blogging gobbledygook and such

This week, Facebook updates of my friends has mostly been occupied by a former junior in college, who updated her status frequently and put up photos of her class assignment. It was a class I had taken and thoroughly enjoyed. That really brought me back fond memories of college… And then I realise: it’s been about a year since my last official class in college.

I have stopped studying for almost a year now. Studying in a classroom environment sense, that is. I don’t believe one ever stops learning in life, whether they want to or not. Anyway, yes, I am no longer a student for nearly a year now… it certainly doesn’t feel that way.

Have I grown? Am I different? I suppose I have, since I only recently posted something about growing. And I suppose I am different than I was. Then, I was sulz, a girl who’s reluctantly ending her formal education, in love and about to embark on a month-long trip. Now, I am sulz, a girl who has been working for more than half a year, having a part-time job on top of her full-time one and about to embark on her first self-funded, four-day vacation to Bangkok. (Well, the Macau trip was self-funded too, but from the leftovers of my study loan.)

Then, I was afraid of the world because I had so little worldly experience. I was full of anxieties about my inadequacies and afraid of relying on myself because I don’t trust myself and what abilities I had. Now, I feel less afraid of the world. By no means has that feeling gone away, but I learnt that I can do things. Perhaps not as well as others might do but I can do them all the same. When I first started my current job, I was so scared I couldn’t cope with the workload and pressure. Now that I’ve been working there for almost half a year now, I’m doing okay. I may not be as good as some people have been at the job, but I don’t think I’m all that awful at it either.

When you leave your comfort zone, you definitely grow. A lot of my experiences out of college haven’t been pleasant, but now I feel I am different because of it. I feel… empowered. Having a job means I have to work to earn money. And seeing that I am capable of earning money makes me feel valid. Having been through some difficult moments last year and reflecting on the way I chose to handle them, I see that the very reasons they were difficult moments was the fact that I had to do things I didn’t want to do in order to get myself out of the situation. I had to quit my job for the first time and I cried handing in the resignation letter, because I felt so guilty for leaving, despite how unhappy I was working there. I ended things with a guy I had romantic feelings for because I wasn’t getting what I want out of that relationship, and I wasn’t able to give the kind of support he needed. There was a point in time where I regretted doing that because I still had feelings for him despite what had gone on between us. But I know, and even knew then, that what I did was for my own good.

Now, I can tell you that I don’t want the guy back, the way I used to before at one point. I can also tell you that I don’t want to go back to college. Not because I don’t miss it – I do, I miss the friends and lecturers and classes and laughter and mental stimulation – but because I know if I do go back to college now, it won’t be the same. What I’m looking for belongs in the past. I am free to reminisce in nostalgia, but I can never have the same thing I had in college. And I can definitely tell you I don’t want the job I quit back. Even though it was so near my home and parking was free, I hated the banality of the job and I didn’t fit in with the people there. I also hated walking to and from my car because factory workers would be harassing me each time I pass them. That was so not my dream job. (And neither is this current one, but my dream job is out there, I just know it!)

Wow, I really have grown.

Sideways, that is.

Comments on: "It’s Been Almost a Year" (16)

  1. there’s always grad school. haha.

    sulz: i have no confidence in myself about getting a masters degree lah. 😐

  2. lovelyloey said:

    Even though I’m not going to leave studying for at least another 2 years, I’d still tend towards there being 2 of me – one studying me, and one working me. Like they are different people altogether so that it doesn’t mean when I start working I lose the studying side, or change that studying side. It’s just a different person in a different environment. I certainly feel that there’s a different personality coming through when I was working in an office before I started college and after I started college.
    Seems like an easier way to manage my life. πŸ™‚

    sulz: hmm, that’s interesting… as for me, i find that my working self is very similar to my studying self. i like to take things easy, do my work without being rushed… i like to take a more-than-five-minute break often… i probably look as if i don’t take my job/study seriously, but i do give it my best when i complete a task. but between the two sides, my work side is obviously more serious than the study side; after all, working means being paid.

    • lovelyloey said:

      Hm, ya I think that happens. The bit about working side being more serious – I think it’s a lot on responsibility and accountability right? Like if you screw up something it’s not only you, but there a larger consequence. In school, if I screw up an assignment I just sit in a corner and go “oh well. Try again next time.” (and proceed on to go Facebooking).
      I guess this is also when certain people would rather stay in school (even if it means being poorer). πŸ˜›

      sulz: yup, exactly! that’s one of the reasons why i miss college so darn much.

  3. its been almost 2 years for me since i left college. i miss all that but as you said it won’t be the same even if i return.. we do grow.. grow for good.

    sulz: oh i hope so! if i grow for the worse something is wrong somewhere. i’m a little dirty-minded, but that happened way before college anyway. :mrgreen:

  4. Very introspective of you, my dear! It’s good to look back sometimes to see how we’ve grown from our experiences. As someone who was around during some of that unpleasantness last year, I think you have done a good job in validating your decisions. There was a lot of loss, and change, and I wish some things that happened during a time you were very unhappy could have turned out differently.
    You are so busy, right now, with two jobs, but I think work could evolve into a learning environment somewhat like college, and you can bring your learning and teaching skills there.
    I think you have changed over the past year. You are more mature now, but still fun! πŸ˜€ *HUGS* to you on your continuing journey.

    sulz: thanks, muse. πŸ™‚ looking back, i know what decisions i made were right (for me) and what were not (some of the incidents that happened in macau, i’m sure you’d agree). some things were out of my control, but your friendship has been a constant, among others i dearly appreciate! πŸ™‚

    i used to feel the weekends are not enough for me to recuperate from the working week, but ever since the job started i don’t feel so aimless or like the weekend’s been wasted because i didn’t do anything productive. i’m so busy and i’m still a bit tired but it’s like life has more meaning to me now. πŸ™‚ i’m anxious to see what life will bring me next.

  5. Hahaha I LOVED your last sentence!

    sulz: πŸ˜€ it only it wasn’t true!

  6. have no regrets because that makes life worth living than plunging on to past mistakes which cannot be undone
    i am sure you and we all will always remain a student , even if the school ends, but this school of life will end only with us …… keep on learning because there is so little time and so much more to explore and learn
    so till then keep it going and take all your lesson as the first and last one and try to grasp the most because you never know when this school of life can end πŸ˜›

    sulz: learning to me is not something i consciously seek (except for language classes!) cos it just happens. so i just wait for the ‘teacher’ to come in. πŸ™‚

  7. What a year! So much has happened. You have a very busy life!

    Speaking as somebody who can’t stand leaving his comfort zone, I really admire how well you’re coping with life outside college. Well done you, and good luck finding that elusive dream job! πŸ™‚

    sulz: i think so too, especially now! i would never expect that ‘cos i’m a generally lazy person. πŸ˜›

    i’m sure when you come to that bridge you’d do fine yourself. in your case, the college bridge brings so much better opportunities! i won’t be surprised if you blog less when you enter tertiary education life.

    thanks, i hope it’d be soon! *cross fingers* πŸ™‚

  8. Jelly Bean said:

    I agree with you about the part where you don’t feel like going back to college. Sure, it was a great 3 years for all of us, but I don’t really feel like repeating that again either. I guess like you said, we’re just all growing up and moving away. To repeat college again would be something like being stuck in the same kind of mentality and the comfort zone that we’re all so safe in and used to. Grad school is different though… Yet, even for that, I don’t really give a damn whether I go or not. I used to think that it was all I should do but now that I’ve seen reality, I don’t think that having a postgrad degree is all *that* important (it’s mostly overrated anyway!). Wow… Only a year working and that has made all the difference…

    sulz: repeating 3 years again? no way! i think the appeal of going back to college only seems nice when it seems like a short-term thing. make the course go on another 3 years and nobody will want to go back to college if given the chance. hmm, i now appreciate not being one of those who have to extend their graduation by another semester or two.

    i don’t know. if you want to climb up and earn more money, apparently a masters does get you there. but personally, i’m not interested to delve into that part of academia because i’m not intellectual enough by nature!

    • Jelly Bean said:

      It is somewhat required but I don’t see what the hoo-ha is about it – especially when that certain someone is tooting her horn all the freaking time about another freaking piece of paper! (I think you know who I’m talking about) The thing is, it’s not vital to get it and even if you’re in academia, you don’t have to rush headlong into it.

      I would do it sometime in the future but I just don’t want people’s hoo-ha about it to spoil my enjoyment of the program. Being such a nerd, I’m sure I’ll enjoy Master’s very much and I do look forward to it – just don’t ask me to do it now. LOL!

      sulz: i think i know who you’re talking about but what other piece of paper??

      if i ever do a masters, i’d probably do one about literature – children’s, preferably.

      • Jelly Bean said:

        The Master’s is just another piece of paper. LOL! πŸ˜›

        I will be back to do my Master’s in the field of linguistics – I’m too much of a geek not to. I’m thinking stylistics for myself or CDA.

        sulz: a piece of paper that represents a lot of sacrifice done for it! better keep in touch with a certain male dr lecturer then. πŸ˜‰

  9. I have been thinking Grad school precisely for what you have been telling me here. I think I am bored of work, but then I wonder what do I stand to gain from there too. Especially if I am gonna come back to the same kind of job after that!

    So I need to find what I wanna do really and then do the grad school… but I think grad school is definitely int he radar.

    I have certainly grown after graduation, and I need to assess now what I have become.. and what I want to be.

    Sideways 😦 😦 – Same here!

    sulz: i wish you all the best in that search for yourself! i went through that for a while before i found my part-time job at the bookshop. πŸ™‚ i feel like a very different person because of it!

    haha… i wish i can be like my friend, who’s the opposite in this aspect!

  10. Wow. I mean I have 14 days of classes remaining. Come to think of it I’ve spent almost a fifth of my life in college, away from home, and now it’s time to say goodbye. And I think one year down the line I’ll be nostalgic too, for actually living at a place entwines your being to that place more intimately than walking to it, like I walked to school. As for the things you say about your work, I surely would pray for lesser turmoil, both for myself and for you hereafter (Ay, isn’t April 1 almost here?).

    As for relationships, one dear friend of mine had these words for lost love…

    You never stop loving a person. The feeling just slowly fades away.

    I’m so waiting for the April 1 post. πŸ™‚

    sulz: you better enjoy your last days! do crazy things you’ve always wanted to do if you think you can get away with it. πŸ˜†

    i am so waiting to write it that i don’t think i’d be writing anything until that happens!

  11. A nice introspective post. I have come to realise that all of us grow (some more obviously than others – for the sideways thing πŸ˜‰ ) Though seriously, sometimes it strikes us more about how we have grown.
    I feel that you have grown to have gotten yourself working, done quite a few things over the last year. Just reading your posts would tell you that. There is a lot more to come and here is to your sharing that with us πŸ™‚
    You also did make quite a few friends did you not?! Me for eg., πŸ˜‰

    sulz: haha! πŸ˜€ i think we’d all be quite surprised at how different we’ve become through growth if we take a step back and reflect. yet at the same time, i still feel like i’m the same person, funny.

    and yes, i love how going through some life-changing processes that i have made friends along the way. like you! πŸ™‚

  12. Ur post let me think of my college days..its been 5yrs since i attended my last college class….But i enjoy my married life more than college days..hope it will be same for you too πŸ™‚

    sulz: i’m not sure if i’ll even be married! so far things are looking up for me, though. πŸ™‚

  13. “…because I know if I do go back to college now, it won’t be the same.”
    Ummm…don’t know about that…try going to a different college! πŸ˜€

    Iwill never get enough of my “student days”. I did my PG jut for that — i swear — just to be in “college”. It was more fun that UG, made the best friend ever!
    Would love to do it again! Am sure i’ll find another bouquet of happy memories!

    Waiting for the next post (droolin…) πŸ˜€

    sulz: but it’ll be different people and personalities. it could be better, or worse! what’s pg and ug? i would love to do another bachelor’s degree, honestly. too bad i don’t have the funds nor time!

    going to write now!

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