Lately, I’ve been plagued by the thought that my life seems to be absolutely devoid of meaning. Plans I’ve made, changed, leaving me with the realisation that I have no plan b.
I think this is my quarter life crisis.
A lot of things I want seem so out of reach. If I can’t achieve any one of them, then what is my life for?
I’m not suicidal, but I’m right now at a point where I don’t have the will to stay alive if I were in a life or death situation. I don’t feel loved and I don’t love anyone. I don’t think I make much of a difference dead or alive.
Maybe there are people who care for me, but that’s not what motivates me. I want to be loved, I want to love someone so much that I’d do anything for the person and feel that it’s worth it.
I feel like a hamster running in a wheel. Doing the same things over and over. Hoping something will happen. Things do happen without you seeking it, but I’m impatient and these things don’t necessarily turn out the way you want it to. So making changes in an attempt to find meaning may backfire.
I want more. I wish I know what exactly to do to get there. I want it to come to me, because the last time I tried to make something happen, I pushed too far and lost it.
Until then, I’m no better than a zombie. Trudging through life, trying to numb the pain, loneliness and despair. Just going through the motions. Hamster running in the wheel.
Comments on: "The search for meaning" (4)
It can be so painful to feel hopeless and helpless and not know what you can do about it. You could have a look at Inner Bonding > http://innerbonding.com/ and also at Conscious Transitions > conscious-transitions.com. Both sites focus on ways that you can learn to practice to reconnect with yourself so that your life can be an experience and expression of your own meaningfulness, as a part of an unfolding universe. A great book is Elizabeth Gilbert’s ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ with wonderful accounts of her discovery of meaningfulness and love (really this is re-discovery, since babies find just being meaningful and are full of love). Another great book is Marci Shimoff’s ‘Happy For No Reason’. Inner Bonding has a free course setting out a 6-step process for learning to recognise that painful feelings are vital information on what you really want for yourself from life, with many free articles to support people learning to practice this process from moment to moment in their lives. You don’t have to trudge on numbed out, you can learn to be happy to be you (cf Kung Fu Panda).
Hey…. having something to look forward to helps a lot. It does not matter how small the aims are, but having these small lists, help in getting the bigger picture set in time. Give yourself time, and I am sure there will be a concrete change in your aims.
take it one day at a time.. life will seem surprisingly easy.. everyone is gonna die one day.. even you.. might as well be happy 🙂
The Spirit who created our universal reality loves you so much He died so that you could be with him in eternal bliss forever. It’s like losing weight:
“Before I had embarked on my pursuit to slenderness, I had never thought the physical and emotional rewards of losing weight would be so great. It was worth every drop of sweat, every declined piece of chocolate cake and every growl of hunger to achieve my goal. I can never go back to those fat days again.”
Once you know Jesus, you’ll never go back. God bless you.