blogging gobbledygook and such

Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

what i want right now

1. more money

2. to fit uk10 clothes

3. to be able to actually talk to someone who actually cares about me and whom i actually care about

4. to be brave enough to face my fears

5. to feel good about myself again

but see, i don’t deserve to get what i want. it’s easy to whine about what’s lacking in my life, but if i’m not going to do anything to change that, then it sure as hell ain’t gonna happen.

what’s the point of this post? i’m not sure.

you’re free to lecture me, but don’t expect a response. because if scolding myself doesn’t work, what makes you think your words will have any impact?

Motivation – or rather, the lack of it.

I am right now lying in my bed and typing this blog post on my mobile phone. I could use the computer downstairs, which would typing quicker and easier, but i am not. Why? I am not sure. Even though i have a tab in my browser that is opened to this blog, i have no desire to log in. And if i do, i would probably read what is on blog surfer before logging out eventually.

Why do i not feel like blogging? That i have to resort to doing it from my mobile, simply because it seems less like so?

(by the way, the lack of updates recently was because i am expecting a piece of news first but the news has not arrived. Then i thought of the idea for this post.)

and it is not just blogging either. There are many things i am neglecting at the moment. It is not like i am swamped with work. Now i only work 8 hours a day, so i generally have more time than i did with my previous job.

I am neglecting those things, yet i keep coming back to the same activities, like reading, Facebooking and online window shopping. Reading is fine, that is the one indulgence i approve. Facebooking is like mental junk food – nice to have but not nutritious in large doses. I think i spent about 8 hours on average a day, since i can access it from work too. Gah, now that i have put that thought into words it does seem ridiculous, doesn’t it? And online shopping… Maybe 3 hours a day. Gak!

Sigh. What motivates me to do all these ‘junk food’ activities? I need to do more ‘oatmeal’ kinds. Like writing that damn story, or losing that paunch, or clearing my closet and books.

Sent from my Nokia 6760 slide

Major writer’s block!! :(

I’m having major difficulty churning out that damn article for that lifestyle magazine. I have no interest in the subject matter. I thought I could try writing a bit at the bookshop, but I feel too bad about doing unrelated work at work. I have no time at home because I am so stressed out from a long day at work fretting about this article that I need to play games on Facebook to destress. And the games take a horribly long time to load I end up taking more time to destress. And then it’s time for bed, which I must have because otherwise I’ll be even more cranky!

This article is really bugging me. My thoughts are on it all day long because the deadline is tomorrow and I am not even halfway through. I need time to do it but I’m on full shift at the bookshop today. 😥 That’s 11 hours long.

And now I don’t know what to write here. I tried writing about my job but I feel it’s so pessimistic and rubbish. Even this post sucks. GAH!

Really bad time to rediscover blogging. 😦

I feel like I’m being taken advantage.

I type this now from the office, feeling very unjustified. I’m probably not as unjustified as I feel, but I do have the tendency to overreact at the height of my emotions.

Today, the boss has given me two new assignments. Actually, the last few assignments have all been passed to me. From a workload perspective, it is not heavy as it is a slow period in the office right now. It is nothing I can’t manage.

However, this means that I have been doing the bulk of the work from the editorial side as the other colleague has only received a couple of new assignments, compared to my four or five new ones. This upsets me because the colleague is going on leave soon (some of you would know why) and I don’t understand why can’t the colleague get a fairer share of the assignments. The project may not be completed by the time the colleague is due for leave but I don’t see why should that factor be a problem in assigning projects because I can take over them, just as I will likely have to with her other currently assigned projects.

I feel it’s not fair because this colleague is of a senior position to me and yet I have been doing more work since the last couple of months. When it was an extremely busy period for me at work at one point, this colleague had no ongoing projects and just did nothing while I was stressing over the completion of my part in the projects. No offer to help me and the boss did not even think about that.

I felt I should speak up. I tried to casually ask the boss, but of course I failed miserably because I am not good at hiding my emotions and ended up sounded very agitated instead, which is what I’m feeling right now. He was obviously caught off-guard, and gave me a reply which I was not satisfied with. I can’t possibly say that, so I muttered, “Oh, okay. I just feel it’s unfair…” I’m pretty sure he heard it but he did not turn around to reply.

I won’t blame you if you think that was quite some cheek from me. I don’t mean it to come out like that, rude and ungrateful. I want to express my unjustified feelings but I don’t know how to do that diplomatically.

I feel this way because I, on my part, had gone out of my way to make things easier for the company with my resignation. I agreed to stay back one month longer than I should – one month of less pay than if I were to begin immediately at the bookshop – and also offered to do part-time until the colleague comes back from leave. Yes, I did that voluntarily on account of my conscience, because I don’t want to leave irresponsibly.

It’s not the workload that I’m upset about, it’s the fairness of it all. I’m being paid far less than my senior colleague, and yet I am given the bulk of the work on the account that the projects may not be completed in time with the colleague’s going away. I feel taken advantage, unappreciated and unacknowledged.

Don’t turn this around to say that my being assigned so many projects is an indication that I’m good at the job and that you believe in my capabilities. I don’t buy it because I’m not giving this job my all. (Not the way I am with the bookshop.) I’m doing a half-assed job of everything at work now and you know it (edit: actually I don’t, I just presume he thinks that way because I know I’m not putting my heart into my work). My previous write-ups have been heavily edited by you (despite trying my best with my writing still), so don’t tell me I’m good at the job when you rewrite practically everything I wrote.

My heart has never been in this job. I can’t wait to leave this fucking place.

*

I’m calmer now as I type this, even though I still feel unjustified. Maybe there are things my boss is dissatisfied with me that I don’t realise. Life doesn’t revolve around me, I sometimes forget… But I am entitled to feel what I feel, whether they are right or wrong (because they can be right or wrong depending on the perspective you focus on). And this is my way of expressing myself. I have a lot of anger issues (another post-worthy topic, some day) and I almost always feel relieved, if not better, after penning my frustrations down somewhere.

*

Just now the boss asked me to hand over one of the most recent and easiest project to the other colleague because he’s planned for me to do another project. I don’t know if it means he heard my gripe and decided to do something about it, but at least I’m not the one doing every damn thing on the editorial side now.

Sweating the Small Stuff

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Pissing in Peace

I’m feeling pissy about the things I’ve felt pissy and pissy blogged about them before. It is nothing new and so I feel a bit wary about pissing about them here again, because I know how annoying that can be when a person complains about the same things over and over again while seemingly having done nothing about the things the person feels pissy about. I feel afraid about pissing them here again because you might get so fed up reading about how pissed I am with my life that you get pissed with me for getting pissed with my generally un-pissy life, it’s just that I’m pissily hard to please. If that made any sense whatsoever to you. Pissy people hardly make sense, if you don’t already know by now. But let me try to piss about the things I’m pissed about in a different angle, so as to make it seem like I’m pissed about something entirely new and different. (more…)

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