Lately, I’ve been plagued by the thought that my life seems to be absolutely devoid of meaning. Plans I’ve made, changed, leaving me with the realisation that I have no plan b.
I think this is my quarter life crisis.
A lot of things I want seem so out of reach. If I can’t achieve any one of them, then what is my life for?
I’m not suicidal, but I’m right now at a point where I don’t have the will to stay alive if I were in a life or death situation. I don’t feel loved and I don’t love anyone. I don’t think I make much of a difference dead or alive.
Maybe there are people who care for me, but that’s not what motivates me. I want to be loved, I want to love someone so much that I’d do anything for the person and feel that it’s worth it.
I feel like a hamster running in a wheel. Doing the same things over and over. Hoping something will happen. Things do happen without you seeking it, but I’m impatient and these things don’t necessarily turn out the way you want it to. So making changes in an attempt to find meaning may backfire.
I want more. I wish I know what exactly to do to get there. I want it to come to me, because the last time I tried to make something happen, I pushed too far and lost it.
Until then, I’m no better than a zombie. Trudging through life, trying to numb the pain, loneliness and despair. Just going through the motions. Hamster running in the wheel.