I type this now from the office, feeling very unjustified. I’m probably not as unjustified as I feel, but I do have the tendency to overreact at the height of my emotions.
Today, the boss has given me two new assignments. Actually, the last few assignments have all been passed to me. From a workload perspective, it is not heavy as it is a slow period in the office right now. It is nothing I can’t manage.
However, this means that I have been doing the bulk of the work from the editorial side as the other colleague has only received a couple of new assignments, compared to my four or five new ones. This upsets me because the colleague is going on leave soon (some of you would know why) and I don’t understand why can’t the colleague get a fairer share of the assignments. The project may not be completed by the time the colleague is due for leave but I don’t see why should that factor be a problem in assigning projects because I can take over them, just as I will likely have to with her other currently assigned projects.
I feel it’s not fair because this colleague is of a senior position to me and yet I have been doing more work since the last couple of months. When it was an extremely busy period for me at work at one point, this colleague had no ongoing projects and just did nothing while I was stressing over the completion of my part in the projects. No offer to help me and the boss did not even think about that.
I felt I should speak up. I tried to casually ask the boss, but of course I failed miserably because I am not good at hiding my emotions and ended up sounded very agitated instead, which is what I’m feeling right now. He was obviously caught off-guard, and gave me a reply which I was not satisfied with. I can’t possibly say that, so I muttered, “Oh, okay. I just feel it’s unfair…” I’m pretty sure he heard it but he did not turn around to reply.
I won’t blame you if you think that was quite some cheek from me. I don’t mean it to come out like that, rude and ungrateful. I want to express my unjustified feelings but I don’t know how to do that diplomatically.
I feel this way because I, on my part, had gone out of my way to make things easier for the company with my resignation. I agreed to stay back one month longer than I should – one month of less pay than if I were to begin immediately at the bookshop – and also offered to do part-time until the colleague comes back from leave. Yes, I did that voluntarily on account of my conscience, because I don’t want to leave irresponsibly.
It’s not the workload that I’m upset about, it’s the fairness of it all. I’m being paid far less than my senior colleague, and yet I am given the bulk of the work on the account that the projects may not be completed in time with the colleague’s going away. I feel taken advantage, unappreciated and unacknowledged.
Don’t turn this around to say that my being assigned so many projects is an indication that I’m good at the job and that you believe in my capabilities. I don’t buy it because I’m not giving this job my all. (Not the way I am with the bookshop.) I’m doing a half-assed job of everything at work now and you know it (edit: actually I don’t, I just presume he thinks that way because I know I’m not putting my heart into my work). My previous write-ups have been heavily edited by you (despite trying my best with my writing still), so don’t tell me I’m good at the job when you rewrite practically everything I wrote.
My heart has never been in this job. I can’t wait to leave this fucking place.
I’m calmer now as I type this, even though I still feel unjustified. Maybe there are things my boss is dissatisfied with me that I don’t realise. Life doesn’t revolve around me, I sometimes forget… But I am entitled to feel what I feel, whether they are right or wrong (because they can be right or wrong depending on the perspective you focus on). And this is my way of expressing myself. I have a lot of anger issues (another post-worthy topic, some day) and I almost always feel relieved, if not better, after penning my frustrations down somewhere.
Just now the boss asked me to hand over one of the most recent and easiest project to the other colleague because he’s planned for me to do another project. I don’t know if it means he heard my gripe and decided to do something about it, but at least I’m not the one doing every damn thing on the editorial side now.