thank you

the other day, i was thinking about how this place is so useful for me to rant and vent. but then, doesn’t it give a one-sided perspective of my life? it makes it seem as if my life has nothing good in it of late. there are good things in my life, one of them being the readers of this blog who take the time to leave me comments.

i don’t expect responses to my posts because i’ve not reciprocated in that sense. so when i see old friends commenting here, it’s a nice thing to have. so, thank you. 🙂 thank you for saying something about whatever i’ve said. thank you for caring enough to want to leave a comment. thank you for visiting my blog even though i don’t visit yours. thank you for touching my life in the smallest of ways but in the biggest of intentions.

i’ll write more soon, because there might be something going on that could change my life. it’s not a terribly big change if it happened, but it’s a change nonetheless. and you know how bad i am with changes. i may have gone through 4 jobs in 3 years but trust me, those were for many reasons but not because i embrace change. i hate change but like shit, it happens.

anyway, wish me luck. whether the change happens or not, i hope the ending of this story will be the best kind for me.

roll call

nessa’s comment prompted me to write this. (i’m not writing to just you though, nessa! 🙂 )

before, my blogroll acted like a list of friends. my blogroll used to say, “here are my list of friends. visit their blogs, please!”

now that i’m starting over, i’m not really sure what it says anymore. i’ve weeded out inactive blogs, even though some i still call friends and do keep in touch with. some are inactive and have not been in touch with them since my hiatus. some are active in their corners of the world but i don’t know if they remember me. on the list are mostly blog friends i am in touch with and are still actively blogging. there are a couple of links there of people that i used to be friends with but we haven’t kept in touch for quite a while but they’re active on the blogging scene. i don’t know why i don’t remove them since i’m not sure what the status of our friendship.

that’s a dilemma for me when it comes to my friends list on facebook. i want my facebook friends list to be made up of people i am in close contact with, because if i am keeping in touch with these people, then i am interested to know more about them. their activities on facebook to some extent helps me do so.

my friends list is made up of old friends, friends made in passing (such as the time i went to macau), friends made through blogging, networking contacts (customers i got to know from the bookshop), ex-schoolmates and college mates, and some random people i got to know while playing the apps on facebook.

the list i find questionable is the ex-schoolmates/college mates list. i stay in touch with very few of them; the ones that i don’t actually need facebook to know what’s going on in their lives. then there are those whose only thread of connection to me now is that we’re friends on facebook.

do i keep these group of people? i’ve been tempted many times to delete them. i like to believe there’s a reason why we don’t keep in touch – there’s nothing in common anymore. then i’m afraid if i might offend them by doing that. if we do not share the same circle of friends, i would not feel that way. and there’s also the point that i might run into them some day in some way, or need their help. (clearly, i’m not much into networking.)

there are people who i am certain i can call friends. but these are the ones i don’t know what to call them.

as for my blogroll, it is still in transition. you don’t have to be in my blogroll for me to call you friend, though. 🙂

i’m not the only one

i’m cleaning up my blogroll list and the blog surfer feature in my dashboard. seems like i’m not the only one who’s quit blogging. about half of my blog friends have not updated their blogs for some time. the other half are either still going on blogging as frequently as before or less frequently but regularly enough. a few like me have moved on to twitter instead.

there’s this phrase about how some friends come and go, some stay for a season and go for a reason, or how some will be in your life forever blablabla. it is true. one day, you might feel so close to somebody that you know almost every aspect of that person’s everyday routine. the next, you’re like strangers.

but on the other side of the coin, there are always new friends to be made. and sometimes some old ones will stay with you, even if you don’t keep in touch.

yes, yes, i’m supposed to share with you what’s currently going on in my life but i still don’t quite know where to start. today i’m just observing that the blogging world is quite ephemeral. then again, so is life!

(hello)

hi *whispers*

are you there?

if you’re not it’s okay.

i’ve left this place for so long i daren’t speak too loud because of the silence.

i just want to let you know that i’m back.

yes, i’ve decided to come back and resume blogging here.

this place is a real mess, isn’t it? i see strangers leaving comments that i don’t reply to. the old sulz would have replied each and every one, wouldn’t she?

this place doesn’t feel like it’s mine.

but i’m going to change that.

so anyway, hello. *still whispering*

Bye.

I’ve put this off long enough.

My computer has been fixed over a week ago but I couldn’t bring myself this write this.

I just didn’t want to admit I was wrong, in a space where I’m supposed to feel free to be me. Well, wrong isn’t a state I like to be in much.

I tried to go back to blogging for the wrong reasons, perhaps.

Yes, I have no outlet for personal expression except here. Yet, I don’t feel like expressing myself anymore.

Maybe because most of the audience is gone. Maybe I don’t crave attention with what few eyes are left checking this blog for signs of life.

Ironically, my stats remain the same the entire time I left for my blogging break, as if I never stopped. It is simply because of this post.

It’s not as if nothing is going on in my life. There was that incident where I was verbally abused by a customer. Before that, there was my trip to Malacca to visit my friend and her family. I’ve been using Twitter a bit more than before so if you’ve been checking the sidebar you’d see that yes, I am online and social, just elsewhere.

I still don’t know why I don’t feel like blogging anymore, but I no longer blame my work for my lack of interest. Yes, work does consume a lot of me, but as I’ve said before, I do enjoy my job and I wouldn’t think of leaving it anytime soon. It’s growing and I want to be part of that growth, I want to be the one involved in the change of the bookshop. I want to be credited as someone who helped in its success once the plans my bosses are making are fully accomplished.

I still feel like there’s something missing in my life. I feel that void by escaping to books and reruns of Gilmore Girls. When I read or watch GG, I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with my feelings and problems at that moment. After GG finishes (into fifth season now, there are seven seasons in total), I’ll be watching reruns of Ally McBeal.

Sometimes I wonder, what has happened to me? Why have I grown out of love for something that had brought me so much joy? Why did this part of me have to change? I’ve poured my heart and soul into this for 3 years, doesn’t it mean anything?

I’m still maintaining my other non-personal blog, in case you’re wondering.

I am quitting this blog indefinitely.

Back

When I woke up this morning, I realised that I’m supposed to be back from my self-imposed blogging break.

I do not feel any different from the break. My brain still feels as vacuous and uninspired as before. I still feel like I don’t have enough time to do the things I really want. I still like my job, but yet I feel a certain weariness.

I did not plan to blog today. I wanted the desire to come naturally and when it does, will I then pen my thoughts here.

I’m at work now, trying to write something. For some reason, it came to me: leaving the blog didn’t improve my life. Yes, I do have a little bit more time to do other things I enjoy doing, like going on Facebook and reading. But by doing so, I’m just isolating myself.

For the whole month I left the blog, I didn’t have an outlet for me to talk about things that are really on my mind. Trivial things, urgent stuff, emotional matters… they never left my mind.

And so, just like that, I’m back.

I missed you.