i’m slowly losing the friends i took time to grow close to. some by my doing and some not. some are leaving the country for good. some are still around but i don’t feel the closeness to them anymore. some i’ve totally cut off all ties with.
i have this awful way of cutting loose when i think i’m about to lose someone because i think it would hurt me less. i know in past experiences that this theory doesn’t always hold true, but i still do it. maybe because i also learnt in the past that trying to hold one to someone who’s already ‘gone’ in that sense hurts a lot. maybe because of pride (there’s no maybe about this one, actually). maybe because i don’t know how to appreciate friendship. maybe because i hold my standards way too high.
i like the casual friendships i have at the office. when i worked at the bookshop, i made some good friends there but there was always a gap, be it age or academic/cultural background. at the office, i have friends my age, friends who love to read, friends who love to eat, and friends who are just plain friendly. i feel like i belong here and i couldn’t be happier about the relationships i have at work.
but of course i do want to feel close to someone, in both the romantic and platonic sense. i find myself gravitating to books, tvs, movies and dvds because i lack these relationships that i crave. and i live my fantasy through my favourite stories via these mediums.
i suppose i could do less of that and go out more, meet new people, form new friendships, lower my standards, swallow my pride.
but knowing me, i’ll find a way to screw up anything that shows a tiniest potential to be a beautiful friendship or a long-lasting romance.
i guess what i’m trying to tell myself is that i do not make a good friend. at all.