blogging gobbledygook and such

Try harder

I just finished this book called 13 reasons why by jay asher. In a nutshell, it’s about a girl who killed herself. Before that, she recorded herself on cassette tapes, giving 13 reasons why she killed herself and posted the tapes to certain people who drove her to suicide.

I didn’t really like the book. I didn’t think the 13 reasons were good enough for suicide. But what moved me was the way the suicide girl described how she wanted to be helped so much yet she pushed away the smallest show of it.

I do that. Push away help when it is offered, because i don’t trust that it’s sincere, or that it’s just temporary, or that it would actually help me. If you are my friend, and if i ever push you away, that’s the reason why.

I don’t think i’ll ever have the balls to take my own life. And probably whatever crisis of the moment i’ll go through in future will put me in a state of despair that feels very real.

that doesn’t mean i don’t want you to try. Try harder. Don’t give up on me. The harder you try to pull down the barrier, the harder i’ll try, too, to break down the wall from my side.

I hope when i should do this with a friend who’s worth my trying harder, i won’t let my friend down.

Comments on: "Try harder" (4)

  1. Hi Sulz,
    Trust is the foundation on which all relationships are built. It’s dependent upon keeping commitments and it’s hard to trust people again once they break comittments and betray us. Each of us has beliefs, ethics, morals and expectations about how we ought to treat others and be treated in return. If a friend doesn’t meet up with our standards, lets us down, betrays us – we feel burnt. After our emotions settle we can go into “fear mode” and make the “never again” decision that cancels trust.

    But if we are so over protective of our precious “self” that we don’t take the risk of trusting another then we don’t make friends. That’s means we miss all the opportunities that arise from being in a friendship.

    I have found that building trust is vastly different from trying to establish who is right or wrong when you have different points of view that clash. The five keys to trust-building that’s the foundation for life-long friendships are authenticity, willingness to take risks with those who will commit to finding win/win strategies that maintain and strengthen the relationship, communication, patience and time. It takes time to trust. And we aren’t going to open ourselves up unless the other person is very much like us in most ways to begin with.

    I am authentic and I state my needs and boundaries so there is no confusion. I don’t play games like expecting friends to read my mind by medropping hints instead of saying what I really mean. I try to be a good listener and to compromise whenever possible. I am an introvert and still have a fear of intimacy, but I’m honest about it.

    Overall I see making friendships as a good thing, no matter how they work out, because they are part of the learning process. Whatever I learn is valuable even if it’s painful life lesson.


  2. jdc-witherton said:

    Hello sulz,, I read your piece about suicide and I thought it so sad that anyone should be forced to take their own life. It is very hard to be a happy person – know this personally. Even when you have everything others think will make them happy, -there can still be a void inside your soul that screams in you head that you are nothing and that you don’t deserve what you have.

    I have been in therapy and on medication since I was 15 and am now 40. I have a lot more than most people, but there are days that I cant get out of bed. It’s a horrible thing to have that kind of illness but what I have learned is to just hang on.

    I hang on till my husband tells me he loves me or just the way he says my name makes me feel better. My children and their love raise me up from the darkness that I fall into.

    Thanks for the post and come see me sometime, I just started blogging so my site is not as nice as yours, maybe you can give me some suggestions? Take care love, and don’t ever think about ending the gift of life given you. That’s what I tell myself “That life is a gift and I have no right to throw it all away.


    • hi thanks for your comment. i don’t think about taking my own life though i do think about suicide in general. i’m glad you have family for support – that’s very important. hopefully, blogging with be cathartic for you the way it is for me sometimes. 🙂

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