blogging gobbledygook and such

Killing myself softly

It’s 3am and i’ve just got home from another bad day at work. I’ve been having days like these far too often for my liking. It’s not anybody now, it’s just me and how i always seem to screw up at work.

I don’t know how to be perfect at my job because i’m practically a walking mistake most of the time. I bump into table ends, i suck my stomach in to unsuccessfully give the illusion i have curves instead of lumps, i quietly and secretly fart in public. In short, i could never be anywhere near perfect.

It’s not like my bosses are giving me shit about my work, not me in particular at least. But it’s my guilt that’s killing me. I feel like i’m disappointing them. The more they don’t scold or punish me, the more my guilt does those things for me.

It’s 3am and i’m crying in my bed, wishing that i have more esteem than i do now that i won’t beat myself up like this because in the end i’m only killing myself softly this way.

(maybe the next time i read this post i’d think how ridiculously melodramatic i was. But right now, these fleeting feelings are so real.)

Sent from my Nokia 6760 slide

Comments on: "Killing myself softly" (8)

  1. Just wanted to let you know you’re not the only one who feels like that. I think you’re a bit like me. A perfectionist.

    • and the worst job someone like us could get is in an editorial position. every typo, less-than-elegant phrasing and whatnot ends up being (or feeling like it’s) your fault and you start thinking how shitty you are at your job. i cringe when i see mistakes in my posts here.

  2. Hope you are feeling better. Those horrible moments when one cries in bed are the worst.. but I think its good to write down what you feel. Once you read them later, you can see for yourself how to get things in place.

    On work front, I think you really need to stop worrying so much. If you’re erring and they are not correcting you, that is their fault as much as yours. So try your best, but do not think all that you do is wrong.


    • i feel better now, thanks. 🙂 i felt better after writing all that down. that’s not how it works at my office, unfortunately. they have bosses proofreading my work, yet if a mistake escapes them, the fault lays entirely on me. sigh.

      i’ll relax when i make less mistakes. or maybe that’s when the mistakes happen – when i start to relax! haha, okay, paranoid much right?

  3. thebeadden said:

    Don’t be so hard on yourself, Sulz. Perfection would be horrible life to live. (((hugs)))

    • thanks bead. gosh it’s been a long time since our last contact. i hope your life is on the up side. 🙂

  4. Sulz,
    Just chill and take a moment for yourself. Don’t over expect, just deliver with a smile 🙂 I am glad you have a blog to vent your frustrations. It’s a great help.

    • moment is over, thank goodness. the blogging is cathartic but i must try to write more positive things here. which i will be doing right after this comment. 🙂

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