new one. You won’t always be though. Jump in, you’ll get your day! πŸ˜‰

    sulz: yeah, it’s very different because i have to start all over again. at college, at least i was taken seriously! of course i have to keep trying but i’ll think twice before opening my mouth and make sure it’s one that matches the boss’s criteria.

  8. oh its okay, change is needed πŸ˜›
    besides it gave us all an opportunity to understand you better as a person πŸ˜›
    i think work sucks up all the energy so you are left with your rants….but its fine with me…..i enjoy reading what you write πŸ˜›

    sulz: thanks for the kind words, arpit! πŸ™‚ work sucks up my physical energy but does not help me release pent-up emotions at all, hence the angsty attitude these days. 😦 fortunately people like you like my writing still, even if i may not!

  9. You know, it is really difficult to come up with really good, universally relevant blog posts. I can’t do it, and I think a lot of people can’t. And when you’re under pressure from work, it’s natural that that would occupy your mind a lot.

    But then, we’re all still here and still reading, so you’re obviously doing something right!

    sulz: but i did before! at least, i think i did. πŸ˜› hehe, good point, thank you! πŸ™‚

  10. Jelly Bean said:

    I dunno… It just sucks. LOL!

  11. oh you are most welcome any day πŸ˜›
    i wrote this post on bidding adieu to my school ….and i think you wanted to see the face behind this garfield….well it will be revealed on the 15 th πŸ˜›

    sulz: why not now?? yes i am very curious. i hope you are not as orange as your avatar!

  12. i understand what you are going through. you know i am new to blogging but even before that i used to write just for myself, that was ocassionally when something i saw or read made me speculate.
    never used to write about myself.. i did have a diary for that, but that was different as that was not shared.

    now that i have a blog i have started to write about myself, the reason is i have started working & the that is all around me. that is what i think about. nothing wrong though, but i too started blogging to feed my brain, to feel stimulated by topics. but i feel it is not that bad yet..

    atleast we have other blogs who do that & we can share our thoughts by commenting on them.

    sulz: what is it with work and narcissism, huh? maybe because work takes so much out of us then the non-working moments we just want to focus on ourselves!

    yes, thank goodness for that! πŸ™‚

  13. oh well you will get to see me how i was right from3 yrs old in school till date πŸ˜›

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