blogging gobbledygook and such

I lost RM600 of my paycheck.

I don’t know how I lost it.

I convinced Dee to get a new cell phone because there was a promotion. We didn’t have enough money, so we drove to the bank to withdraw my paycheck from the ATM. In the car on the way back to the cell phone store, I divided my money. One for M, one for Dee, one for my study loan, and the rest for me. RM600, part of which was to pay for the hotel in Bangkok, which I owe Angel’s cousin for.

I gave Dee his money and my study loan to him, because he helps me pay for it. I kept M’s money in my pocket, and my own in my other pocket.

M’s money was still in my pocket when I reached home and I gave it to her. When I reached for my own money in the other pocket, it’s not there.

It must have slipped from my pocket when I went back to the cell phone store to pay for the phone while Dee waited in the car.

Maybe someone pickpocketed me.

We ransacked the car front to back. No money.

Dee immediately tells me, I shouldn’t have kept the money in my pocket. I shouldn’t have rushed to get the phone. Which was for him. I shouldn’t have everything else. Well, that’s nice, telling me all the don’ts only when my money is lost. How about you thinking about it before something like this happens?

I called the cell phone store to ask if they might have found some money. The salesgirl who attended to me did not see anything. I wanted to get Dee to return to the mall where we bought the cell phone from and ask around, the information counter maybe. I changed my mind and told him not to waste his time. Whoever finds RM600 will not want to return it.

RM600 of my hard-earned money gone forever.

I haven’t got money from my bookshop job, but when I do I’ll have to pay Angel’s cousin back with it. I hope it will be enough.

I don’t blame Dee. I shouldn’t blame myself because I didn’t set out for this to happen – you’d think that keeping the money in my pocket would be safer than my purse, and M’s money in the other side of the pocket was intact –  but I do. I was careless. I should’ve given Dee the money while I went to the shop. I should’ve checked my pocket more often to make sure the money was still there.

It’s my own fucking fault.

I haven’t bought next month’s parking pass. RM100.

We’re supposed to have Movie Night this Sunday.

I’m supposed to meet up with my ex-classmates for sushi next Saturday.

There’s a book sale I wanted to go to in two weeks’ time.

I wanted to treat my parents to this seafood restaurant because they’re having a promotion.

I haven’t mailed the souvenirs I’ve got from Thailand for my blogging project.

I feel I ought to punish myself for my expensive mistake. I don’t want to be given money out of sympathy. I don’t want to be given a paycheck in advance. I don’t want freebies. I just want to kill myself. Well, not literally. I just want to beat the crap out of myself for being so stupid, but since I don’t do physical self-mutilation, I’m sure there are ways to do that to myself emotionally. I’m probably doing it right now.

Today was the only day in a long time where I didn’t have work at the bookshop or the full-time job. I thought it could be a relaxing day.

It hurts so much.

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